What to Expect When You Go into Marital Therapy

Marital conflict is inevitable. Some people are able to work through those conflicts more easily than others. When unresolved issues seem to be building upon themselves it becomes more and more difficult for the couple to find mutually acceptable solutions and the assistance of an unbiased professional may help.

From pre-marital counseling required by some religious denominations, to trying to reunite already separated couples who have been married for years, marital therapist can successfully help couples have happier, more fulfilling marriages. But, they are not magicians.

When you go into marital therapy what can you realistically expect to achieve and what will be expected of you?

Choose the right therapist
Whether you have gotten names from your insurance company, a recommendation from a friend, or just gone to the phonebook you need to meet the therapist and decide together if you will feel comfortable working with this person. Certainly you are looking for someone with education and experience but don't downplay rapport. School can only teach theory and technique. Good therapy requires that the therapist can engage you and help you believe that they understand your issues. In a marital situation you both have to feel comfortable with the therapist. Choosing the right person will make discussing the intimacies of marital conflict easier and you will be less likely to leave treatment abruptly.

Keep your children home
Couples often call me requesting family therapy when the marriage is in trouble. Marital issues should be resolved prior to beginning family therapy and children should never be included in marital therapy. The couple must be free to discuss things that their children need not know. Once the marriage is on firmer ground the family therapy can begin if it is indicated.

Repairing your marriage will require change from both spouses
Initially it is not at all unusual for a couple to enter therapy believing that only one person has a problem and needs to change. Ultimately it is just that rigidity that winds up being the basis for the conflict. A good therapist will help you learn to negotiate disagreements. They will help you to be more open to listening and hearing your spouse's thoughts and feelings and sharing yours. Therapists will not solve your problems. They will give you the tools to solve them yourselves.

Expect complete confidentiality
In my practice I find that couples wait too long before calling a therapist. Sometimes they have already separated. Usually the delay has been cause by the husband feeling that he doesn't wants to tell a stranger about his personal life and only relents when the wife actually asks for a divorce. Would you feel better with a male or a female therapist? Resolving that issue may get you into treatment sooner. Even if your friends are in treatment with this therapist you should expect complete confidentiality. The therapist will never discuss your treatment with anyone without your permission. Sometimes, if they are receiving supervision, they may discuss your treatment with a senior clinician. This can only be beneficial to you. You are getting two for the price of one. Agreeing to allow your case to be presented in supervision increases your clinician's skills and most likely your name will never be used.

Never become personally involved with your therapist
Therapists know it is totally inappropriate for them to become personally involved with their clients but unfortunately it does occur. A martial situation presents problems in this area because the clinician is seen as understanding and supportive while the spouse is not. Patients can easily become emotionally involved with their therapist. Keep in mind that you are only seeing this person as someone totally focused on you and that feels nice. Real life is never that way. A therapist who gets involved with a client can lose their license. If you decide to renew your vows you may ask them to the ceremony but private meetings for personal interests should never occur.

Be prepared to speak openly and honestly
During therapy it is often revealed that a spouse has agreed to come into therapy if certain issues are not discussed. Sometimes it's sex, sometimes money or sometimes something else. Planning to withhold information inhibits the treatment and almost assures that topic will become the center of conversation. But your therapist should never force you to discuss anything you are not comfortable discussing. The more candid everyone can be the more likely the success of the intervention. Usually, over time, no topic remains taboo.

Therapy will not make your spouse love you
People marry for a lot of different reasons. Love is not always one of them. One partner almost always loves more than the other. But sometimes one doesn't love at all and hopes to be able to eventually fall in love. No one likes to admit that. Therapy cannot create love in a loveless marriage. If that's what therapy reveals then the best thing a therapist can do is to help find a way to amicably end the relationship. A good therapist may need to help you face realities you don't want to face. It's an appropriate reason to go into therapy if you want to leave and your spouse cannot accept the end of the relationship. The therapist may help you to see things in a different light or help you and your spouse to negotiate your ending.

Agreeing to go into marital therapy means you are agreeing to make an effort to identify the problems and make changes in yourself to alleviate them. Your therapist will be your guide but the work will be yours to do. One person cannot save a marriage - it takes two. The sooner you go into therapy the easier it will be to change the way you relate to each other. It's always worth a try.