What to Do when You Have a Frenemy

Do you have a friend that you fight with often? Do you have a love-hate relationship with him/her? Have you had many falling-outs? Has he/she backstabbed, hurt, abandoned, or betrayed you? If so, you may have a frenemy.

All friends fight at one time or another. As with all type of personal relationships, it is bound to happen. Some fights are big, others are small. With normal friendships, the parties are able to move on and get over the fights. However, with frenemy relationships, the fights tend to occur more often and it is hard to get over them. Often times, the fights are severe and cause serious hurt feelings.

A frenemy is literally what it sounds like: a friend and an enemy at the same time. Frenemy relationships are one of love and hate. One minute, you love each other and the next, you hate each other. Most of the time, frenemies are truly friends. For whatever reason, however, they have a toxic relationship. To the public, frenemies can appear to be friends when in actuality, they are enemies. This occurs for several reasons, mostly psychological. The phrase "keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer" definitely applies in this situation. Other times, frenemies appear to be enemies but they are actually friends. This scenario usually occurs when one or more of the friends wants to keep the friendship secret for some sort of personal gain.

It is more common to see female frenemies than it is male. This is because females are naturally more covertly competitive. Females want to see their friends be successful. They want to support them. At the same time, they do not want to be outdone by their friends and they do not want their friend to be so successful that they will be left behind. Females are also more likely to put up with a love-hate relationship than males are. This is because women have a natural desire to "fix" relationships. This is especially true if they feel they have invested a lot of time and emotion into the relationship. In contrast, men do not put up with many complications in a relationship. They are more likely to end the friendship and move on than try and "fix" it.

So what do you do if you find yourself in a frenemy situation? First of all, ask yourself if the friendship is worth saving. Do you fight more often than not? Do you end up getting hurt often by your friend? Do you have trouble moving past some of the things he/she has done to you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, there is a good chance the relationship is not worth saving. If you are hesitant to end the relationship, ask yourself why. Also, who has more to gain from the relationship, you or your frenemy? In a normal friendship, it should be a give and take and both friends should benefit. However, if you are dealing with a frenemy, you may find that he/she has more to gain from the friendship than you.

However, you may feel your relationship is worth saving. If so, one of the best things you can do is talk to your friend. See if you can try and discover why there is a love-hate relationship going on and then work on making it better. In the meantime, here are a few tips for dealing with a frenemy:

1. Avoid conflict and be aware of what triggers conflict. If you know your friend is always in a bad mood when she works over, avoid her on those days.

2. Make sure your frenemy is not your only friend. You need other people close to you such as friends and family you can offer you support.

3. Do not contribute to your friends negative behavior. For example, if you get into a fight and she calls you a name, don't call her one back. The more appropriate thing would be to tell her that you are upset that she called you a name and end the conversation.

4. If you are adamant about saving the relationship, remember to focus on the good times. Don't let the bad drag you down.

5. Recognize what you have done wrong. If you have hurt your friend in some way, let him/her know how sorry you are. Also, be aware of what you may be doing wrong in the relationship. For example, when you get into a fight you always yell. You know your friend hates yelling. So, why continue to do something you know your friend doesn't like if you are wanting to save your friendship?

6. If all else fails, get out. No matter how much you've invested, its not worth saving the relationship if your frenemy is unwilling to be a true friend.