What Constitutes Cheating? An AC Experiment on Sex, Men and Women

It seems to me that there is a serious lack of communication between the sexes when it comes down to-uh, sex. People will talk about politics, religion and other incendiary issues openly and honestly, but when it comes to sex and their personal attitudes toward sex, they clam up. No one wants to be judged. Everyone wants to judge someone else. Let's get rid of the on-trial aspect and talk to each other, men and women, in blessed anonymity. This is an experiment: in order for it to work, there must be no factors that inhibit us. If you respond to this, simply sign yourself as "male" or "female". Maybe this way we can get some useful insight into each others' views about sex and open the lines of communication a bit.

Over the years of talking to both sexes, I found that there are some fundamental differences in opinion between men and women as to what constitutes "cheating". **These are personal observations. I make NO sweeping generalizations--ever. These observations rather make up the majority of what I have observed, not the exceptions.

1. Women I've talked to..

-Are more upset if their man has feelings toward another woman than if he'd gone to a prostitute.

-Tend to think of "cheating" as any emotional involvement with another woman, whether it involves sex or not.

-Tend to place blame on the other woman for their man's infidelity, instead of their man.

2. Men I've talked to..

-Are more upset if their woman has had sex with another man than if she has feelings for, but no sex with, another man.

-Tend to think of "cheating" as the act of penetration only, not including other sexual acts such as fellatio or masturbation with someone other than their woman.

-Tend to place blame on their woman for her infidelity, not the other man.

Now, tell me: which is it?

You'll note the different priorities each has about sex in general. With the women I observed, it's more of the emotional involvement of the act of sex that concerns them and threatens their security; with the men, it's the physical aspect of other men laying hands on their women that threatens them.What I've concluded from these observations is this: the women I talked to worried about their man falling for another. Also they placed little or no trust in fellow members of their sex, including their own friends. The men I talked to weren't worried about their women not loving them any more as much as they worried about their women having sex with other men; theirs was more of a territorial issue. Trust in their male friends didn't seem to be affected much.

Now, for your consideration, the following scenarios:

A. A couple has been married for 10 years and has 2 children. The wife has a lot on her plate and is usually too tired and stressed out to want sex.The man has a lot on his plate and wants more sex as a "de-stresser" but is aware that his wife doesn't feel the same way. The man goes to a massage parlor and gets the "Happy Ending" (paying extra money for the female attendant to bring the client to sexual climax with her hand). He didn't know the woman and will never see her again; he paid her as a professional for her service. He sees no point in telling his wife, whom he loves; it was just a business transaction, and she'd get her feelings hurt over something that meant nothing to him.Cheating or not cheating? Why do you think so?

B. A wife of 6 years meets a man in an internet chat room.Over time she and the man exchange some pretty personal conversations about sex and are having a major flirtation via the internet. The wife does not share this pen pal's correspondence with her husband; she has no intention of ever meeting this other man. He flirts and pays more attention to her than her husband does and a girl needs that every once in awhile.She loves her husband and she's not having sex with this other man, just flirting. Cheating or not cheating? Why do you think so?

Your Instructions for the experiment:

You'll notice that these very common situations have no black-or-white answers. Please take a minute to log out and post your honest comments about them. Sign yourself only as "female" or "male" if you want...whatever it takes to get some bluntly truthful answers from both sexes without fear of backlash or harsh judgment.

It's the first step toward better relations among men and women, I think...certainly preferable to going on as we have, thinking that men and women are from two different planets. I think women and men are two very different yet very complementary entities that are supposed to fit together to make a stronger whole out of their two halves.

The trick is to find out what those differences are and work with them instead of trying to make both sexes feel the same way. Let's start with one of the biggest differences: our feelings toward sex.