Wedding Traditions That Are Antiquated and Silly

Last weekend I begrudgingly attended a friends wedding - trepidatious at the impending ceremony with the ritualistic run-down and gooey priestly speeches about the Imaginary Creator. It's not that I'm not happy for people who celebrate their eternal vows - in fact I think it's quite sweet - it's just that I can't help but feel awkward and uncomfortable watching something so rehearsed. So phony, as if I could replace the bride and groom and it wouldn't matter at all - because they're celebrating their "special moment" just like everyone else. The same speeches, the same hand-me-down walk through the aisle, the same stupid bouquet-throwing show. Doesn't this repetition kind of take the "special" out of it?

So what exactly is wrong with weddings and these kinds of traditions? Well, I'll just point out a few sticky points:

1) The father gives away his daughter. Who gives away the son?

Oh, right. The father is supposed to give away his possession and pass it on to the next owner. This is how this tradition started - when women were chattel and the groom-to-be actually bought his wife. The son isn't owned because he's already a man. 'Mama, why don't you just sit down and cry yer brains out? I got me a new woman to cook me dinner.'

I gotta say, this was the most uncomfortable moment of the entire ceremony. They walk down the aisle - just like they've practiced, just like millions of silly rituals and made for TV movies have shown us how to - father holding on to his daughter. It felt like they were walking to a gas chamber or something, the strange way the stiff father walked with his dolled up little girl like he'd never see her again. Meanwhile the groom stands at the altar, waiting for his prize to arrive.

The worst part is the guy who has to give away his daughter had to pay for the whole damn ceremony. Talk about gender inequity.

Why continue to fashion a ceremony that celebrates centuries of the subordination of women and fiscal liability on men? Yeah, yeah, most people don't see it this way. And you know why? They never stop to think about it; they just do what they've been told.

2) What does god have to do with weddings? Come to think of it, what does god have to do with anything?

The moment the priest mentioned Corinthians I literally had to stop the bile from leaking out of my mouth. He talked about how special god thinks this moment is, and how proud the "father" is of his blessed children. Well, which god is he talking about? Because I certainly didn't hear any blessings - no celestial light appeared when priest-man started his spiel - and I don't think Allah is too happy with Americans right now.

So why the god bit? And if god is such an honored guest with great talents and limitless power, why the hell didn't he foot the bill?

3) The bling-bling ring and the one-day dress

Whoever said diamonds are a girl's best friend must have been brainwashed by DeBeers. The history of genocide and torture that accompanies one of the world's most abundant rocks makes diamonds unattractive to any discerning creature. I mean, hasn't anyone seen Blood Diamond? It's really not that far off.

But still, the icky oohs and ahs saturate the air from dizzy girls as soon as the bling comes out. And what does the man get on his finger? A band. That's it. No annoying rock to disrupt washing dishes or changing the oil. No liability for losing a third of his salary. No showy display of how much his wife paid for his enduring commitment.

And the dress? I'm all for dressing up for an occasion because it's nice to feel like a celebrity once in a while. But to spend a month's worth of pay on some fabric that gets used for a few hours? White fabric that never rids of post-commitment red wine stains? Silly, plain silly.

So, maybe I'm a cynic. Or maybe I just can't stand following the status quo when couples have the opportunity to create something truly unique for their special day. I can't be bothered to look up the tradition when my ideas are so much more interesting. And I certainly don't like repeating rituals that honor the bygone values of the past.

You see, I like to think that men and women have equal value and ability in today's society (well, except for throwing distance and breastfeeding - but I do hope you get the point). And I like to reflect that idea by creating my own celebration, a ceremony that is customized to the moment, not based on a blueprint from the turn of the twentieth century. If we stuck to all of our traditions, we'd still believe in slavery (because they weren't actually people, they were traditionally housekeepers and wheat pickers), the flatness of the earth, and using leeches for healing diseases.

Celebrating a special moment should be just that. And if my buddies had gone that route, I'd feel like there was really something special to celebrate, instead of having to force a smile when the stage show waited for its self-congratulatory applause. Here's to breaking tradition.