What to Do when Your Child Says "I Hate You!"

"I hate you!" Every parent, once their child reaches a certain age, will probably hear this saying at some point. Although my younger children haven't uttered the phrase yet, my oldest child has said it to me on multiple occasions. And, even though I know he doesn't mean it, it hurts. At first, even though I knew I would hear it as some point as a parent, I did not know how to respond and was shocked by his words. My son was upset that we could not go to the park in the pouring rain. After saying "no," he angrily told me those three little words.

What's a parent to do when their child utters the dreaded "I hate you?" How should you respond?

Establish Limits
Before "I hate you" has a chance to rear its ugly head, parents should establish firm boundaries for acceptable behavior and discipline. I thought my husband and I had set pretty clear rules, but I realized that on words, we had been lacking. While worried about curse words and doing our best to prevent our children hearing them, we had forgotten about other words that need to have rules. Hate is now a word that is taken with caution. My children know it is very strong and should not be used against one another or mom and dad!

Don't Take it Personal
It is easy to get caught up in the moment and emotionally respond to those three little words. One reaction can be laughter; all of us knew we'd hear it at some point! Laughing may relieve tension at first, but it's a sure way to keep your child saying it. Another reaction is anger and hurt feelings. It is important to remember that your child does not really feel this way. They are expressing their feelings about a current situation, such as your refusal to buy a new toy, and do not hate you. One of the best responses? A cool "I know you are very angry, we will talk when you are calm," said with little emotion.

Talk About It
After the event takes place and your child has a chance to calm down, talk about it. Explain how those words are unacceptable, and if this is the first time or it hasn't been discussed before, lay out the rules. Then, let your child explain their feelings and why they felt the need to say it. After the park incident, my son explained that he was mad he was stuck at home being bored because it was raining. I told him that while I understood him being upset it was raining, it was not acceptable to use those words and getting mad only prevented him from finding something else fun to do.

Have I been saved from ever hearing "I hate you" again? Unfortunately no, but I believe my children and I will continue to maintain a strong relationship with good communication. Even if they sometimes hate me!

Sources
Kids Health, Disciplining Your Child
CNN.com, Health "The 6 Most Annoying Things Kids Say -- and the best ways to respond."

More From Maggie:
What Should You Do If You Do Not Like Your Elementary-Aged Child's Friends?
Should You Discipline Other People's Children?
You've Made a Bad Parenting Choice: Why You Should Apologize to Your Kids