What to Do when a Friend Asks for Relationship Advice

I've always been one of those people that everyone turns to for advice. Ever since 5th grade when Amy Hafner asked me what to do about the note from Eric asking Amy to be his girlfriend. Except Eric already had a girlfriend---Amy's best friend Claudia. After I advised Amy to show Claudia the note ("she'll love you forever for being loyal to her, and all the other boys will like you because you're hard-to-get") I have been a Doctor Phil to my friends.

The phone rings in the middle of the night, and it's your best friend, in the midst of yet another relationship drama. After a few minutes of giving you the gory details, he or she pauses and asks the dreaded question, "what should I do???"

This is always a tough spot to be in. On the one hand, you want to be supportive and tell her to kick that jerk to the curb. On the other, you don't want her to hate you when that jerk sends two dozen roses attached to an engagement ring the very next day.

Therapists have it easy. They can just nod sympathetically and ask, "how did that make you feel?" You, however, do not have that luxury. You have a weeping friend on the other end of the line demanding your advice. And she's probably drunk from the bottle of wine you brought for the dinner party she and her then-boyfriend hosted last week.

So, you have to spring into action, and...do nothing. More accurately, say nothing. That's right, be quiet. Or if you can't be quiet, buy some time by saying something like, "wow", or "hmm". Chances are very, very good that your friend will start sniffling and talking again and you'll be off the hook.

Next. Ask questions. If she tells you that her boyfriend's commitment issues are the result of his being brought up by a domineering mother, ask, "what does he say about her?" If she tells you that she thought this guy was going to be The One, but then he never called her back, ask, "...how were you guys the last time you talked?" The point here is to give her the opportunity to dissect and analyze the relationship. Which is probably what she's been doing anyway. Except now she has someone to say these things aloud to.

Let her go on like this, for as long as you have the patience to hear someone discuss the thousand hidden meanings behind the phrase, "I'll call you". No matter how bored you are. No matter how much you want to bang the receiver to your head and scream, "for the love of God, he is never going to come back!" you must never, under any circumstances, respond, "well, I guess he didn't mean it when he said he'd call. Good night!" Be kind. You could be making the same phone call yourself a week, a month, a year from now.

The next step in the relationship advice action plan is to have your friend start thinking about Numero Uno (that would be her).

The guy who was going to be The One until he dumped her via email? Ask, "but is this really a good time in your life to meet Mr. Right? What about your plans to teach English in Japan for a year?" She hasn't had a second date in months? Easy. Say, "Wouldn't you rather know exactly where you stand instead of being strung along in a dead-end relationship for months, maybe even years?"

What you want to do is to get her to stop feeling like a victim. Depending on the situation you could either come right out and say, "you were too good for him, anyway", or you could just queue up the song "Irreplacable" and have her listen to that while you go back to sleep/eat dinner/finish your college degree.

When your friend's attention is turned to herself and her needs, it's time to use the one thing that can make anyone feel better, the one thing that will make her turn the corner that much faster, and that is: HOPE. This is the time to remind her that now she's free to find a better guy, and have a better relationship. One that won't leave her crying in the middle of the night. Tell her that everything will be alright, because everything has always worked out for the best in her life, hasn't it? Tell her she has so much going for her...and tell her why.

Then, before you hang up, make plans to meet her the next day at the gym for a kickboxing class.