Week of Fortune: Solita the Owl

This week, we found a massive, one-eyed owl hovering around the 7 Eleven at 1101 West Main, just sipping a huge slurpee---cherry flavor, perhaps. Now an owl doesn't get that big knowing nothing. You have to be wise to survive in the wild...or even the mean streets of Richmond. It turns out that this owl wasn't just any owl, though. It was a fortune telling owl. Well, how lucky for us! Convenience stores really are convenient.

Solita the Owl gave us a week's worth of fortune if we bought her another slurpee. Guess what? We did. Find your sign and find your fortune:

Scorpio -- October 23 to November 21

You're bound to gag on a stale candy corn this week, even if you avoid 5-year olds at all costs (which you should do, anyway. They always take too long at slurpee dispenser and they have this thing about squealing at chubby animals.)

Sagittarius -- November 22 to December 21

You will see a large nest this week...and you will leave it alone, even if it belongs to hornets. If it belongs to a bird, don't come within five feet of it unless you have a slurpee. Unless of course, you want to be pecked to death. We feathered creatures did inspire a certain Hitchcock film, after all.

Capricorn -- December 22 to January 19

Donate $5 to your local park or nature center. Remember, they double as homeless shelters, too, so it's like donating to two charities at once! Two birds, one stone...

Aquarius -- January 20 to February 18

If you bought one of those nasty feather headbands for Fall 2008 thinking you were all stylish, return it to the store now. How would you like it if somebody came and started plucking things out of your body? I mean, besides blackheads, which we owls don't get. And if we do, I wouldn't know because I've never seen my skin.

Pisces -- February 19 to March 20

You will have bad luck all week. That's what you get for running over Mama Duck and her ducklings as they cross the road. Interpret that literally or metaphorically, depending on how fast you drive.

Aries -- March 21 to April 19

You broke an egg. So what? Lay another one!

Taurus -- April 20 to May 20

No, I absolutely refuse to teach you how to fly, you stubborn bull, you. It's going to cost you more than one slurpee for that secret. Although maybe if I tell you to flap your arms REALLY, REALLY hard, that answer will satisfy you. Or not. Regardless, stop sulking. It never brings good fortune.

Gemini -- May 21 to June 21

You meet a mysterious stranger in the night. What do you mean you already met me? Mutant owls aren't strange!

Cancer -- June 22 to July 22

Drink as many slurpees as you can this week. I'm not sure what other advice to give you, considering you have cancer.

Leo -- July 23 to August 22

Look at the stars tonight. Find your fortune in the sky. If you need help deciphering the message, consult a wise owl like yours truly. Wise owls always depend at least two blueberry slurpees for such tasks but since tonight's so cold, probably three. Or four.

Virgo -- August 23 to September 22

Never eat rats.

Libra -- September 23 to October 22

Cut your nails. Talons are for birds of prey, thank you very much. Besides, you want to snag a job after that recent lay-off, right? Grooming yourself is always a good idea.