Weight Gain in Relationships and the Art of Supporting a Dieting Wife or Girlfriend

I looked over at my friend Bob, who had just made this observation. I wasn't sure whether to ignore him, or check his forehead to see if maybe a temperature was making him delusional.

"Jan" is Bob's wife. They're still in the newlywed phase of their marriage. For someone who has "plumped up" recently, she still looks pretty good in a pair of jeans. I decided Bob needed to get his eyes checked, pointed out that I didn't remember him having that beer gut back when he and Jan started dating, and changed the topic to football.

But I found myself thinking about that brief exchange later. There's some truth to the fact that many couples gain a bit of weight once they settle into the routine of a "twosome." Is weight gain a natural side effect of love? Does regular sex and someone to cuddle at night have the same impact on our bodies as living on Big Macs?

If you believe the women's beauty advice columns in some magazines or the banter of men in bars, you're more inclined to think that women just go out of their way to stay slim when they're single. We're conditioned to believe that men want the supermodel body, so we starve and Stairmaster our way into creating one while we're on the prowl for Mr. Right. When he comes along, and we've got him snared, we celebrate by shoveling in mass quantities of chocolate and cream cheese.

After all, he's ours now.

Somehow, I don't think that's really the way it happens.

So, Why The Weight Gain?

Contrary to male belief, your girlfriend or wife didn't have some grand master plan to pack on the pounds after she had you hooked. We like to look good in our favorite little black dress, whether we're on your arm or not.

But eating with you makes us fat.

I'm only speaking from the personal experience of myself and many of my girlfriends here, and I'm not blaming men for those few extra pounds. But we've all heard of "the freshmen fifteen," the weight gain experts say college students can expect when they leave Mom's healthy cooking behind and start living on greasy dorm food and pizza delivery. I call the weight gain many women experience when they settle into a new love the "relationship ten," and here's how I think it happens:

She's a single girl, and she's been that way for a while. Since she isn't part of a couple and doesn't live with her parents any more, she takes most of her meals alone. After a hard day at work, she can come home and slave over the stove to cook herself a full-course meal, eat it in front of her TV, and then spend the rest of her night cleaning up after herself. Or she can grab a handful of peanut butter crackers and a yogurt, or maybe a Lean Cuisine or a bowl of cereal, and call it a night.

Most single women aren't starving themselves to make heads turn in a bar. They're not starving themselves at all. They're just taking the easy way out when it comes to meals.

When she does go out to eat, it tends to be with her girlfriends. Chowing down on that burger and fries while her friend who has to make sure she can squeeze into that tiny number at next week's party is nibbling at a salad is sure to make her feel like a pig. So she orders the salad too.

Then along comes love. Suddenly, she's not just sharing dinner with her cat anymore. Evening meals and weekend brunches are something she enjoys with you. She's much more likely to prepare a full-course meal, partake of the meal you've prepared, or order takeout when there are two of you to feed. Just because she was fine with a cup of soup for dinner before doesn't mean she expects you to be. If one of you is making spaghetti and garlic bread anyway, chances are she's not going just have a bowl of cereal herself.

When the two of you dine out, the portions she ordered that looked huge next to what her dieting girlfriend was having don't seem so outrageous next to your meal, so she doesn't even realize she's eating much more than before. The pounds sneak up on her, and the next thing she knows those killer jeans are just a little too tight.

That's how relationship weight gain happens. It has nothing to do with snaring a man and then letting ourselves go. It's just that our habits change imperceptibly, without us even realizing it.

For the sake of argument, let's say you're not the guy who complains in the bar because the hottie you fell in love with put on a few pounds. You love her anyway. In fact, you think she looks great. She was almost too thin before. But the weight gain bothers her, and she wants to do something about it.

So, how do you help her along the way? What do you do to let her know she still looks great, but encourage and support her in her efforts to eat healthier and feel more comfortable in her own skin?

Being with a woman who is trying to lose weight or make healthy lifestyle changes can be a challenge. I wouldn't want to be a man in this position. On the one hand, she wants your support and admiration for her efforts. On the other hand, she wants you to make it clear that you love her and think she's beautiful just the way she is. It's a fine line to walk.

Here are the Dos and Don't of Dealing with a Dieting Girlfriend or Wife, as I see them.

Do: Ask yourself whether you need to make some changes too.

Maybe the lifestyle changes your relationship brought about had no impact on your weight or activity level. Or may you're looking better than ever now that someone is cooking for you and you aren't living on fast food and takeout. Then again, maybe those cozy nights curled up in front of the TV have packed a few pounds on you too. If you want to lose weight yourself, make it a team effort. Having a diet and workout partner can be a strong motivator.

Don't: Turn it into a competition or expect her to keep up with you.

Everyone experiences different results when dieting. If you have more weight to lose than her, chances are yours will drop faster. If your job involves physical activity and she's chained to a desk all day, she'll need more exercise to keep up with your body toning efforts. If every weekly weigh-in involves you dancing around the house because you've dropped three pounds to her one, she's going to get discouraged and dive headfirst into a cheesecake.

Do: Tell her how good she'd look in that skimpy number.

On a Saturday stroll through the mall, point out a cute summery outfit and tell her how hot you think she'd look in it. In her mind, she's thinking "no way you'd catch me in that until these arms and thighs are toned." But the fact that you imagine her looking first-rate in it will make her feel good about herself, and the desire to actually let you see her in the outfit will motivate her to keep up her efforts.

Don't: Point out how hot that chick in the skimpy number looks.

On a Saturday night at the pub, don't drool obviously over the girl in the miniskirt and barely-there tank top. We all look. It's a fact of life. But when your girlfriend or wife is feeling about a bit of extra baggage around the middle, the last thing she needs to see is your bug-eyed appreciation of Little Miss Bare-All.

Do: Take an interest in her health food.

Okay, so you think tofu is the dumbest invention known to man and that eating celery sticks is absolutely pointless. Keep those opinions to yourself. You don't have to chow down on the rice cakes yourself, but ask her questions about why she's choosing what she's putting in the fridge. Let her know you're interested in what she's doing, and help her think through her choices.

Don't: Bury her tofu under a pizza box.

Because honestly, that's just mean.

Do: Suggest alternative clothing choices if the answer to the dreaded "does my butt look big in this outfit" question is "yes."

Women know that asking this question just isn't fair. You can't win. If you think her butt looks fine and tell her so, but after a few drinks she checks herself out in the women's room mirror and sees an alcohol-induced hippopotamus staring back at her, she's going to think you're a liar. If you think her butt is a bit oversized for those jeans and tell her so, she's going to either have a crying jag, not speak to you for a week, point out that you're no Arnold Schwarzenegger yourself, cut off the nookie on the premise that you couldn't possibly want to see her naked, or all of the above.

There's no way out of this one. If the answer really is that she should consider wearing something else or put her at risk of busting out at the seams, then you have to tell her so. Instead of pointing out that her pants are ripping are stretching in a valiant effort to hold her backside in, try suggesting that she wear another, more flattering outfit that you really like instead. She'll know what you're doing, but she'll appreciate that you're trying to be delicate about the whole thing, especially if her remind her that she's gorgeous.

Don't: Suggest a pair of sweats and a bulky sweater instead.

If she believes that you think the best thing for her to do is to hide under a tent, you'll never get her out of the house.

Do: Be considerate when snacking around her.

So, you're Mr. Metabolism. You can eat a large pizza and an entire bag of chips and then lay around doing nothing all weekend, and still not gain an ounce. That doesn't mean you should shovel in a bag of her favorite snack food while she's nibbling a carrot. If you're hanging out together and you get the munchies, go for the bag of Pork Rinds that always made her wrinkle her nose in disgust instead. She'll be glad she's watching what she eats.

Don't: Change your habits completely to suit her needs.

Not consuming mass quantities of her favorite food in front of her is considerate. But she shouldn't expect you to change all of your habits just because she's dieting. It isn't fair, and it doesn't do her any long-term good. Part of weight management is learning to make healthy choices regardless of what's going on around you. If she can only stay on track when you're dieting with her and caves the minute you break down and order a cheese steak, she's going to have a long road ahead of her.

Do: Suggest fun and active things to do on the weekends and evenings.

A big part of fighting weight gain is choosing to stay active. The cuddly couch potato routine is nice, but not great for the figure. Being active burns calories, tones your body and keeps you from thinking about food. Join a gym and work out together. Or just take long walks around your city, park, or hiking trail. Do yard work together. For evening outings, consider something like roller skating, ice skating or dancing instead of the more sedentary dinner and movie routine.

Don't: Encourage her to join a gym with you and then drool over all the hot babes in their workout gear while she's huffing and puffing on the treadmill.

I don't think this one needs any explanation.

Do: Express interest in her efforts from a health standpoint.

Let her know that you're glad she's trying to take better care of herself because you love her and want her around for a long time. Make sure she knows that you care just as much about what her new exercise routine is doing for her heart and mind as you do about how quickly she's going to be comfortable wearing a bikini again.

Don't: Become a drill sergeant.

Encouraging her to exercise or drink more water is one thing. Dragging her to the gym when she says she's coming down with the flu or criticizing the number of pushups she can do is something else entirely.

Do: Preoccupy her during prime snacking hours with sex.

Here's one that'll make you happy. Instead of sitting around munching on snack food at night, put the moves on her. Sex is physical activity. It occupies the senses and takes away the craving for food. Spending lots of time naked is a great motivator for weight loss. The fact that you want her reminds her that she's wonderful just the way she is.

Don't: Turn her off by complaining about food or lack of it.

So you would have rather she cooked a lasagna than offered up that chicken breast and string beans for dinner. When she went to the grocery store, she got Snackwells instead of Chips Ahoy, and you're craving a fix. Just zip it and get naked. It's better for you, too.

Do: Encourage her to have a treat now and then.

One of the worst mistakes people make with weight loss is committing to a strict diet routine for a set amount of time and then indulging in an overload of old habits. To keep off the weight, you have to make permanent lifestyle changes. It's better to generally eat healthy and treat yourself to a favorite "bad for you" snack now and then. Good food is one of the joys in life. Let her know it's okay to indulge in a treat once in a while, and that you'll enjoy your own much more if she has a few bites.

Don't: Bring home a tub of her favorite ice cream.

If she's a mint chocolate chip addict, suggest that you go out for a cone now and then. Don't have a vat of the stuff sitting around the house waiting for her PMS to strike.

Do: Notice her efforts

This can be difficult if she didn't have much weight to lose anyway. But try. When she's successful in her weight loss goals, she wants to know others can see the difference. If she comes skipping into the bedroom in a pair of jeans she claims fit much better than before, compliment her on her success. Maybe you can't see the difference, but if she's feeling a change in the way they feel around her waistline, she's got cause to celebrate.

Don't: Express obvious relief.

Telling her she now looks incredible in that shirt that exposes a bit of belly is one thing. Admitting how glad you are that the roll that used to peek out from under it isn't there anymore is another.

Do: Reward her efforts.

Weight loss can mean sacrifice. She's not eating her favorite things. She's exercising when she'd rather be reading or watching her favorite TV show. Give her some encouragement and a bit of a pick-me-up. Buy her that new book, DVD or CD she wanted. Take her to that museum she's been dying to go to, even if art history isn't entirely your thing. Suggest that she go shopping for some new clothes to show off her success.

Don't: Buy her new clothes yourself, unless you can guarantee you won't get wrong size.

If you buy that sexy lingerie and it's too small, she's going to feel bad. Take her shopping and encourage her to try things on for you instead. Pick something out together. I know it sounds awful, but it won't kill you. Besides, if you suffer through an hour in the women's sales racks, she owes you.

Do: Discourage obsessive behavior.

This is probably the most important thing you can do. Some people can become obsessed with weight loss regimens. It is easy to cross the line between making healthy choices and becoming obsessive. If your girlfriend or wife is exercising 3-5 times a week and generally eating nutritious, low-calorie, low-fat meals, she's on the right track. If she berates herself for missing one day at the gym, won't take a vacation or participate in a special activity she normally loves because it would mean missing a workout, and refuses to let herself ever have a treat she enjoys, then she may be crossing over into unhealthy obsession territory. Remind her that she looks wonderful. Tell her when you think she might be crossing over into "too thin" territory. Let her know that you miss the girl who would enjoy hot dogs and beer with you at a baseball game or split a candy bar and popcorn at the movies now and then.

Don't: Discourage healthy changes just because they're inconvenient for you.

Wanting her to enjoy a pizza or a creamy pasta dish with you once in a while is fine. Coercing her into unhealthy choices because it's easier for you if you're both just grabbing a cheeseburger for dinner or you'd rather she hang out with you at night instead of going to her aerobics or yoga class three times a week is selfish.

When you're in a relationship, one partner's habits and decision to make lifestyle changes will impact the other person. She shouldn't expect you to change your entire routine because she's working towards a weight loss goal. But she should be able to count on you for encouragement, support, and assistance.

I think back to my friend Bob and laugh. I'll bet if Jan decided she wanted to make some dietary changes, he'd be the first one complaining about the fish and veggies she made for dinner, wondering where his smothered steak went but being far too lazy to get it for himself.

Being supportive is in your best interest. She'll be healthier and more active. Women who are feeling good about themselves tend to be more interested in sex and less likely to assume you're ogling every other girl in the room. Who knows, when she gets to the point that she feels good about her body, she may never ask you the dreaded "does my butt look big in these pants" question again.