What to Do When You Do Not Like Your Child’s Friends?

Finding friends is tough, but your youngster seems to look in all the wrong places. The child's friends are too loud or too quiet, too needy or too aloof. In short, you really do not like the childhood friends your kid picks. What's a mom to do? Do you put down your foot and do not welcome the youngsters into your home? Do you turn manipulative and try to maneuver the child out of your kid's inner circle? Actually, there is usually no need to resort to Machiavellian methods of cunning and manipulation.

Are you judgmental or observant?

You child's friends dress differently, pray to a different god or struggle in school. Does this make them unsuitable childhood friends for your youngster? If you agree, you might be prejudiced rather than observant. Instead, focus on the kids' choices and look for expressions of character. Sure, they may be totally different from you and your family, but this does not mean that they are different in a bad way; they're just different. Be careful to take stock of your own attitudes and make sure that they are rooted in facts and not unfounded opinions.

Remember the tale of the forbidden fruit!

Just like God's telling Adam and Eve to munch from all the trees - except one - sent them in a beeline for that one tree with the forbidden fruit, so you, too, can cement your child's stubborn desire to be friends with someone who might not be a good candidate for BFF. Sure, if the other child is involved in things you know to be illegal or harmful, you must put down the parental foot. If it is more a matter of attitude, open your home to your child's friends so that you can observe the undesired friendship up close.

Mitigate the possibility of a bad influence

Get to know your youngster's childhood friends. Get to know the parents, too! Go to school functions, extracurricular activities and birthday parties. Do not be one of the parents who "drop and dash." You know, these are the moms who drop off the kids at the curb and come back when the event is over. Be involved! Know how your child goes about finding friends, encourage friendships you approve of and recognize warning signs of friendships that may become bad influences now - or down the line.

Open channels of communication with your child

Have your facts straight! Little Sue calls the house after the 9 p.m. phone call cut-off time; she shoes up uninvited and makes demands. She disrespects your child's other friends and throws a tantrum when she loses a game. Ask your child if she agrees with this assessment. If the youngster agrees - after all, you are using facts - ask her how she feels when Little Sue acts like this. At this juncture, you may be surprised to learn that your child really does not like to be Little Sue's friend, but does not know how to end the friendship - a skill we do not usually teach our kids when discussing how to go about finding friends.

Conversely, your child might be blind to Little Sue's faults and foibles. Accept her point of view and just leave the statements open-ended. You can bet that your child will now pay closer attention to Little Sue the next time she comes over. A few weeks later - armed with new facts - revisit the conversation.

Keep kids busy

If Machiavellian measures are called for, go after the child's friends decisively. Privately meet with your child's teacher, discuss your concerns and request that your youngster is no longer paired up with Little Sue. Find irresistible extracurricular activities that will greatly curtail your child's availability to the friend - or friends - you do not like. In fact, engaging in a new activity might actually help with finding friends who are more to your liking!

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