What the Borders Books Job Application Really Said

There were so many freakin' questions on the Borders books job application I just completed, that I only vaguely remember what happened. I sensed as I marked bubbles that many of the questions were repeated in slightly altered phrases. After doing some research, for you other job seekers' sakes, I have compiled this list of the core 30 items that were actually asked on the test. You're supposed to rank yourself from "strongly disagree" to "strongly agree" and anywhere in between...

1. You like to slough off your work and cut corners when nobody's watching.

2. You can't stand being around other freaking idiots (people).

3. Reading sucks and is boring, and I don't know how.

4. When you are mistreated, you get pissed off and hold a lethal grudge forever.

5. You love to bask in other people's fawning, sycophantic outpourings of attention.

6. Slow-moving morons (people) make you grit and gnash your teeth in rage.

7. You often feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or taking the entire store hostage at gunpoint for retribution for having to deal with those jerk-faces.

8. You got mostly Fs in school and were held back in every grade. You were passed only when you turned 27 and bought beer for the principal.

9. Most people are lying backstabbers and deserve a slow, painful death.

10. You could easily describe yourself as "a disgusting slob."

11. In your free time, you enjoy chugging beer and belching loudly.

12. Your personal stuff often looks like a filthy, nasty pig sty.

13. You are a very disagreeable person and everyone hates your guts.

14. You are constantly swinging uncontrollably from one mood to another, having temper tantrums and outbursts of self-pity.

15. You constantly fake being polite to everyone, all the time.

16. You were constantly absent from and skipping school in order to smoke weed and make out under the bleachers.

17. You could give a rat's @$$ what those @$$holes (other people) think about you!!!

18. You are so uncreative and unoriginal that you need a stiff routine because freedom is just plain scary.

19. You are a skilled manipulator and liar.

20. You love to get in a cave with a couple of rocks and avoid all human contact for months on end.

21. You never make new friends. (And you never had old ones.)

22. You are incapable of leading people, because, quite frankly, you just don't like them.

23. You enjoy agonizing over mistakes and never letting go of your failed past.

24. You do most things with intentional sloppiness and relish in making as many mistakes as possible.

25. You ALWAYS finish what you start, NO MATTER what the cost in lives or property! Hoorah!

26. Having no soul or emotions, you are incapable of human empathy.

27. Having no ambition or pride, you want to be the worst (last place) at everything you do.

28. You'd really rather get drunk or high than come to "work."

29. You are plagued by self-doubt and grieving over your failed past.

30. You are ill lit r ute.

When I get my score back I'll post it.

Sources:

"Borders Careers: Apply for a Cashier, Seller, Cafe Seller, Inventory Team, or Supervisor position at Borders stores," URL: http://www.bordersgroupinc.com/careers/borders.htm