What Bristol and Levi Did on Their Summer Vacation

Those who have been on summer vacation these past few weeks may be a bit behind on the latest Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston news. In fact, even non-vacationers may be behind the latest Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston news.

Indeed, I wouldn't be at all surprised if several close family members and friends of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have fallen a bit behind on their latest news.

I would even venture to say that there is a very real possibility that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston themselves are behind and confused when it comes to the latest Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston news.

You see, a lot has happened in the past month with America's sweethearts. Much like Levi Johnston's planned reality show (that's just a tease for part of what I will discuss later), lately it seems that the lives of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston need to be followed in real time in order to keep up with it all.

You could try to figure it all out yourself by locking yourself in a room for a day or two, alone with your computer and piles of celebrity magazines. But I should warn you that if you attempt to completely understand what has gone on with these two on again, off again lovebirds since mid-July without professional assistance, you likely will ultimately feel as overwhelmed as Sarah Palin feels (or should feel) when preparing for a debate. Can I call you Joe?

Jokes aside, I implore you not to panic. This is why I am here: to help political aficionados, current events junkies and perhaps even the adorable Bristol and Levi make sense of it all.

The Calm Before the Storm

In retrospect, we should have known something was up with Bristol and Levi. Things were just too quiet for the first half of 2010.

Yes, Levi posed nude for Playgirl Magazine in February, but that ultimately is just a rounding error of sorts when it comes to scandalous stories with these two.

Besides, Levi's Playgirl pictures were, by all accounts, tastefully done. Or as tastefully done as a nineteen year old self described 'redneck' from Alaska posing in what is largely an older gay men's magazine can be done. (This is not meant as a slight to older gay men, nor as a slight to gay men in general. It is meant as a slight simply to older gay men, and to gay men in general, that actually buy Playgirl Magazine under any circumstances; particularly, though, to look at a nineteen year old self-described redneck from Alaska.)

Levi and Sarah Palin (Bristol's mom and former governor of Alaska who quit the job so that she could better serve Alaskans by getting paid to give speeches to companies in the lower 48 states and doing a book deal), had spent much of 2009 taking potshots at one another, with Levi airing what he claimed were the family's dirty secrets and Palin accusing Levi of aspiring to a career in porn.

But that simmered down, and the first half of 2010 was just too darn quiet. In fact, much of the attention that would otherwise go to Levi and Bristol seemed inordinately focused instead on Sarah Palin and speculation that she planned to run for President in 2012 on a socially conservative, family values based agenda.

What we didn't know back in those innocent days of May and June was that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston were about to completely not shock the world, via US Weekly magazine.

The Announcement

In mid-July, Bristol and Levi appeared on the cover of US Weekly, along with their baby, and gave the joyous news that they were back together and were planning to get married.

When the announcement came, it was shocking in how incredibly unshocking it was.

Perhaps to be fair to everyone, the lovebirds and parents did not play favorites and tell anybody first; they used US Weekly to break the news to everybody all at once!

The interview and article were quite interesting as they shared that they had been seeing each other for quite some time, unbeknownst to Bristol's parents.

In fact, these star crossed lovers had an ingenious system worked out to avoid detection. When Bristol's parents came by to visit the baby, Levi would sneak out the back door and hide in the yard. When her family value loving, conservative value espousing parents left, Bristol would text Levi to let him know the coast was clear and he could come back. Bristol obviously felt this added detail would be a useful thing to share with everybody in the US Weekly article. Add more texture to the interview, if you will.

The then happy couple announced something very important. Despite the fact that they were living together, and despite the fact that they had a child together, and despite the fact that they announced their engagement through a gossip magazine, and despite the fact that Levi had posed nude in Playgirl Magazine and despite the fact that they had lied to her parents about being together, and despite the fact that less than a year earlier Bristol's mom had called Levi an 'aspiring porn star' on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and despite the fact that Levi had accused Sarah Palin of referring to her Down's Syndrome child as 'retarded', they were not, NOT, having premarital sex.

This pious statement clearly put to shame engaged people everywhere who were waiting to get married before having kids (and who didn't tell their parents through US Weekly ), but who WERE doing the nasty.

The millions of sex-loving engaged people with no out of wedlock children who were waiting to get married before living together surely went into a period of re-thinking their moral compass after reading how morally focused and pure Bristol and Levi were.

Ultimately, Bristol and Levi were shunning premarital sex because, presumably, it would be the wrong thing to do and could lead to problems. No sense, you see, in making a big mess of everything before their wedding.

In reaction to the exciting US Weekly cover story, Sarah and Todd Palin released a statement. It didn't, in all candor, sound as if they were taking the view that they 'weren't losing a daughter, but gaining a son'. The statement read: "Bristol at 19 is now a young adult. We obviously want what's best for our children. Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives."

If you can read that sentiment without choking up, well, so can I.

Storm Clouds

For three or four glorious days, everything seemed to be going swimmingly for the newly engaged couple. Levi and Bristol looked ready to pick out the linens and register at whatever store people in Wasilla, Alaska register.

Nothing lasts forever, however, and that holds true even when it comes to Levi and Bristol.

A short while after the US Weekly article appeared, news broke that a former girlfriend of Levi's, Lanesia Garcia, whom he dated while broken up with Bristol, was pregnant and Levi was one of three possible fathers who was, well, with Garcia, during the week of conception.

This reportedly infuriated Bristol who apparently believed the only time Levi had had premarital sex was the time that they conceived their son, Tripp. (Note: To avoid any confusion, Tripp is Levi and Bristol's son. His uncle is named Trig. Trig is the one that Levi claimed Sarah Palin called 'retarded'.)

For his part, Levi denied that he was the father of Garcia's baby but didn't really say how he knew he wasn't.

As August began, Garcia gave an interview and said that there was no way Levi Johnston was the father because they hadn't dated since the 8^th grade. She said she tried to reach out to Bristol to tell her this, but Bristol wouldn't talk to her.

Then, however, another ex-girlfriend of Levi's named Briana Plum (really) surfaced. According to several less than specific reports, Bristol saw on Facebook a juicy picture (sorry) of Plum and Levi and thought maybe they should just hold off on the wedding plans after all.

The Breakup

Finally, Bristol herself gave an interview to People Magazine and said that despite all the rumors of getting a girl pregnant and salacious Facebook pictures, the thing that really set her off was when Levi flew to Los Angeles to film what he said would be a hunting show. In fact, she said, he was filming a music video that "mocked her family". She wasn't specific on how the Palins could have possibly been mocked.

Sarah Palin put out another statement after Bristol announced the couple's breakup. It said, in part, "I wish for Bristol to be able to move forward in life with her same forgiving, gracious, optimistic spirit, but from henceforth she'll know to trust but verify."

The 'trust but verify' piece was a favorite saying of Ronald Reagan's, and for the first time in their lives, millions of liberals suddenly felt protective of The Gipper's legacy. I mean, he might have been public enemy number one to liberals for years, but let's not go so far as to have the late Mr. Reagan him wrapped up in THIS kind of train wreck, okay?

The Aftermath

While their relationship is over, Bristol and Levi continue to make exciting news. Levi is planning to star in his own reality show, entitled ""Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office".

Yes, as the title suggests, Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor. Specifically, Levi would like to be mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, as his sometimes future in mother in law successfully did years ago.

The current mayor, Verne Rupright (I couldn't make all of these names up), took offense to Levi's stated intentions, saying it was too early to declare his candidacy.

But he did offer the young buck some advice. Taking an obvious jab at Levi's Playgirl appearance, Rupright said, "Since I am nearly old enough to be Levi's grandfather, I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!".

Perhaps. But there are surely some old gay men in Wasilla who bought that particular Playgirl Magazine, no?

For her part, Bristol seems to be getting a good laugh out of Levi's political ambitions. She recently told US Magazine, "I never knew he had political aspirations. I'm glad that Levi has not given up on completing his education and is looking for steady employment."

Hope for the Future?

This week, Levi and Bristol reached agreement on joint custody of Tripp. Among several conditions, the agreement spells out financial arrangements and visiting hours on Saturdays and Wednesdays for Levi. It contains a provision that says neither parent may speak badly of the other one in front of Tripp.

Giving hope to the millions of Americans mourning their breakup, however, there is a section in the agreement that states: "When, or if, the parties get married to one another this shall constitute a change of circumstances".

Allow that to sink in for a moment: 'When or if they get married to one another'. We can only hope

So that's what's been happening this summer thus far with Bristol and Levi. While the days are getting a bit shorter, remember that summer is still with us. There would seem to be a good chance that come Labor Day we'll all look back at where we are today and just laugh.

Or cry.

Source: Staff, "Wasilla Mayor Slams Levi Johnston", usmagazine.com
Source: Staff, "Bristol Palin Mocks Levi Johnston's Mayoral Run", usmagazine.com
Source: Samuel Goldsmith, "Levi Johnston got ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant, Bristol Palin 'heartbroken': report," nydailynews.com
Source: David Caplan, "Finally! Levi Johnston's Playgirl Cover Revealed", people.com
Source: Rick Klein, "Palin to Oprah: Levi Johnston Pursuing 'Porn' Career; 'I Pray for Levi'", abcnews.com
Source: Doug Stanglin, "Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged", usatoday.com
Source: Staff, "Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston Engagement Ofrf; Briana Plum Facebook Pic to Blame!", thehollywoodgossip.com
Source: Staff, "Sarah Palin Reacts to Bristol and Levi's Engagement", usmagazine.com
Source: Staff, "Palin, Johnston settle custody issue", cnn.com
Source: Rachel Weiner, "Levi Johnston on CBS' Early Show: I'm Going to Leak Things on Palin, That's Just How It Is", huffingtonpost.com, huffingtonpost.com