What to Do When Your Friend Gets a Partner

If you're as unattractive and charismatically-unappealing as me, then you'll have been in a similar situation. You've finally become the last single member of your circle of friends, and you're watching all of them, one by one, leaving the group and spending more time with their other halves. Well, here's a quick guide on how to a) Prevent this from happening, and b) Get your friends back once they've abandoned you.

1) Stop you're friends from even looking at the opposite sex. If they express an interest in someone that they've seen or know from work, simply ask their name and reply with a very serious "No. Seriously. Don't bother." When they ask why you're dead set against them becoming an item just shake your head and say "It's better that you don't even know." Try and make a dramatic exit if it's possible, turning back at them as you reach the doorway and giving another poignant shake of the head.

2) If your friend doesn't believe your dramatic warning and goes ahead with getting together with the potential friendship-killer, then it's time to take things further. You're going to have to approach this from a different angle and get an idea of the threat. Spend time with them and your friend, but don't fall into the trap of actually beginning to like them. Remember, they're the enemy and caution must be taken at all times! Go to the movies with them, drinks out in pubs/clubs, go fishing with them; any excuse for spending a bit more time with the pair! Not only will you find vital info, but you'll also get points for "accepting" the threat into your friendship circle. Find out their hobbies, interests, favourite films and music etc. Keep a record if possible.

3) Once you've got the low-down on the threat to your friendship, cross reference his/her interests with that of your friends. Try to find any blatantly obvious clashes that you're friend will hate. Good examples of this could be political/religious views, musical tastes or general differences in opinion. Whenever you're friend mentions their romantic interest, always take their name and make it associated with your friend's hatred. "Jenny? Oh, you mean the right-wing ABBA fan?"

4) It's too late. You're friend doesn't mind the differences between them and their new partner. They're officially "an item" and you're gradually spending less time with them. It's time to put a spanner in the works of this ever growing relationship. Point out to your friend whenever their new lover is with a member of the opposite sex. "Did she just touch his hand?" "They're a bit familiar aren't they?" Is it me or is she giving him eyes?" It's a dirty tactic, but drastic times call for drastic measures.

5)This has grown out of control now. The word "love" is being thrown around between the pair and it's making you sick to the stomach. Time to grab some allies, and they're more than likely going to be batting for the other team. Get to know the friends of the threat. They'll be in exactly the same situation as you with losing their friend, so you're bound to find at least one who'll help out. Spend time with them and work on new tactics involving laxatives, video cameras and black-mail. It may be dark, but it's necessary.

6) If this doesn't work then it's time to give up. Your friend and their partner are "in love" and any tactics to sabotage their relationship will just make you even more bitter and jealous. Accept it. Let the love be. Anyway, the ally you've made in step 5 could be the ideal partner for you. If you do manage to get together with them and feelings begin to blossom between you two, be careful of other friends trying to wreck what you've got going on. The pigs!