We Who Are Schizophrenic: Chapter Twelve

In the stages of temptation, the first stage is that of provocation. It is an imageless thought we can perceive the more we quite ourselves internally. If we heed the provocation, it becomes an image in our minds. Although we should not expect ourselves in the beginning of our spiritual life to be able to stop thoughts at a provocation, we are technically still guilty of allowing the image into our minds.

We may have the image, but dislike it, reject, and get rid of it, and we do not have the same level of guilt as if we liked the image and began to think about what the image suggested. We can stop the temptation at this point by coming to our senses, but if we do not, we will begin to plan our way to carry out the thought, and then we will do it in very deed. The more we do the suggested deed, the more a passion builds in us, until we rush to commit the sin within an instant of having the provocation. It is because we have created a passion state for a sin that we cannot notice the provocations.[i]

The more we who are schizophrenic engage in the mental warfare we are thrust into, the more we will become aware of this. We must not expect other people to understand this wisdom. It is the teaching of the Orthodox Church which anyone can understand, but without having undertaken the invisible war or even cared to find out about, this wisdom will seem like a heavy handed law based on idle talk.

For the mentally ill, in addition to blasphemous thoughts, we also have intrusive thoughts. These are a sibling to the blasphemous thoughts, in that they come without our asking and we cannot make them go away. There is no blasphemy involved, but every other kind of thought equally as disturbing as the blasphemy is present.

These thoughts exist halfway between provocation and image. We cannot stop them from coming which means this invisible enemy has been granted some sort of victory over us because of our sins. Yet we do not like the thoughts, and because they annoy us or torment us, driving us insane, we are not guilty of them or what they suggest. It usually has nothing to do with guilt, and many of us suffer from intrusive thoughts based on complete fabrications, these thoughts accusing us of something we did not do nor would ever do.

Since we do not like the thoughts, and are not guilty of what they suggest, we begin separating from them. We realize these thoughts do not come from us, that they are not ours and thus quite often the mistake is made to believe someone is putting them in our heads, whether demons or big brother from satellites in outer space. The paranoia grows from there. It is this separation that makes many of us reach a point where we drool on ourselves, for we use every last bit of strength to fight against the evil attacking us. We should rejoice that we have these thoughts, for it means we can overcome them. God will have mercy on those who are given over to them and cannot any more use their minds from not accepting them.

And this is a basic principle of spiritual purification we will have then discovered, that we are not our thoughts. Not just these intrusive bad ones, but even good ones. We have become separated from our thoughts and for now it drives us nuts, for our "I" rejects them and is pained at them. From this pain we know we are not our thoughts.[ii] This can be considered a sure chance to become pure and normal.

If we could, our spirit would never leave our unceasing prayer, and these thoughts would never bother us. We do not so much as pray a single prayer that could help us, so we are far from this natural state for mankind.

Unceasing prayer of the Jesus Prayer is our cure for these types of thoughts. We pray with focus and attention while mastering our courage. We seek to not respond to these thoughts even with righteous anger, but simply fix our inner gaze on Christ through our spirit in prayer.

The long term fix is nothing more than laboring to uproot self love. The term here "self love" means a love and zeal for our own thoughts and will, and the enjoyment of the sensual pleasures we seek because of them. Because of this self-love we have lost the natural humility of our nature and instead have become practiced in obeying and heeding every thought that came to us from our passions.

This means, if we continue to practice the Jesus Prayer, all the while learning what wise silence means - not the absence of any speech but simply not speaking out of self love or the praise of men - we will begin to draw our minds towards the remembrance of God and towards Christ through the prayer. These thoughts will soon begin to dissipate from our lives. As they pop up again once in a while, a quick humbling of ourselves in our thoughts will drive them away.

Part of the problem we face is remembering to humble ourselves when we find them returning for another attempt to conquer us. The main problem we face is remembering to separate from our thoughts when we as the mentally ill face the onslaught of abnormal thinking. These falls for us can be a lesson and a chance to solidify our mental sobriety once we come to our senses. If we fall, we should be thankful.

We must, as much as we can respond to the grace, pray with our spirit when we pray the Jesus Prayer. The fact that we repeat the prayer without our spirit is not proof of our neophyte state, but proof of our hardness of heart. We must remember to pray when we pray. It is a state of grace, but grace is not given to us if we do not work to receive it, for God does not over ride our free will.It is possible the intrusive thoughts come to us similar to the reason for many blasphemous thoughts - the rage of the demons at the grace are acquiring. Let the person this confident in their spiritual state take a step back and see if they have true knowledge.

[i] St. John Damascene, On Virtues and Vices

[ii] HIeromonk Damascene, Christ the Eternal Tao