What Your Dog Would Tell You If He Could

Some people are naturally pet people. Others have to be taught. Even if you think you know everything there is to know about dogs, you probably don't. Here are a few things your dog would tell you if he could.

1. I really am speaking to you. You just don't speak the same language. Learn to read the body language and sounds as it's doubtful I'll ever master the English language. If I do, call America's Funniest Videos, then plan for your retirement.

Dogs are going to do things that you will get mad at. My friend Snowball, ate all but the "A" of a glitter Aerosmith t-shirt of his roommate. The human was pretty mad. The truth is, it was a shiny object, and he couldn't help himself. So we'll do things that will rile you up. It's what we do. The truth is, we they do the offending behavior, it "seems" like a good idea at the time. So, try to take the temptation out of the way. Just as you baby-proof a house, doggie-proof your house.

2. If I'm a puppy remember that like a baby, I can't be body-function trained until the muscles are there. Generally I'm six to nine months old before I have bladder or bowel control. Until then, I'll try my best. Take me out as much as you can, but set up special spots for me when you're gone. Again, I'll try my best. I want to please you. Really, I do.

3. Don't give me those little rubber shoes or those stuffed animals and then expect me to know the difference between my toy and real shoes or stuffed animals. I'm a baby, for crying out loud. They look the same. They taste the same. I can't get in your head, so how will I know the difference?

4. You can be angry at the behavior; that's natural, but the object is to curb the errant behavior. Keep that in mind. Most importantly remember that if you confine me as a punishment or give me the silent treatment---which you'll want to do---you are my WHOLE world. You go to work, and you have friends. You have outside interests. I have you. That's it. So if you are angry, then leave, that's what your I will remember.

5. I like a nice bath. I may not show it. In fact, I may do everything I can to get out of the way if I sense you are going to put water on me. Ignore my initial protests. My skin is rarely sleek and silky like you see on those great ads on TV. Even if you brush me often, and you should because I love it, my skin gets dry or scaly, and even itchy. When I go outside, I LOVE to roll in things, and often the stuff sticks long after I've come back inside.

Think about why you love a bath. I may not like to loll about in the tub, but I like the feeling of the special shampoo that will make my skin smooth and soft again. My friend Trusty has perpetual dandruff. A nice oatmeal-based shampoo is just the thing to perk his fur up. His brother Max is a Shar-pei, and those wrinkles equal sensitive skin, so a special shampoo is in order. If you pay any attention to me at all, you'll know what I need. If not, as someone at the pet store or at the vet's office.

6. Vitamins are a good thing for me, too. In theory, humans can get all of their nutrients by eating well-balanced meals. My food should do the same. Still, I may need a little more of one thing and less of another. A daily vitamin will boost my energy levels and keep me running by your side with ease. Look at something that includes the B vitamins.

7. Like many humans, I can't walk away from an open buffet, so don't feed me everything and anything just because I look like I want it. I don't want to be on one of those TV talk shows having to be escorted in a wheelchair because I'm too chubby to walk. I'll give you the sad eye when you fill my bowl up with nutritionally-balanced kibble, but we both know that though I may want what you're eating, I really, really shouldn't have it on a regular basis. While I'm at it, you don't need that extra chocolate chip cookie either. I love you, so it's my duty to say something. I want the same from you.

Oh, and the chocolate is a big no. Some of us can tolerate it, but for the most part a chemical in chocolate can have serious effects on us or even kill us. If you hear Miss Suzie down the street tell you that she's been giving her Fifi chocolate as a treat once a week, wish her well, but don't feel guilty because you choose not to. I may have a latent condition such as epilepsy that will be exacerbated by chocolate. If I've never had it, I won't know what I'm missing, right? A good bone for my teeth will taste just as good to me.

8 . Along the same lines, get some books about my particular breed. I would do the same for you...if I could read. We're not all the same, you know. The more you know about me, the better we'll get along.

9. Remember I get old at a faster rate than you do. I will be slow. I will have accidents. Think of how you will want your relatives to treat you when you age. Do you want to hear: "What's wrong with you?" or "Hurry up!" I want to please you, but my body may not be willing. Remember, it will happen to you, too. And who do you think would sit patiently by your side all day and all night, if need be? Your dog.

10. Know that I will grow up. You may have found me when I was tiny, when my fur was fluffy, my nose was warm and tiny, and you could hold me with one hand. Please don't act disappointed when that changes...and it will. You'll get a few crow's feet and maybe even a pendulous belly. I'll love you just the same.