Welcome to Severed Oaths!

Thanks for your recent registration to the Severed Oaths Self-Help Workshop. We're pleased to let you know that we have accepted your application, based on the following stringent analysis:

1. Your psychological profile is a near-perfect match for our self-help program

2. Your "Why My Life Is A Cold, Bitter, Dark Hole" essay touched our hearts

3. Your check cleared

So to help you prepare for our immersive, world-class experience, we've enclosed a little background information, and some anti-nausea medication. See you soon!

What is Severed Oaths?

Severed Oaths is not a place ... it is a concept, an idea, a non-entity; in other words, a tax-exempt corporate money laundry. And as a "laundry," we're here to cleanse the pocketbook as well as the spirit.

A leader in the management of internal self-loathing since, oh, a really long time ago, Severed Oaths has culled and coerced the best and the brightest from various arenas of personal, political, social and anti-social climates to bring you a diverse and altogether new climate of neuroses.

We focus on things that have been ignored. We look reality in the face. We believe in taking life by the horns, then ripping off one of the horns and, using the horn, beating life to death.

We don't do sacred cows. We insult stuff. We run rough-shod over tradition; we ride herd on religious fallacies; we have our own brand. And we could go on for days exploiting this "bull" metaphor. Believe me.

Severed Oaths - a tradition of trust, a playground of the cosmos, a tax deduction. Let's begin!

SEVERED OATHS: PROGRAM HIGHLIGHTS

A Dianetic Approach to World Ecology

Our fragile planet's delicate ecosystems are collapsing, hourly, due to global warming, de-forestation, ozone depletion and environmental exploitation. Species are vanishing as fast as our breathable air supply.

WE. DON'T. CARE.

Our jaded counselors and free-style taxidermists will refocus your priorities in an intensive and patented "Bronx Cheer" approach to the ridiculous whimperings of environmentalists. Day 1 promises to skewer convention by means of our highly popular "Pin the Tail on the Egret" contest. And in another Severed Oaths first, former Reagan-era Secretary of the Interior James "Buster Quota" Watts will deliver the motivational opening address, entitled "Guns Don't Kill Animals. You Need Bullets, Too."

Award ceremonies and endocrine baths will be held at our exclusive shore-side retreat, "Club Baby Seal." Drinks, lures, ammo, nets and falsified hunting licenses will be provided.

Program Leaders: Alice Cooper & Janet Reno

Sponsor: Pier One Imports

The Art Of The War Of Business

Severed Oaths is proud to offer its new program for upper-echelon corporate management training. In this intensive series of power breakfasts, we ready fledgling power brokers for an active and productive lifetime of ignoring public outcry and denouncing obvious truths. Our hardly qualified phalanx of speakers will address these, among other timely topics:

* Valium: It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

* Hostile Makeovers: The Changing Role of the Woman Executive

* The Paperwork Explosion, or "Khrushchev's Last Laugh"

* Corporate Responsibility, Hansel & Gretel, Ulysses and Other Myths

* A Jug Of Wine, A Loaf Of Bread And Thou: A New Approach To Corporate Advancement

Program Leaders: Tim Geithner & Michael Milken

The Holistic Way to Self-Regulation

The path to self-actualization, cosmic harmony and intestinal regularity is a goal we all should seek, some more than others. In this course, we will attempt to achieve these goals through meditation and applied bran ingestion. We will discuss various scatological arguments, such as why those Geico Cavemen always wear that urgent, nervous expression. In our search for the ultimate deity-agnostic diuretic, we will consider various scripts from network sit-coms, hours of C-SPAN footage and the collected culinary works of Chef Boyardee.

Program Leaders: Mel Brooks & Bart Simpson

Sponsor: Taco Bell

Consciousness Expansion/Emotional Release: A Three-Week Search for Mother Nature

As Marshall McLuhan aptly noted, the world has become a "vast wasteland," thanks to the proliferation of television, non-returnable plastics and people who type stuff like "ROTFL!!!" and "Their going, an we r going 2! LOL!" Based on time-proven sales techniques, our staff will lead the intrepid subscribers of this course on an extensive, seven-state tour of the South, offering each day the possibility of venting one's pent-up wrath on completely innocent American homeowners.

Armed only with a broken vacuum-cleaner and a regiment of drunken, syphilitic Union soldiers, participants in this radical program will be forced to confront their darkest psychic arenas as they attempt to sell worthless merchandise to random American consumers. Only in the event of a total rejection will our guidance counselors release the hidden hordes of torch-wielding Union "closers."

We at Severed Oaths feel that, in this way, we can all truly and completely purge ourselves of subconscious violent tendencies, allowing us to focus on our more overt psychotic yearnings. Plus, we can sell some stuff.

Program Leaders: General William T. Sherman & that irritating lady who's fallen and can't get up

Sponsor: Sony of Japan

The Severed Oaths Wall-To-Wall Totally Encompassing And Frighteningly All-Knowing Final And Complete Answer (aka, "Shakra the Monkey")

Led by Shirley Maclaine, Shirley Maclaine (prime), a lady who thought she used to be Shirley Maclaine, the former Shirley Maclaine & Dr. Phil

As we approach seminar's end, you and all the other Severed Oaths' psychic pilgrims will gather for one final ridiculous gesture. Prepare yourself for a journey into Early American Culture as we all enter the sweat Lodge. Within the holy confines of the rich Corinthian Leather teepee, expect to experience all-encompassing visions, one's own unique animal spirit, total peace, and a level of body odor that you cannot imagine.

Here, as we sit on the lap of Gaia, the Mother Earth, we shall all wait the final revelation, a nice maternal dose of Gaia guilt, and your bill. This is a time for slowing down, communal sharing, and reaching for one's temporal wallet. All major credit cards are accepted, and please burn the directions to Severed Oaths before you leave.

SEVERED OATHS: CAST & CREW

Shaman Capote is co-founder of Severed Oaths and calls himself a "self-actualizing life coach," which he says, if you can believe it, with a straight face. After an impressive martial arts career within many of our finer penal institutions, he self-actualized his way over a rather unfriendly fence and began to re-focus on personal pecuniary development. Shaman also doubles as Severed Oaths' Director of Collections and Bad Debts.

Helen Hiwater is co-founder of Severed Oaths and a confirmed but recovering jogger. Always at the forefront of trendy and fleeting national fads, she became entirely transfixed by the lasting influence of ancient meditation therapy, particularly the Kama Sutra, page 115. She will resume instruction of her classes when she returns from the chiropractor.

Roxanne Los Wages came to Severed Oaths four years ago as a very confused little girl and will probably leave just as confused. However, her radical "après-dinner" approach to counselor relaxation techniques has validated her value here at Severed Oaths.

John Smith (a pseudonym), who cautiously wandered into our group one night, has enhanced our instructional staff in the art of surviving off the land, achieving semi-restful states in culverts and spotting plain-clothes policemen. Little is known of his past, and the less we know, the better.

Imotep materialized at Severed Oaths early one evening during a punitive viewing of the film "Ishtar" and has been hovering above the grill hood in the dining room ever since. He spends most of his time in a state of harmonic rapture as watches Jennifer Anniston films over and over again. And he is invaluable as the camp electrician.

Jackson (Big Jake) P. Wellman stumbled into Severed Oaths from deep within the local mountains as he stalked an elusive turkey for Thanksgiving Dinner. Mr. Wellman offers a unique perspective on property rights and is one of the region's leading experts on corn-based beverages. Big Jake runs our Severed Oaths' Real World Readjustment Clinic and is a fine whittler.

Mahatma Blondie, a cybernetic robot, was purchased by our staff as a joke birthday gift from a Upanishads 'R' Us mail-order catalog, during a "buy one, get enlightenment" promotion. However, her inherent ability to predict certain pari-mutuel opportunities involving our equine planetary co-habitants has made her indispensible to our crew. She does, however, exhibit a tendency to short-circuit on "Carbon-Double-Dating Night."

Baba Century Yogi, a former ergonomics coordinator for General Motors, has absolutely no function here at Severed Oaths, but what a name, huh?

Ghin Sue Jones works at the popular Severed Oaths "Endorphins On Demand" clinic as a stress-inducer, utilizing common household items and finely-honed kitchen implements as a source of tension. In her free time, she does extensive volunteer work for "Fathers Without Morals." Primal therapy is her bailiwick. Surprise, surprise.

Itzhak Raoul Headcheese heads up our recruitment program here at Severed Oaths. Armed with only a didactic worldview and a Thompson gun, he has consistently broken all enrollment records, along with nine Commandments and most of our windows. Never, we repeat, NEVER offer this man your "frequent flyer" discounts.

SEVERED OATHS - ARROGANTLY ABSURD