Welcome to the South

Welcome to the South, its beautiful here isn't it? Look at that beautiful bunch of flowers over there; they have been blooming for days now. Aren't we just lucky to be here to enjoy them? I got the seeds for them from Wanda; she is married to Joe Johnson. They live down the street and have the prettiest yard in town. We trade seeds, bulbs and clippings of whatever we have at the moment. I got some tulips bulbs from her yesterday, they are supposed to be yellow, but she didn't know for sure. What's that? You want me to get on with my guide for new folks to the South. I'm getting there, don't rush me. Looks like the first thing I need to tell you is that here in the South we like small talk; we think it is polite to talk about this and that, before we get the heart of our conversation. So just learn to have patience and enjoy shooting the breeze until we get to what you wanted to talk about. Why do you have to change? Why, honey you are in the South now, you can do it our way or you can just shush.

Now another thing you'll need to know is when you first meet someone of the older generation just expect that you will be asked one of two things: "What church do you attend? " or "Who are your people?" If you think they are being nosy you would be wrong. No they are just trying to establish where you fit in the social strata. Knowing where a person fits in society is important to some of us. If your answer to which ever question you are asked isn't helpful in figuring that out then you will be asked the other question. What! You don't know what they mean by "who are you people?" They want to know who your mama and daddy are and if they don't know them they'll be asking about your aunts, uncles and grandparents. You can stop that with I'm not from around here and neither were any of my people. You don't want to share which church you attend? Well, you change the subject. If you do it right they will be distracted by your topic and won't ask again. If they are smart enough, they will know that you don't want to share and will leave it alone. If they aren't, well you could just be rude and tell them it's none of their business. Personally, I think changing the topic again the better way to go. I mentioned what the older generation asks and I nearly forgot to tell you the rest of us want to know where you are from. It's usually a great conversation starter.

Some folks who aren't from the South have the idea that we are all stupid because we talk slow. They would be wrong. I'm not saying everyone in the South is a genius; we do have the fair share of stupid people. I guess what I'm saying is be careful of judging us by the speed in which we talk and the way we talk. I've gotten grief from every one of my Yankee friends about my accent and my pronunciation. I do realize that y'all have control over the dictionaries because they are published in the North, but you don't get to enforce the dictionary rules here in the South. We like the way we speak, we think you are the ones that talk funny and have trouble with speaking the English language properly. While I'm on this topic let me tell you if you see a glazed look in a Southerner's eyes it is probably one of two things: you are speaking too fast for our ears or your accent is so different we don't understand you. Try slowing down a notch or two and being more careful of your words. Oh and do us both a favor, keep your helpful hints on how to speak properly to yourself. It only pisses us off. Remember we like our accent; we aren't going to change our ways because you aren't satisfied with the way we talk.

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More of Welcome to the South:

Part 2: What you can expect to happen in different settings while you are in the South: Topics covered: food, funeral processions, getting directions, Civil War and saying goodbye.

Part 3: What you can expect to happen in different settings while you are in the South: Topics: the proper use of the word "y'all," what to call your parents, and what to do when it snows.

Part 4: What you can expect to happen in different settings while you are in the South: Topics covered: family, food and a popular Southern joke.