Wealthy Couple Trying to Become Vampires Duped in Madoff Scheme

When you are rich and/or crazy, there are only so many things you can do to occupy your time. You can strap rockets to your backside and attempt to fly like a superhero *, buy an ape to terrorize your community and rip off your neighbor's face **, or TRY TO BECOME VAMPIRES.

Before I begin I have to emphasize that this true story was published in the Wall Street Journal. NO, I AM NOT F---ING KIDDING YOU.

A filthy rich artist named Arakawa (goes by only one name like Prince, Madonna) and his soul mate Madeline "Cold" Gin are devoted to a movement called "Transhumanism." This is the attempt to live FOREVER.The basis of this idea is that humans "degenerate and die in part because they live in spaces that are too comfortable."
However, now that Madoff stole this lovely couple's money, they will not be able to afford their experiments of lunacy, live only another 30-40 years, and eventually DIE.

How exactly does one become immortal like Dracula or Dick Clark? You hire Charles Manson as your general contractor, build nine "reversible destiny" lofts at a cost of $6 million dollars each, and rent them to insane people in your cult. These lofts are intended to cause disorientation, claustrophobia, and confusion so that "you become like a baby." Here are some of the features of the the home which Arakawa, 72 years old, and Ms. Gin, 67, have spent their first 100 years on Earth:

* Hard, uneven floor, designed to throw occupant off balance
* "Star Trek" like sliding front door
* Rooms are shaped like cylinders or spheres
* Rooms placed far apart, have to access through tunnels
* No doors with exception of front door
* Floor to ceiling ladders and poles
* No closets
* No beds
* Ceilings vary in height per room
* No insulation, thermostat can only go as high as 55 degrees
* Walls are painted hundreds of different bright colors
* Windows only rise 2 feet off the ground

Let me get this straight. In order to have eternal life I need to freeze, fall down constantly, hit my head on the ceiling, lay on my cave-like floor to look out the window, get upstairs by climbing a ladder, crawl on my belly to get to the kitchen, watch my guests take dumps since my bathroom has no doors, and then fall asleep on a pile of rocks? And this is how I will exist for the next million years? For good measure, why not add the requirement of getting to the bathroom by running down the hall while poisonous darts shoot from the walls and a gargantuan boulder chases you? You could live the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark every time you need to take a piss!

No thanks. I'll take death please. in fact, since I've previously fallen down several times before and, as a result, may already be a vampire --- stab me through the heart with a wooden stake. Madoff, thank you for stealing these nutball's money so they can soon die.

Don't believe me? Check out a video of Arakawa's crazy house at www.WSJ.com/video and the original Wall Street Journal article at http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123785033607519075.html

* Rocketman Story: http://www.rufkm.net/2009/03/12/jet-packs-provide-thrill-possible-burnt-asshole/
** Killer Monkey Story: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1489484/furious_george_attacks_owner_pet_monkey.html?cat=60