Welcome to the University of Greg Oden

In a matter of days, thanks to the geniuses who put the two supposedly worst teams in the NCAA tourney and played them days before the real competition, in what is basically a Super NIT, you will be given the opportunity to dream about your school making it all the way to...the big day.

Except you may notice yourself drooling and slumped in your easy chair, wearing your Crapaneticut State hoodie and choking on a hot wing. That's because you just had to play The University of Greg Oden (Ohio State) and he beat you with one hand tied behind his back. He's done it before (watch tapes from earlier in the season) and he can do it again! His team, I mean him, played OK and he had another 60-40 day, winning 61-10 over your happy-to-be-there but totally overmatched program featuring 13 transfers and a hidden gem from some country I've never heard of.

After that Oden will take on the stormin' Mormons, whose average median age is 25. The problem with the equation is that Oden looks like he's 30 and plays like a 19-year-old...because he is 19! The plan for that game is for Oden to get the ball in the paint and paint opposing faces with brushstrokes from his elbow. BYU may have banned Rodin but they can't do anything about the loud colors and the rude greeting their center Trent Plaisted is gonna get when Brother Greg puts a few in his face. Game over and next opponent. Don't come over to my house looking to save me, Greg could say.

Ah, the Sweetest of Sweet 16's. Virginia is a good team except for the fact that Ralph Sampson hasn't reincarnated and returned in a Cavaliers uniform, meaning zero total people capable of stopping The University of Greg Oden. I'm sure Big Ralph will be watching, however. And he won't enjoy what he's seeing.

The University of Greg Oden is headed to the Elite 8!

Next up: Memphis.

I've gotta hand it to John Calipari. I had no idea so many Memphis players were making grades! Not since Penny Hardaway has there been such an outpouring of excitement. That's about to end, though cause...you guessed it...it's time for...

The University of Greg Oden!

And the Tigers are about to get schooled. Time to go see the tutors! See you in the NIT!!!

Now I could really talk about the other teams in the tourney so I'll give it a second thought. Done.

In the Final Four you know who will take on Tyler Hansbrough and North Carolina down around Hotlanta. After Oden pulls down, like, a million rebounds, the Big O's about ready to take his show to the NBA--but not until he annihilates UCLA, the former No., 1 with Ben Howland the coach, blah, blah, blah.

And I have a word of advice for Kobe, LeBron or anyone waiting to tangle with The University of Greg Oden: Hide.