Wedding Jitters? Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

Wedding jitters are a part of practically every bride to be and groom to be's experience. It is natural to feel some anxiety and nervousness before your big day when you officially take the plunge into married life. One of the major issues has to do with the wedding planning. Planning a wedding event is extremely stressful. There are so many expectations to live up to-your own, your parents and family's expectations of how your wedding day will go and those from your childhood, especially for a bride. Many bride to Be's have been planning their wedding since they were small, starting from the gown they will wear to which best friend will be in their wedding party and what their flowers will look like.

While most brides no longer want the red velvet gown with white fur muffler such as was my childhood wedding dream, the expectation and hope that your wedding day will turn out perfect is still there and behind every single decision you make. This is the main cause of stress and wedding jitters.

In addition to feeling anxious, stressed out, couples can begin bickering and even having full blown fights, often starting about trivial things or details about the wedding. The bride may want to have the groom's full attention when selecting the flavor of their wedding cake or the color of the ribbon that will tied onto the favors, but the groom may just not be all that interested. All of a sudden she starts to feel as if she is in this herself, begins to panic, starts feeling as if her fiancé does not love her enough and then worries about their life together ensue. Nightmares about the wedding are quite common ranging from dreams about the dress not fitting to getting left at the aisle. The couple might start questioning their decisions, thoughts, and even feelings about one another.

Other common wedding jitters include wondering if getting married is the right decision, concern that the relationship may change after marriage (this is a big one with guys especially who hear horror stories from their buddies about their wives becoming nasty right after the ring went on her finger), and questions about possible lifestyle restrictions. Suddenly couples may secretly begin to criticize their partner, focusing on flaws or imperfections they previously did not mind, such as a big nose or a laugh that they suddenly find irritating. Women may fear their husband to be will suddenly stop treating them well, make demands on them regarding housework or putting restrictions on them as to when and who they can go out with on a Friday night. Couples may both secretly wonder just how much their lives will change, especially if they are not living together and feel anxiety about these impending changes. Couples who do currently live together will hear that all will change after marriage and can secretly be wondering what exactly is going to change once a ring is put on our fingers?

Individuals getting married often worry if their partner will leave them at the alter and may find themselves having nightmares that their fiancé will suddenly stop loving them as they have realized they are not worthy or good enough. This is a natural fear but one that is rooted in securities within the individual self. Taking an honest assessment of the situation and asking questions about the relationship as well as perhaps even seeking counseling is a good idea if wedding jitters continue to persist and the person feels they are not worthy of a relationship or of marriage.

Wedding jitters are natural, normal and to be expected of such a monumental event as a wedding that has so much hope, so many expectations and involvement from so many different people riding on it. When one considers the big commitment of marriage and begins to question whether they should go through with their big day, this could be a very normal and healthy part of the wedding process. It is after all, a major commitment.

There is however a line between normal wedding jitters and deep rooted problems in the relationship that needs to be drawn. How do you know if you have crossed the line? The best advice that can be given is first to not rush into marriage. Newly engaged couples so often feel the pressure of needing to get married right away. They constantly are bombarded with questions about when the big day is going to be and if they have not yet set a day, well why not??? After getting engaged, take some time with your partner to just enjoy your new commitment to one another before delving into the actual wedding plans. Consider seeking couples counseling early on to ensure your fears and questions about the relationship are answered. The next best advice is to be open and honest with one another about your fears and concerns. Couples who can discuss their thoughts are more likely to not only get through the wedding day without feeling as if they are mortal enemies but will also be able to become better friends and have a more solid foundation on which to begin their marriage.

If you are truly concerned that your wedding jitters are more than just that, here is a list of important questions that every individual and couple should ask themselves before the day of their big event:

Are we traveling in the same direction? Are we both looking outward together?

Are our values, worldviews and morals compatible?

Do I believe this is a good person I am marrying?

Do we have the same goals in life?

Can I accept this person's good points as well as their flaws without feeling like I need to change them?

Do I respect this person and admire them?

Do I feel emotionally connected to this person?

Am I physically attracted to this person?

Do we both want the same things (careers, kids, pets)?

Does this person respect me, treat me well and do I feel safe with this person physically and emotionally?

When we disagree how do we handle arguments?

Do we have the same religious beliefs and if we both want children, do we agree on how we are going to raise them with religious values?

How do we get along with one another's families? Does my partner stick up for me when needed or does my partner go along with people who put me down or force me to constantly compromise myself or my values?

How are we going to handle money?

Do we compromise and turn toward each other or away when we need help?

Do we have shared meaning together? Do things together that are important to both of us?

Do I feel as if I know this person throughout and that they know me?

Do I feel as if I need to change aspects about this person and that I will not be happy unless he or she is able to change these things?

Am I ready to commit to loving and being intimate with one person for the rest of my life?

Am I ready to share my life with someone and compromise on things? Do I recognize that it will not be "just me" anymore and is that ok with me?

If you have gone through this list in an honest way and find you are not happy or satisfied with the answers you have found then it is time to consider the fact that your concerns may not be mere wedding jitters after all. There may be some deep issues with the relationship or you just may not be ready to make a commitment such as marriage, or perhaps not to this particular person. Remember that it is better to find these things out now than after you are married when your ties to one another are legal and more binding and painful to get out of. If you have gone through this list however and find you are confident in your relationship, then you can rest assured that you are experiencing wedding jitters. What this means then is that you need to talk to your partner more and that you probably need to focus more on your relationship and the marriage itself and less on the pressures of a wedding. You may also perhaps realize that you need some space and time to just relax and enjoy the fact that you have found the love of your life, rather than be consumed by what kind of flower you should get for the flower girls or if you should put Uncle Bob and Grandpa who have not spoken in five years at the same table.

I know numerous people who did not ask themselves these questions and even though there may have been concerned about the relationship going into the marriage, still got married and then regretted it. Listen to the little voice that is inside of you. If that voice is giving you any reason to doubt getting married, take the time you need to hear it out and figure out what you need to. You may in many cases discover it is just a case of the wedding jitters, or you may realize you truly do not want to get married or at least to this person. Most of all, keep an open line of communication with your partner and discuss your thoughts as freely as possible. If you find you cannot do this, seek a counselor who can perhaps help you share your thoughts with both yourself and your partner, or a friend with whom you can trust and who knows both you and your partner, and with whom you can be honest about your fears and concerns and with whom will be honest with you in what he or she thinks about them and your partner. Above all do not allow yourself to be pressured when you experience wedding jitters and if at all possible, give yourself several months from the date of your engagement to your wedding day so you have the time and space you need to figure out if you are experiencing a case of the wedding jitters or if this is a relationship you should not be taking the next step in.