What Your Elderly Parent Really Needs from You

My experience with care giving and the elderly is that often times the emotional needs of their loved ones are missed. In a nursing home, there is not enough staff. At home, often the family is over worked and stressed. They are barely coping with the strain of it all. Many times they do not realize how their mom or Dad is feeling with the loss of their independence and rights. This article I hope helps family members to see a side of the situation they are missing.

Feeling Important:

Your mother or father took care of you for years. Now in their advanced age and health condition, they need to be taken care of. They cannot walk well, talk well, their memory is fading, they may be in a wheel chair or bedridden. They cannot do much for you or for themselves so they feel useless. They often feel they have really nothing to live for and are just taking up time and space. They often have no say in their life, even when to take a shower. They are treated like children and talked down to. I have watched while spouses and children talked in front of the patient as if they could not understand or hear. Most often they do understand or understand enough for these comments to hurt. It causes them great pain and emotional distress.

Find ways to make your parents feel important. Ask their advice, even if you don't want it or doesn't make sense. It's the idea you are considering their opinion and their view. It's for them not you.

Give them tasks in the family that they are capable of doing such as helping with cooking or dishes, watching the kids, be creative.

Give important consideration to the way they want the house, and how they want to live. I have seen kids go in and redo a house they way they like it, completely ignoring the feelings of their parents. In some cases it is necessary such as to remove rugs they might trip on, or put grab bars in the bathroom but often it is changed to match the view of the children. I took care of one man where the daughter took over the house. All was fixed to her view with no consideration of how her father felt. It is still their house and their life. Children need to remember that.

It is your role to make life easier but not to take over their life completely. Again in some cases, as they get worse, you do have to take over every little detail but while they are able, give them the right and choices. Talk to them in the tone of being respected and revered not being condescending. Many cultures such as the Asians, the Hispanics, and the Indians view their parents with respect and dignity giving them importance for their role in the family. Those of us not from this culture need to copy the way they deal with their aging parents.

Listen to their requests. They may seem unimportant to you but are very serious to your parents. When you have little joy in life left, those small joys are important. It may be using a special plate, or wearing a certain blouse, or going to church, or a particular TV program. Requests may be a special way to prepare their food, where they want things kept in the house, or how their day is scheduled. Try to accommodate them if possible within your schedule.

The Need to Be Touched;

Often in nursing homes, your loved one suffering from disease or bad health may not smell good. I know all too well the smell of people dying of cancer. You must overcome that, to give them what they need which is to be touched. It is as important as food to many of them. They get little of it from the nursing staff. Hug them, stroke their hand, and lay your hand on their head with love.

The Need for Company;

All too many times in nursing homes or even in their own home, people stop visiting. Often it is because friends are uncomfortable during the visit because the patient cannot communicate well, can't remember much, and doesn't smell good. The atmosphere on the bottom floor called skilled nursing is pretty grim. People are dying and crying out and suffering. A lot of people cannot handle it. You need to get past your own feelings to give them what they need- your time. You need to put their needs first.

There are people in skilled nursing who never have visitors including family that could visit more often. It is neither fun, nor easy but you have to do it anyway. Remember, someday you will be old and not smell well. How would you want to be treated? If you're friends of that person, visit as often as possible. It is the highlight of their grim existence. Bring them flowers from your garden, bring the church program, or a magazine. Wheel them out on the patio for a few minutes of sunshine, share with them your news about their community or just have a laugh. If they don't understand it all, it's OK, for you are there and it makes them feel loved. If they are dying, give them comfort, bring them a treat, stroke their hand, let them talk about their fears, and last wishes.

The Need to Still Feel In control:

Try to guide your parents in their decisions as you can. Give them a say in as many of the decisions as possible. Consult them gently while trying to show them the way. It's hard for them to admit their need for help, their need for physical help, their need to have help in managing all the details of their life that once was not a problem. Don't take over the house, unless it is necessary. Let them keep their house as they enjoy it even if it is a little cluttered. It is still their house and their life. Accommodate them on how they like things done, where they want things placed, and the schedule of activities

The Need for Independence:

Let them struggle a little. Allow them to do things, even if it is difficult and takes them longer. Allow them to do all they can do while they are able. Do not rush in to tie their shoes or help them get up from the chair. They need to do it, if they can. That is a hard one for families and care givers as well.