We, the Other People

The 2010 Census statistics are in, and they are fascinating. I'll give you a quick clue: the statistics were published in Spanish.

Now, I don't think it will come as any great huge surprise to learn that American demographics are changing. Just look at 1-800 numbers. These days, when you try to call somebody to get some help with something, you first have to sift through about three dozen language options.

"To continue in Canadian, press one."
"To continue in Spanish, marque dos."
"To be seriously insulted by our staff, please enter your area code."
"For moderate-to-light insults, please enter your grandmother's Social Security Number."
"For no insults at all, please call back during abnormal business hours."
"For a copy of your instruction manual, press nine. Please choose between an utterly unreadable carbon copy, or one written by hand in an obscure North Korean dialect."
"To continue in Latin, press IV."
"To continue in French, please stop pressing the bell, please!"
"To continue in North Carolina, holler."
"To continue in Mandarin, call your member of Congress and tell 'em to keep spending."
"To speak to someone who speaks English, please call someone in India."

But we're still who we've always been, if you define "always" as "a couple dozen decades." We're still America, unless you're talking about our debt. Or our jobs. We're still Americans, unless your land is being confiscated under Eminent Domain. Or has been foreclosed. Or is situated near a nuclear reactor. Or a fault line. Or both.

At our core, or corazon, we're still the same melting olla.

So let's stay true to our principles. Let's stay prepared. Let's hold to our rich history, cause our history is pretty much the only thing left that's allowed to be rich. Let's cherish our history books.

And quickly, before the Fact Police finish rewriting those, too, let's take this quick 20-question US History Quiz.

Ready? Let's begin:

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1) What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?

a. The Mayday
b. The Wallflower
c. There were three: the el Nino, the Ford Pinto, and the Ave Maria.
d. Allied Moving Vans

2) Why did the Pilgrims come to America?

a. In England, they had to deal with religious incontinence.
b. They were searching for an earlier group: the lost colony of Motown.
c. So they could wear great big hats, monstrous buckles, knee socks and knickers, but avoid all the snide remarks.
d. They were looking for a trade route to Indiana.

3) Who helped the Pilgrims in America?

a. The Cleveland Indians
b. Dick Clark
c. Onomatopoeia, a native American who was pretty smart, except he kept calling corn "maize."
d. That Aflac duck

4) What is the title of our National Anthem?

a. The Star-Spangled Anthem
b. The Hokey-Pokey
c. Moon River
d. Christina Aguilera's Transient Ischemic Attack

5) Who was known as the "Father of our Country?"

a. George Washington Irving
b. Those rascally Kennedys
c. Dick Clark
d. Wilt Chamberlain

6) Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence?

a. George Washington
b. Steven Spielberg
c. Poor Richard Petty
d. George and Louise Jefferson

7) What holiday was celebrated for the first time by the American colonists?

a. Codependence Day
b. Indian Summer
c. The shopping day after Thanksgiving
d. The Daytona 500

8) What do we celebrate on Independence Day?

a. The Fourth of July
b. The invention of the firecracker
c. Cinco de Mayo
d. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Or barbecue. Same thing.

9) Where does "freedom of speech" come from?

a. Oprah
b. Robin Hood and the Magnum Charter
c. The larynx
d. Divorce

10) Which countries were our enemies during the War of 1812?

a. Eighteen hundred and eleven other countries
b. Ontario and the other Great Lakes
c. The Klingons
d. The Romulans

11) Which countries were our enemies during World War II?

a. Foreign countries
b. Volkswagen, Toyota and Ferrari
c. The Axle of Evil
d. Both the Klingons and the Romulans

12) Who was Susan B. Anthony?

a. She was a fighter for a woman's right to vote, but I forget which woman.
b. She was the wife of that Roman guy, Marc Anthony.
c. She fought for women's suffering jets.
d. She invented the quarter.

13) What is the name of the President's official home?

a. General Electric
b. The Caucasian-American House
c. I think it was Indonesia. Or Kenya.
d. Expedia

14) What is the proper title of the head of a city government?

a. Mr. Head
b. Clint Eastwood
c. Jean Valjean
d. My city where I live? My cousin, Tony.

15) What is the capital of the US?

a. George Washington Irving
b. An undisclosed, high-security bank in Peking
c. Well, idiot. There's a capital "U" and then there's a capital "S." Like, duh.
d. Right now, it's probably about eight bucks.

16) Where does Congress meet?

a. In Congress. (Sounds like an answer they'd give, huh?)
b. In a lobby, or a hearing, or an indictment, or prison, or witness protection programs, or a caucus.
c. In locations that are critical to American security, like Aruba.
d. Sometimes they meet people in public bathrooms. Makes you wonder what "caucus" means, eh?

17) What is the historical significance of "Remember the Alamo?"

a. The birthplace of Willie Nelson
b. It was the first car rental company discovered by Lewis and Clark.
c. It's where Davy Crockett used David Bowie's knife and killed him a barmaid when he was only three. But he was still charged as an adult.
d. It was the last time any American officials actually tried to enforce border security.

18) Who is the current President of the United States?

a. Oh. Marvin...um...um. Aw, what's his name? Charlie Sheen's dad.
b. Some Irish guy. Brock O'Something.
c. That guy on, you know, on "24." Whaddayacallit. Used to make Allstate commercials.
d. General Electric

19) Who is the current Vice President of the United States?

a. Bono
b. Rom D. Manuel
c. George Carlin, I think. That white-haired guy who swears all the time.
d. Vice? Bill Clinton, I guess.

20) What is the official language of the United States?

a. JavaScript
b. German Chocolate
c. Emoticons
d. Greed

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BONUS QUESTION

21) Name one benefit derived from US membership in the United Nations.

a. You're kidding, right?
b. Right?

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Well, there it is, then. Hope you enjoyed our little quiz!

Next week, we'll be bringing you a little quiz about the US Constitution and the structure of American government. So you've got a whole week to go hide.

Me, I'm gonna go watch a Marvin Sheen movie and have some microwaved pop-maize.