What is Defensiveness? An Opportunity to Explore and Understand Together

Are you a defensive personality? "No! Ofcourse I'm not." Okay, read on please.

Yes, we can all laugh at that. It may even have a sarcastically humorous undertone.

So let's take a moment, however, and explore this idea of being defensive. What does it mean? How does it feel? How can it make others feel? Why does it happen, seemingly without a great deal of intent or thought? Interesting questions, don't you think? Where will the investigation lead? As we explore together, please note that there are additional resources at your disposal by clicking on the highlighted links throughout this article.

Okay, so looking up the definition of defensiveness, loosely says "the attitude of defense; excessive sensitivity." Well alright, that makes sense.

Now, how does it feel? What is a defensive person experiencing or feeling? Generally speaking, s/he may be trying to protect him/herself from feeling rejected or hurt and not wanting to hear what another may have to say (making an assumption it is criticism or worse). Understanding what is behind your need to defend yourself can be a great first step from the automatic feeling to resist the input or expressions of others. Sometimes it is a reaction we use to ward off what we perceive to be a possible attack (regardless if validated or not).

Exploring a bit further and quoting Jim Tamm, author of Radical Collaboration; he states the following on where defensiveness comes from:

"Defensiveness is your body's way of keeping you comfortable. It blocks bad feelings--though it doesn't make them go away. In fact, the only way to make those feelings and defenses go away is to let them wash over you. Don't respond right away; just feel. Then move on--before you say something sarcastic, point a finger, or whine "poor me."

Defense mechanisms are part of your personal history. From childhood on, they emerge as you learn to cope--for better or for worse--with stress. And when the going gets really tough, they take on a life of their own--becoming a suit of armor to "protect" you."

Great; now we're starting get a better understanding of what a person is experiencing when s/he becomes defensive. It seems to be making a bit more sense now.

Our next step is to find out how others may feel in retrospect. In light of shared writings from and to Neil Rosenthal, we may discover that individuals unfortunately may respond with the same, feeling no way around to clear communication -defensive, which inevitably offers no clarity, gain, understanding, or support and leaves you both feeling unheard, unappreciated, powerless and hurt. Obviously, both parties want to feel loved, appreciated, heard and respected. So we are discovering the importance of working within ourselves and with each other to provide the same experience in the fulfillment of these goals and needs.

Let's pause a moment and observe a little scenario. This may be what some would call a minor infraction or display of defensiveness. However, we are not here to measure or judge the event, just observe and review other possibilities.

Scenario:

Two individuals are out to dinner. They are joking and enjoying the atmosphere. Both are dressed casually and both are wearing glasses. Upon the waitress leaving after delivering their meals, the conversation goes like this:

Person 1: "Is it good?" (Pointing and referring to the other ones meal.)

Person 2: "Uh-huh, though the beef is a little tough."

Person 1: "Huh. Do you think it is just over cooked?"

Person 2: (Just gives an "I don't know" expression and shrugging of the shoulders while chewing another bite of food.)

Person 1: (Removing the glasses off the face with a little squint and taking another bite of food, continues with-) "Does it bother you to eat with your glasses on?"

Person 2: (With a slight shrugging of the shoulders and a puzzled expression, states -) "Ah, no not really. Why?"

Person 1: "Oh. Well because I wondered how it was for you... because it bothers me to eat with them on."

Person 2: (With a wrinkled nose expression that tends to mean, "how odd -whatever") "What do you mean?"

Person 1: (Motioning hands to encircle the plate of food in front) "Well, it makes it hard for me to see my food; what I'm eating; it's all blurry." (Then squints eyes at the end of the sentence and reaches for another bite of food.)

Person 2: (Straightens posture and throws arms up in the air, using a tone of voice then generally implies, "stupid -don't demean, judge or insult me that way; back off") "Well, no -and what d'ya expect, I been wearing glasses since I was in third grade?!"

Person 1: (Halts any movement, pauses looking at person 2 with a blank stare -resists the urge to respond, shrugs shoulders and keeps focused on eating.)

As we observe this exchange, what did you see transpire here, particularly towards the end of this scenario? Did you see how we, as humans, tend to take into the act of communication all aspects; expressions, posture, tone of voice and the words spoken? We may even be thinking that we also pay attention to how that combination makes us feel or similar situations, to define how we should respond.

This is true. Even reviewing this little scenario, we might be able to say, "Oh, person one was not attacking, judging or insulting -it was only an inquiry to see if they were the only one to have the present experience." The question seems harmless enough. Ofcourse, another perspective could be, "well, in the attempt to communicate in way that would be less likely to feel threatening could have been to express how person 1 was feeling about the glasses & the experience, then ask the question of person 2." This is true too.

The question or observation then remains that if the ladder statement were made first, would person 2 still feel internally defensive? Our challenge today is for us to learn together how to move from automatic defensive responses to being able to pause, clear our internal dialogue and "hear" what a person is actually saying. We are working together to move from a moment of trying to feel empowered to getting the chance to feel heard, loved and valued and resisting the urge to feel you have to be or know you're right, as long as you are angry and resentful.

Another step is being able to handle criticism better. In other words, choosing how to respond to actual critiquing and criticism and recognizing when it is applicable to you or your circumstance and handling it in a more calm and patient manner (including how you are feeling inside, so you can respond in the same fashion outwardly and with honesty.)

Next, it is to apply what we are learning together. Knowing that our desire to be loved, valued and heard is a genuine goal that we deserve to experience; the same applies to those around us. We wouldn't want anything less for those we care about either. Therefore, it is our efforts that matter in being heard better; communicating with each other more effectively. It is taking one step at a time, one event at a time and one day at a time. We can do this.

For a full view of helpful articles and specifically dealing with defensiveness and communication, see Neil Rosenthal's Heart Relationship articles and discover a more fulfilled you and relationships.

Blessings on your life journey!