What to Do for Your Deeply Discouraged Child

Sometimes children get very disappointed and they feel that nothing they do is right. At this point they begin to behave in ways that tend to provoke parents into scolding or becoming angry at them. This only drives the children into deeper despair and they may rebel and push back in anger. Once the children's anger is mobilized, however, they often feel better and the issue is over.

For other children it is different though. They don't respond in anger but instead withdraw into a passive retreat. They just want to be left alone, with no demands placed upon them.

This passive despair can be catching. Parents may try everything to get their child out of it. Nothing seems to work and soon the parents are feeling their own despair.

Discouraged children are often trying to communicate the following message to their parents: "I feel hopeless and helpless, and I just want somebody to take over for a while." But when children feel unable to get this message across in words, they resort to passive, withdrawn behavior as an alternative.

In order to help such children, you need to encourage them to complain, to put their feelings into words. This may sound surprising, since most parents try to stop their children from complaining. In the case of a seriously discouraged child, however, complaining serves a vital purpose by releasing the emotional tension that causes the withdrawn behavior. A little healthy complaining can be a very useful thing, especially when it releases pent up frustration.

Frustration and discouragement are quite normal and unavoidable, but unexpressed frustration and discouragement can easily lead to despair and, eventually, to resignation. By stimulating your children to complain, you help them ventilate - that is, to express - their pent up frustrations. You can do this by asking them to tell you about their day or their situation or their problems. Try drawing out their feelings when they appear upset or discouraged. You can model the desired behavior by expressing your own indignation, saying something like, "Boy, you must feel angry (frustrated, confused, mixed up, unhappy, resentful) about that."

In addition to getting your discouraged children to ventilate, it is very important that you touch them in an affectionate and reassuring way; even they initially seem to want to be walking alone. This touch should be done without a pep talk. When someone is deeply discouraged, a pep talk can feel like a demand to cheer up or an indirect for of criticism. Touch, however, has a way of providing reassurance that goes beyond words. When someone touches us in a gentle, reassuring way, we feel no pressure to respond with words. We are free to receive this nurture without having to do anything or say anything, unless we want to.