Weak in the News

Last week, every time I watched the news, weird things were happening. Odd, dim, dumb, disjointed events. Bizarre behavior. Confusing commentary. A feast of folly.

Witness:

Monday

In an effort to create jobs, Congress allocated $50,000 to three puppet theaters. The White House applauded the news, claiming that it saved or created seven socks.

In Norway, President Obama accepted the Nobel "Peace Eventually" Prize. The White House applauded the news, claiming that it saved or created 2 Nobel awards committee jobs. Obama then read a speech, in which he explained European history to the Europeans. Then he flew off to accept the Nepalese "Yak of the Year" award.

The EPA classified Carbon Dioxide as a pollutant. Joe Biden advised all Americans to "do the patriotic thing" and stop exhaling. All the world's plants and trees collectively filed a grass-action lawsuit. Their spokes-fern cited "photosynthesis bias."

An unnamed scientist released a film showing an octopus sitting in a coconut shell, then dragging the shell somewhere else, then sitting in it again. Excited scientists called this the first evidence of a non-mammal using tools, if you don't count film-maker Michael Moore.

President Obama absolutely insisted that Congress pass the Health Care Bill by Christmas.

Tuesday

Faced with an obscene $12 trillion debt, Congress organized a hostile takeover of board-game giant, Parker Brothers, after discovering that the game company had a big pile of available Monopoly money. Congress then invoked a seldom-used parliamentary procedure, the "Cosmically Stupid" rule, allowing them to borrow even more money.

In an interview with Oprah, President Obama gave himself a B+ grade, apparently oblivious to the fact that he had a public approval rating of negative 8% (negative 16% if you count both teleprompters). Pundits presume he gave himself a B simply because his name starts with a B. President Obama responded by having his name changed to "Arack."

An unnamed scientist released a film showing Al Gore sitting in a coconut shell, then dragging the coconut shell to a landfill. Al Gore called the scientist a soulless liar, but he misspelled it. The octopus filed a civil suit against Al Gore, citing a seldom-used parliamentary procedure.

Fed Chairman Ben "Trust Me" Bernanke and Tiger "Call Me" Woods were both featured on magazine covers, prompting rumors that one or both of them had fathered Brad Pitt's love child. The octopus invited Brad to a luau.

President Obama absolutely insisted that Congress discuss the Health Care Bill by Christmas.

Wednesday

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) mistakenly posted their secret "airport screening" tactics on the Internet, and al Qaeda responded by inserting an armed virgin into every bag of complimentary peanuts. Not to be outdone, Amtrak issued a clerical error, mandating that all passengers carrying guns on board be locked in a box. Not the guns: the passengers.

In an effort to create jobs, Congress allocated $95,000 to a university to catalog Icelandic pollen. Pollen stocks soared, or would have, if there were any.

President Obama closed Gitmo, prompting the mainstream media to crow that he had fulfilled yet another campaign promise. Fifteen minutes later, Obama reopened Gitmo. Oddly, the mainstream media missed the story.

An Illinois politician proudly announced that the Gitmo detainees would be transferred to an empty prison in Illinois. The White House applauded the news, claiming that it will save or create many new prisoners, not to mention dozens of Arabic license plates. About 2 hours later, all the relocated Gitmo detainees escaped and took the politician hostage. The White House applauded the news, claiming that it saved or created many new law enforcement jobs, not to mention a job opening for an Illinois politician. Bidding began immediately.

President Obama absolutely insisted that Congress read the Health Care Bill by Christmas.

Thursday

800,000 Swine Flu vaccines were recalled after testing uncovered that they were utterly, totally useless. Despite similar test results, nobody in Congress is recalled. Frustrated parents were given a free lead-laced Chinese toy.

An environmental group in the Pacific Northwest pressed to outlaw tying yellow ribbons to some trees, claiming it to be unfair to other trees. The trees could not be reached for comment, since they were busy picketing Al Gore's house.

Harry Reid found several missing billions in Medicare money, and was then spotted walking down a Washington street, randomly shoving quarters into parking meters.

President Obama absolutely insisted that Congress learn how to spell either "health" or "care" by Christmas.

Friday

Al Gore threatened that the earth will collapse into a ball of fire by next weekend, quoting a scientist who told him that all the ice in the Arctic Circle would melt, next Tuesday at noon. The scientist called Al a soulless liar, prompting Al to haughtily respond that he did, too, have a soul, but he misspelled it "sole," prompting the octopus to construct a coconut-based reconnaissance drone to fly over Al's house, looking for fish.

In a freak winter storm of historic proportions, Washington received over 14 inches of global warming.

President Obama gave up on passing Health Care, but he absolutely insisted that somebody in Congress pass a kidney stone by Christmas.

Saturday

And then, at the end of this staggeringly silly week, something even more odd happened. Like an episode of 'Seinfeld,' everything suddenly fell into place. Suddenly, it all made sense.

Witness:

Gitmo detainees again escaped from the Illinois prison, captured Wrigley Field in 2 innings, renamed a famous Chicago landmark the "Sears Minaret," and were hired as Amtrak security guards by the TSA.

Sick of all the anti-plant slant, disgruntled trees stormed an Amtrak sleeper car, quickly routing a cadre of Gitmo detainees wearing "Cubbies Rule" caps. The trees armed themselves, destroyed a yellow ribbon factory in Chicago, and leveled Al Gore's house.

Congress chopped down a bunch of right-leaning trees and printed more Monopoly money. Wind-borne pollen from the felled timber created a pollen pandemic. China sold us an all-new pollen vaccine, and six dozen more Zhu Zhu pets. Congress issued a clerical error, mandating that all small children receive a Zhu Zhu pet intravenously.

All the global warming in Washington melted, precipitating a rapid rise in ocean levels. The octopus built an outboard motor, constructed of coconut fibers and detritus from Al Gore's house, and motored into Georgetown. The octopus crashed a White House dinner, where it was served by a sock puppet who kept trying to show it a screenplay.

After dinner, the octopus was introduced to Tiger Woods in a DC bar. After a few Mai Tai rounds, the octopus fell head-over-tentacles for Tiger, and they conceived a son.

And a young unknown named Aroctopus Obama claimed to have cured pollen cancer, and announced his run for the 2012 Presidential race.