Welcome to the Machine

[Obama] Well. Here we are. Distinguished guests, and Republicans, thanks for accepting my invitation to the Health Care Summit. As I've always said, I am confident that we will allow all sides to air their opinions and offer their suggestions, after which I'll head back to the office and sign the Health Care bill that I already wrote earlier this week.

Nancy Pelosi leaps to her feet.

[Nancy Pelosi] Meeting adjourned!

[Obama] Easy, girl. Okay. Before we get started, I'd like to make some brief opening remarks, since there are cameras in here. As I've always said...

48 minutes later...

[Obama] ...and that's why, as I've always said, make no mistake.

Pelosi leaps to her feet.

[Pelosi] Yay! Yay!

[Obama] Okay. Let me be transparent and toss out a bipartisan bone. Let's hear from the Minority Whip. Senator McConnell?

[Mitch McConnell] Thank you, Mr. Pr...

[Obama] Hold up, Mitch. Hey! Fox News! Can you guys hear us okay back there?

[Small Voice At The Back Of The Room] Hey, this outlet's dead!

[Obama] Whatever. Hit it, Whip.

[McConnell] Thank you, Mr. President. I yield to my distinguished colleague, our Minority Leader, Mr. Boehner.

[John Boehner] Thank you, Senator. I yield to my distinguished colleague, Senator Alexander.

[Lamar Alexander] Thank you, John. I yield to my distinguished colleague, who also happens to be a respected doctor.

[Respected Doctor] Thank you, Senator. Mr. President, if you'll take a look at this chart, you'll clearly see tha...

A buzzer sounds.

[Obama] Okay, that's your side's turn. Thanks for your valuable input. Speaker Pelosi, would you like to say a few words while you're in my presence?

[Pelosi] I'm not worthy.

[Obama] True enough. How 'bout our Majority Leader, then? Senator Reid? HARRY!

Harry Reid snaps out of his light snooze, spins around, and addresses the wall behind him.

[Reid] I have, here in my hand, a le...

[Obama] Over here, Sparky.

Pelosi gyros Reid's chair back to front. Harry blinks several times, waves at the assembled crowd, and then finds his place.

[Reid] I have, here in my hand, a letter I'm holding here in my hand from a Nevada resident, Michael Lattoral, a simple, hard-working citizen from Nevada. Michael is supporting his mother, an illegal alien who lost the left side of her face in a poorly-planned card trick. And then Arturo lost his job and had to start beating his wife. As a result of these tragedies, and several niggling arrest warrants, they have no insurance as a result. And that's why I say we have to act now! I don't how to make it any more clear than that clear.

[Respected Doctor] As this chart on spousal abuse shows, there is no clear correla...

[Obama] You know, every day I get 20 million letters from Americans, and my staff picks out about a dozen of 'em for me to read, or so I'm told. Make no mistake - those letters deserve better. And that's why, as I've always said, I'm signing an executive order which will save or create 20 million jobs, opening letters.

Pelosi leaps to her feet.

[Pelosi] You're just too good for us, sir.

[Chris Dodd] Union jobs, right?

[Obama] And heading up this new initiative will be my good friend and partner, Vice President Jim Biden. 'Cause nobody messes with Jim.

[Joe Biden] It's Joe, sir. Joe Biden.

[Obama] Whatever.

[Respected Doctor] Mr. President, I have another chart here that I think will help clear u...

[Obama] Give it a rest, Sawbones.

[Reid] What's that noise?

A minor demon materializes, points to a yellowed contract, and swallows Chris Dodd.

[John McCain] Looks like Chris gets letters, too.

[Obama] Say what? Sorry, John, didn't hear you. I was looking over the election results. Seen 'em yet?

McCain stares at a point in the near distance, grinding his teeth.

[McConnell] You know, I have a letter here from one of my constituents, Eaton Krill. Mr. Krill's insurance was canceled after he was diagnosed with recurring neck bolts. And that's why we need to scrap this whole bill and start over.

[Obama] Make no mistake. As I've always said, we don't have time to start over. We've spent hours in here already, and there's no way I'm keeping this tie on much longer.

[Pelosi] It's a lovely tie, sir.

[Lamar Alexander] I have some letters with me, too. Does anybody want t...

A buzzer sounds.

[Obama] MY TURN!

Pelosi leaps to her feet and clamps a rose between her teeth.

[Obama] No, not that "my turn," Nancy.

[Reid] Sir, that one's me. It's time for my medication.

[Respected Doctor] You know, speaking of medication, I have a chart here that I'm sure w...

[Obama] Okay, let's see. According to my watch, it's time for me to look around the room, nodding in a bipartisan way, while staring at a point in the near distance and effecting a concerned yet controlled frown.

[Pelosi] Yay! Yay!

[Obama] Imagine it, John. Millions of letters. Every day. Hey, John, how many letters YOU gettin' lately?

[McCain] Sir, I'm not sure how that's relevant to this discu...

[Obama] Okay, John. Enough of your petty partisan bickering. The election's over, John. I won.

McCain hurls a pencil, pinning a CNN reporter to the wall.

[Obama] Hey, John! I. Am. The. President.

Nancy Pelosi falls to the floor, swooning.

[Obama] Hey, Sawbones. Revive the chirp, wouldja?

[Respected Doctor] Revive this.