What Every Parent Ought to Know About Possessive Behavior and Sharing in the Toddler

Early on the toddler learns the concepts of possession and sharing, and exhibits both behaviors.

It is not possible to teach a toddler sharing without also teaching the concepts of ownership and possession, or engaging in, possessive behavior. At its very core the idea of sharing implies ownership. A toddler on some level, understands this, even if we as parents are a little slow to reach this conclusion.

Avoiding the Dreaded Possessive Behavior and the Word "Mine"

One word you will not here in our household is "mine." Yet, it seems that no matter how hard parents may try to teach sharing, we also inadvertently teach the concept of possession. Sharing and possession are are intricately linked.

There are certain items in a house that toddlers should not play with, for safety reasons. Parents will not share these items. There are many more items they will also not be able to touch because they are expensive or breakable, or they simply belong to someone else, like a sibling. Again, these are items that the toddler will learn are not for sharing.

When our toddler takes something or attempts to take something that does belong to him, we do not say, "No, it's mine." Instead we try to be specific with him. If he tries to reach for mommy's laptop he is told, "No, that's mama's."

Or, when his little hands try to get the remote control, he hears. "That's dada's."

We even gave him an old cell phone and told him it was "Alex's."

He understands that these items belong to someone else, and that they are not for sharing.

We use the same technique when he tries to grab for an item that belongs to his brother or sister.

The result so far is that he has not even hear the word "mine." This may change as he and the other children in his play group age and develop their language skills. For now, he understands that certain items belong to certain family members. He also knows which items are his.

We have also taught him which items can be shared. We share toys, books, blankets, chairs, and many other household items.

He will usually bring us an item and make a questioning sound and gesture, inquiring about it. If it is something he can safely play with, and is an item that can be shared, he will hear, "yes, that's okay," or "Alex, you can play with that" or "Yes, we can share that."

Possessive Behavior

In play group, there are many toys, yet as any parent knows, toddlers want what other toddlers have. Sharing is not foremost in the mind of the toddler. Even though he has never learned the word "mine" it still seems like the concept of "mine" exists in the growing toddler brain.

Combine an understanding of possession with a growing self-awareness, and it is inevitable that the toddler will start exhibiting possessive behavior. When a toddler wants an item, he does not want to share, he wants to possess it for himself.

Not only does the toddler not always want to share, they also have a very focused idea of possession and which objects they can claim.

A little girl sat in the chair that he was previously sitting in. He nudged her with his hand because he wanted "his" chair back, even though there were two other empty chairs at the table. He did not just want any chair, he wanted the chair that he perceived that he possessed. This is an early and interesting example of the phrase parents hear later, "I had it first."

Somehow, even at this early age, having something first gives a person a claim to possess and object.

The play group coordinator attempted to intervene by showing him the other chairs, and distracting him with some toys. She asked him to share with the girl. He was persistent in trying to nudge her out of the chair. He had it set in his head that somehow that was his chair.

Self-awareness and possessive behavior in the toddler appear to be interwoven. At the same time that the toddler may be learning ideas of possession and ownership, he or she is also developing a sense of self. With these two concepts developing simultaneously, a toddler's need to possess certain items develops, even when parents try to diminish possessive behavior in favor of sharing.

As parents we need to understand that we cannot truly teach sharing without also teaching the sometimes negative concepts of possession and ownership.