What Do You Do If Your Partner Works Too Much?

'I feel your pain' is not all that comforting, but it is the best I have to say to anyone enmeshed in a relationship with a workaholic. Relationships take work, and the best relationships are well worth the effort they require. What do you do, though, when your ideal mate is not a workaholic - but the one you love is?

Communicate:

No matter what the relationship problem, and even when your relationship is going well, communication is extremely important. Is your partner aware of how much they are working, the way that this makes you feel, and the ways that this is affecting your relationship? If you do not voice your concerns, they will never know.

Do you your best to express your concerns in a polite, respectful manner without yelling, nagging or insulting. It will be easier for your partner to hear your message if he/she does not feel that he/she is under attack.

Also, make sure you listen to your partner's responses. Perhaps there is something in their reasoning that will make the situation more acceptable to you - for example, they may be saving up for that cruise you have always wanted to take, or this may be a temporary push to ensure a promotion with better hours. Or, they may have gotten the idea that they should work so much from you. Whatever the reasoning, communication goes both ways. You need to listen and accept your partner.

Create a Distraction:

Distracting yourself can make you a lot more comfortable with your partner's time away. Try joining a book club or volunteering with a local organization. Get a part-time job with hours similar to those your partner keeps, or find a hobby to fill the hours.

Visiting friends or relatives can be a great use of your free time. You can also catch up with out-of-town family by phone, or write some letters. It's always a pleasant surprise to get mail that is not junk mail or bills!

Remember that your partner's workaholic tendencies may not be an effort to avoid you. Both partners need to have interests beyond each other, such as hobbies. You need time for you, and having a workaholic partner lets you have your "you time", so use it!

Be Realistic:

Be realistic with yourself and your partner about what their workaholic ways mean to you. Do not feel obligated to keep your mouth shut and not complain - problems that are ignored tend to get bigger, not better. Also, be realistic in your view of the situation. If your partner has mandatory overtime, for example, he/she is not trying to avoid you.

Finally, be realistic in respect to the situation. If things are getting worse, not better, perhaps you need to re-communicate. Maybe you and your partner did not understand each other the first time around. Is the situation controllable, or beyond your partner's control? Are things improving, but not as quickly as you had hoped, or is it a 'one step forward, two steps back' situation? Do not blow things out of proportion because that will only make the situation more difficult for everyone.

Consider Help:

You are miserable; your partner is miserable. Problems that go unsolved often fester and grow worse. For example, your frustration at your partner's work habits may make you irritable. You may snap at your partner when he/she has done nothing wrong, or jump to conclusions at small things. There is no point in being together just to make each other miserable, but being unhappy is something that can be changed.

If you are not comfortable with counseling, try to find someone to talk to together. It does not help for you to vent to your friends (except to make you feel better for the moment) and it can make your partner feel bitter or judged. Perhaps you could talk to a member of your church or a mutual friend - someone that you both trust to have good judgment and to provide an unbiased opinion. It may help to have an outside, objective view, as neither person involved in a problem can be truly objective about it.

Every relationship has problems, and ultimately it comes down to how much you want to be together, whether the good outweighs the bad, and whether you can work through your problems together. Whether your problem is a partner who works too much, or some other issue, you need to communicate and work together to make the decisions that are best for you and your relationship.