What Can I Buy Instead of "American Idols Live! Tour 2009" Tickets?

I considered buying two American Idols Live! Tour 2009 tickets yesterday when I found out that Season Eight's American Idol finalists will be performing in Kansas City this Sunday, August 30^th, at the Sprint Center. I innocently clicked on the Ticketmaster website, thinking that this American Idols Live! Tour 2009 might be my best, least expensive shot at hearing Adam Lambert live. Then I saw the ticket prices...and shrieked. $40.50 for the cheapest seats! $69.50 for the good seats!

It's not like Adam Lambert is the only performer in the American Idols Live! Tour 2009. I'd have to pay $40.50 for a lousy seat and hear Michael Sarver and Megan Corkrey and Scott MacIntyre's solo performances, most likely while Adam Lambert is still applying eyeliner and getting sewn into his leather pants backstage.

But I shouldn't complain about the ticket prices because, get this: "American Idols Live tour will donate $1.00 from each ticket sold to City of Hope," according to the Ticketmaster website. Well, good for the City of Hope! I'm sure it's a great cause, but those exorbitant ticket prices leave me with no hope of seeing the 2009 American Idols Live tour.

So, just to be ridiculous, let's see how I can waste the same amount of money on other American Idol-related crap! This'll be fun!

First I need to figure how much money the 2009 American Idols Live tour would have cost, had I actually ordered the tickets: $40.50 times 2 equals $81. (The other ticket would have been for my husband, who likes Adam Lambert, too, and thinks Megan Corkrey's mom is hot-her mom's touring with the Idols, right? Well, that's what I'd have to tell my husband, anyway.) Don't forget Ticketmaster's "convenience charge": $9.90 times 2. So we're up to $100.80. It will cost another $2.50 to print my tickets at home-using my own printer and my own ink, of course-bringing my total to $103.30. (And that's for the sucky tickets! Just imagine what I could buy for the price of two good tickets to American Idols Live! Tour 2009!)

Here is a step-by-step guide for American Idol fans, detailing exactly how to blow $103.30 on American Idol merchandise without ever seeing the American Idols Live! Tour 2009:

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 1: Pre-order Kris Allen's new CD or buy twoFrom Justin to Kelly (Special Edition) DVDs ($6.99 each) at Amazon.com for $13.98. (I sure hope there's a From Adam to Kris movie in the works!)

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 2: Buy the "Is Anybody Listening?" CD, a recording of Adam Lambert's performance as Joshua from The Ten Commandments: The Musical, for $7.99 at Amazon.com. Adam Lambert was Joshua before he was the American Idol runner-up, obviously. I'd like to hear this CD.

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 3: Buy Ruben Studdard's "I Need an Angel" CD for $7.98 at Amazon.com. You might win a special prize for being the first person to ever order it! Ha! (Oh, I'm only kidding.)

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 4: Buy the "No Boundaries" single (on MP3) by Kris Allen or Adam Lambert--your choice! I bet you choose Adam, even though Kris won!--for $1.29 at Amazon.com.

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 5: Buy "American Idol Season 8: The 5 Song EP" on CD for $11.49 at Amazon.com. You're dying to hear that Kris Allen/Danny Gokey duet ("Renegade") again, aren't you? Or how 'bout Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert's rendition of "Slow Ride"?!

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 6: Order the book Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul at Amazon.com for $10.17.

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 7: Buy an "I Love Adam Lambert" T-shirt at Amazon.com for $12.99.

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 8: Get the 2009 Simon Cowell calendar, which comes with a sheet of color stickers (sweet!), for 7.97 pounds at www.starstore.com.

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 9: Order a used copy of Paula Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" cassette tape for one penny (plus $2.98 shipping and handling) here. I know you kids don't know what the heck a cassette tape is; it's time you learned! And these songs are worth revisiting: "Straight Up," "Cold Hearted," "Opposites Attract," and "The Way that You Love Me." Paula Abdul was hot! We'll miss Paula next season on American Idol.

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 10: Get Simon Cowell's book-I Don't Mean to be Rude, But...(Backstage Gossip from American Idol and the Secrets that Can Make You a Star)-for only $3.80 here. If this book really does turn you into the next American Idol, $3.80 is quite a bargain! And I'm sure it's very well-written, too.

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 11: Buy "My American Idol Monopoly" for $14.99 at Amazon.com. Do we get recording studios instead of hotels? What fun!

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 12: Purchase an 8-pack of American Idol 12-inch latex balloons here for only $2.99. You can't have an American Idol karaoke birthday party without these!

Spending (wasting?) hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise, step 13: Buy a men's T-shirt plastered with "Randyisms" (e.g., "That was the bomb!" and "Check it out, Dawg!") for $9.99 at Foxshop.com. Oh, you already own that? Excuse me. Get a used copy of Taylor Hicks' "Do I Make You Proud/Takin' it to the Streets" CD single for one penny (plus $2.98 shipping and handling) here. Blast that CD the next time the Soul Patrol comes a-knockin'!

I'm finally done wasting my hard-earned money on American Idol merchandise! My calculator tells me that I spent $103.30 on those 13 items (14 items, if you chose the two-copies-of-From Justin to Kelly option in Step 1). That Simon Cowell calendar costs exactly $9.65 when we convert the price from British pounds to American dollars...Yeah. Seriously. You wanna check the conversion yourself? Don't. You can trust me. Heeheehee. What a deal!

Why would any American Idol fan spend so much money to see the American Idols Live! Tour 2009 when she can get so much more for her money by buying all this other crap?!

Suck it, Ticketmaster!

All prices quoted in this article are subject to change.

Sources and related articles:

"Adam Lambert Goes Acrostic"

"Typical, Shocking 'American Idol' Results Show"

"Are You the Next American Idol?"

http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/06004289A18873BF?

www.amazon.com

www.starstore.com

http://foxshop.seenon.com/