What You Can Do when Your Child is Missing

When you find out your child is missing, the pain is unbearable. You feel like someone sliced out your heart, shredded it, and sewed you back up. You don't think you'll ever stop crying. Your anger at the person who did this is overwhelming. You remember not letting your daughter have a toy she wanted so badly, and wish you had just given it to her. You feel helpless, and though you'll never admit it, hopeless.

If you want your child back, you will have to let go of the pain. You hold the keys to bringing your child back home, and if you are crippled with grief you cannot act. When my daughter was abducted at age 3, I learned quickly to focus on finding her and lock away my pain. Every night I cried myself to sleep, but all day I was a child-finding machine.

There is a lot you can do to find your child. These tips come from my own experience and extensive research. Here are the first things you can do when you discover your child is missing:

Contact the police.

It is very important to make this report and to let law enforcement help you as much as they can.

Call the Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

This organization can be helpful. Contact them quickly, and ask about any missing child organizations in your community. There are many community based organizations that can help you.

If you know who abducted your child use these tips:

Write down everything you know about the kidnapper.

Your list should include all of the following: Full name, all aliases and nicknames, phone numbers, address, all previous addresses, Social Security Number, employer, previous employers, and all you know about what vehicles he owns or drives. Also write down everything you know about each of his family members and friends. Write down his hobbies, personality quirks, and anything he said about places he wants to visit. Don't forget to include any church or professional affiliations.

Contact his family and friends.

Call or visit every one of his family members and friends. Just let them know that your child has been taken, and ask that they please call you or law enforcement if they see him. Stay calm, and don't engage in argument. You want them to answer the phone when you call them back. Every few days you should call each family member and friend. Be friendly and just tell them you are checking in with them to see if they have heard from Mr. Kidnapper. (With everything I did, this was the one that found my daughter).

Keep trying to contact the kidnapper.

If you have a phone number for the kidnapper, call often. If he answers, don't freak out. Record the conversation if you can. Be calm and try to get whatever information you can from him. When the call ends, write down everything he said. Be aware that a kidnapper will lie, so don't believe everything he says. Even so, he may have said something that can help you find your child.

If you do not know who abducted your child, use these tips:

Make a list.

First write down the names of every person who has contact with your child. Include your child's friends and their parents. Include all family members, neighbors, school-teachers, Sunday school teachers, church leaders, anyone working in or around your home, the mail-man your child says "hi" to each day, the crazy cat lady who lets your son play with her cats, coaches, and anyone who has even the most remote contact with your child. It is very likely that your child was taken by someone on that list.

Make a timeline.

Write down a timeline of your child's day. Include everything, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. Then start working backwards to make a timeline for the past week and then month. Record what your child said about the bullies at school, how he has been stopping to chat with neighbor Bob on the way home from school. Try to remember any unusual events. Also try to remember his moods. Has he been coming home from school really grumpy every Thursday? Has she been avoiding any topics of conversation lately?

Cooperate with the police.

Answer whatever questions they ask. In most cases, the police must first rule out the parents. Don't scream at the officer to go find your child. The police need to know you are not involved so they can move on. Be honest. Your secrets will come out and better sooner than later. The time the police would have to spend on finding out what you are lying about takes away time that could be used to find your child.

If you know who abducted your child it will be much easier to start your own investigation and begin searching. If you don't know who kidnapped your child you will have to work much harder to investigate. It is still worth it to try.