What to Avoid Saying to the Spouse of a Deployed Active Duty Military Member

Spouses of deployed active duty members who stay behind will have a lot to cope with whether they have children or not. But it can be even harder when they face insensitive comments from well meaning family and friends. This article will look at some common mistakes that people make in an effort to comfort the spouse of a deployed active duty member.

I Know How You Feel

The real question to this is: do you really know how it feels to be apart from your spouse for an extended period of time? A deployment is not the same as spending a weekend or even a week apart from your spouse. A deployment means spending months, sometimes up to a year or more, apart from one another. It means taking care of the home, children, bills, work worries and car maintenance all on your own, as well as dealing with the fact that when you walk through the door at the end of a long day at work, you will not have your spouse with you. You will eat alone, sleep alone and carry on with your life alone while your spouse is gone. Even if this statement comes from another military spouse, no one can feel someone else's pain or loneliness as keenly as the individual in question.

You Must Be so Worried for His/her Safety

People who come out with this statement do not usually mean any harm. But it can be very hurtful for military spouses to be confronted with the very real risk that their deployed spouse is in and the fact that not all deployed active duty members return home at the end of their deployment. To be reminded of their spouse's mortality can be very unsettling and cause a lot of anxiety.

You are so Brave

This reminds me of the sort of thing that a parent would say to their child after a visit to the doctor's for a vaccination. It can help to put a smile back on the face of a young child, but it can be rather patronising to tell a grown man or woman that they are brave to have to go through a deployment.

The point of this article is to help highlight the fact that some demonstrations of emotional support can actually cause more harm than good to some military spouses who are going through a deployment. If you are not sure of what to say, it is best to let the military spouse take the lead. They may not even want to discuss their spouse's deployment. They may simply want to take a break and temporarily forget what they are going through.