What to Do when Children Lie

Lying is a behavior that all children demonstrate at some point during their development. It is a part of our human nature to want to cover up our wrongdoings, justify our mishaps and project blame on others. Many parents struggle with how to respond when faced with a child who is caught in a lie. They are left trying to make sense of their desire to believe their child, the ambiguity of facts, and determining the right consequence. This article will give you insights as to why children lie, how to approach them when you suspect a misdeed, how to follow up with appropriate discipline and how to nip lying in the bud when they are young.

Why children lie. There are a whole host of reasons why children lie. Many lie because they want to avoid consequences. Some children (particularly children who are focused on adult approval) lie because they have a great deal invested in preserving the high opinion that others have of them. Some children lie for attention, revenge or jealousy. Some report what they feel rather than what actually happened but present it as truth. Some children have vivid imaginations and intermingle fact with fiction in such a way that they no longer know where the truth begins and the lie ends. If you notice a certain set of circumstances when lying occurs, it can give you a window into the reason behind the lying and help you get to the bottom of it. If your child demonstrates compulsive lying, coupled with other behavioral issues, professional assistance should be sought.

What to do if you suspect. If you suspect your child has done something wrong, and there is a cover up underway, do not ask him directly if he did it. You will just be backing him into a corner and setting him up to lie to you. Take some time before you jump into addressing the situation. Listen attentively to the information he presents but say nothing and walk away. Check your facts, your gut reaction and do some digging to find out as much as you can before you approach the child. Once you have your facts and suspicions, take your child to a private place. Let him know that you have some information about situation X that is different from what he has told you (this could be factual information or historical information based on similar situations in the past). Talk about the importance of trust and how lying reduces the amount of trust you will have in him in the future. You can use the example of a scale to explain that every time a lie is told, the mistrust side of the scale gets heavier and heavier resulting in less freedom and less privileges. Confessions of wrongdoings, even after there has been an attempted cover-up, weigh in on the side of building trust. Tell him that you are going to give him some time to think it over by himself to determine if there is anything that he would like to tell you. Remind him that consequences are always smaller when wrongs are confessed. Ask him how much time he needs and return after that period of time.

How to respond. At this point in the interchange your child has two choices: continue with the lie or tell the truth. If your child tells the truth, acknowledge how hard that was and that you are pleased that he made the right choice given the circumstances. Re-emphasize that consequences are always less for children who admit when they were wrong. A logical consequence will need to follow and will depend upon the misbehavior that occurred. Making amends in some way to the offended party is always a good place to start. You can quietly tell him that he has added to the trust side of the scale. A consequence for the lie is not necessary.

However, if your child continues to claim innocence, you will need to take action. Self-doubt will likely creep in and you may start to distrust your own instincts as a parent. Trust your instincts and what you know to be true of the situation and your child. Avoid getting involved in a debate over the details. It is less damaging to give a child a consequence for something he didn't do than to let him think that his deception succeeded. By doing nothing, you will inadvertently reinforce the lying behavior and make it that much harder to eradicate in the future. A consequence for the misbehavior and the lying is appropriate at this point. Sadly remind him that these situations make it harder to trust his word in the future.

Nip lying in the bud. When children are very young (3-5 years old) fantasy is a large part of their world. They love to read, hear and tell stories and fantasy play is an enriching part of childhood. However, some children have a hard time knowing the limits of their story telling. Many adults play along and inadvertently encourage this practice. If your child starts off telling something that is true and then begins to embellish, don't encourage it. When she pauses, simply make a comment like: "Wow! This is turning into a great story! Wouldn't it be neat if something like that really did happen? I want to hear the story both ways - what really happened and your 'story version'. Let me know which is which." This way you validate her experience and help her draw that line of clarity between the truth and her "enhanced" version. Make it a regular practice to help your children distinguish between what they wish and what really happened. When reading stories together, point out the difference between things that could really happen and things that are from the author's imagination. Encourage creativity and imagination but help them understand the limits and boundaries of such things.If you are a parent, it is inevitable that you will find your child caught in a lie. Handling it calmly, with corrective messages and appropriate consequences can help reduce the frequency and duration for many children.