What Happened on Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009: Week One, Night One Review & Analysis

So what happened on Dancing with the Stars, the season 9 premiere? Well, I'm about to spill all of the beans!

The DWTS season 9 premiere kicked off in grand fashion as the male pro dancers were lowered to the floor via a moving platform. They then performed a snazzy, spin-filled group routine to The Boys are Back in Town. Shake those hips, boys! Then it was the moment I'd been waiting for since August 17th: The couples entered! My immediate impression? Woohoo! Woohoo! Dancing with the Stars is back! Woohoo! Woohoo! That was followed by 'wow, Macy Gray looks pretty old' and 'Joanna Krupa is hot' and 'what in the heck is Debi Mazar WEARING? and 'I really like Kathy Ireland so I sure hope she can dance'. (Really, I thought all of that. Scary, huh?)

Co-hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris let us know that tonight would be Men's Night. Ok, cool. Bring me some DWTS male celebs.

Round One!

And then... the Dancing with the Stars season 9 action got started with spiky-haired singer Aaron Carter and partner Karina Smirnoff. A quote from Babyface Carter that sums up his personality to me off the bat? "It's almost impossible to concentrate when I have such a hottie for a teacher." Uhm, yeah. I'm not worried at all about him taking DWTS Fall 2009 seriously. Onto the serious stuff: Their Cha Cha Cha. The first few seconds aren't bad. I'm surprised in a pleasant way. He has good facial expressions, though I admit I had to stuff the urge to laugh aloud at times at his 'I smell stinky feet' expression. Aaron really does have slick moves. But honestly, Karina's awful outfit is killing the dance for me, just strangling the poor thing. That white furry feather thing around her bust is atrocious. Even worse than Blake Lively's Emmy dress. Egads. But that's enough from me; the judges take over. Head Judge Len Goodman said "it was full of potential... a great start to the show". The always entertaining crazy Italian Bruno Tonioli said "Aaron, spiky... you have to control it", while Carrie Ann Inaba revealed her inner cougar by starting off her critique with a growl. She went on to say she thought he had things to work on, but it was a good start. Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week one scores: 7, 8, 7 = 22.

Next up on the Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 premiere? Ultimate Fighter Chuck Liddell and partner Anna Trebunskaya, the self proclaimed "really tough teacher". Anna called Chuck "probably the most macho man I've ever met". Hmm. I hope hubby Jonathan Roberts is ok with this match-up. Chuck said one of his goals is to show that "fighters aren't really scary people". He's got some convincing to do, I tell ya! Onto the dancing: The Foxtrot! Oh, I like his hat. Very cute. And a very useful prop to have on hand when you're not a fabulous dancer - Anna knows what she's doing. Chuck is trying so hard! I can see him really working it in his head. Hopefully one of these weeks it'll translate to his body. And hopefully he'll be able to kick the constipated look, too. Bruno called the "footwork poor" and the "timing terrible" among other glowing comments. Carrie Ann called him "smooth" and "charming" but agreed that he needs to work on his footwork. Len then welcomed him to Dancing with the Stars and called it better than he thought it would be. He encouraged him to "get in touch with his feminine side". Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week one scores: 6, 5, 5 = 16.

Dancing with the Stars season 9 continued on with (yay! yay!) martial artist and Food Network star 'The Chairman' Mark Dacascos and partner SYTYCD alum Lacey Schwimmer. Lacey commented that Mark's impressive flexibility made her job easier. Oh la la, is he flexible. Holy cow. I'm blushing here. I've been looking forward to seeing Mark Dacascos dance for a month now so you'll have to pardon me. Bring it on! Oh ha, they're dancing their Cha Cha Cha to Kung Fu Fighting, how funny. And as I predicted, Mark is the man. Great bod, great spins, awesome bits of martial artistry. And the ending when he grabbed Lacey's leg and gave a Chairman-like nod was just hysterical. Carrie Ann said that he had a lot of potential but cautioned him against his "woochoo arms". Len said he "had good hip action" and "showed some rhythm" but told him to "back off the Kung Fu in future dances", while Bruno called it "partly a treat" but to "keep it tight" because "the talent is there". Well, I thought it was a good effort! Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week one scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21.

Up next on Dancing with the Stars season 9's opening night? Son of the Tan Man himself, Ashley Hamilton and partner Edyta Sliwinska. I'm not sure what to make of Shannen Doherty's ex. He puzzles me. So I'll move onto their Foxtrot. Well, I can say one thing with great certainty and zero confusion: Ashley Hamilton rocks a good suit. He's also not as bad with the dancing stuff as I'd have guessed. He's not uber graceful in the style of former DWTS champs, but he's got a Tan Man like smile going for him. Len said "your footwork was correct" but he needs "a bit more finesse". Bruno accused him of having "a total lack of showmanship". Ouch. Brutal, Bruno. Carrie Ann completed the critique by saying Ashley needed to find a way to "define himself" within the large field of competitors. Ashley Hamilton and Edyta Sliwinska's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week one scores: 5, 6, 4 = 15. Whoa there. Ashley must've peed in Bruno's Cheerios this morning!

I can hear the screaming from Boomers everywhere: It's entertainer Donny Odmond's turn to shimmy and shake with partner Kym Johnson. I can totally hear Kym thinking "I win! I win! I win!" I'd laugh but it's no joke: Donny Osmond is already a DWTS season 9 juggernaut. Apparently Donny gets embarrassed when he has to "practice intimate holds". Meh heh heh. So can he Foxtrot? Time to find out. Ok. I give. He's definitely cute out there. He has a performer's mentality and it shows. Where Ashley Hamilton fails at expressing himself, Donny Osmond is a beast. Is he an awesome dancer? No. Will he win Dancing with the Stars season 9? If the screams throughout his routine and the standing ovation after are any indicator, yes. Bruno said "you can play an audience like a master fiddler" but "the shoulders were bad". Carrie Ann agreed and encouraged him to remember "this is ballroom". Len called it "too theatrical" and requested "a little bit more ballroom". Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week one scores: 7, 6, 7 = 20.

Snowboard champ Louie Vito and partner SYTYCD alum Chelsie Hightower were next up. I know almost nothing about Louie. But that's ok, because he's never seen a single episode of Dancing with the Stars so we'll call it a draw. Louie said "dancing is a lot harder than I thought it would be". Hmm, yup. Yes it is. Onto their Foxtrot! Aw, he's a cutie, if nothing else. He can hang his laurels on that. I have to laugh at his forced smile. It's almost like some hot glue gunned it onto his face. He should relax. Louie Vito isn't an awful dancer, per se, but he definitely, one hundred percentedly need to relax! Carrie Ann said "you obviously have not danced before" but called it "an honest effort". Len criticized his long hair but called his technique very good. Wow, great praise from Mr. Crankypants! Bruno said "it was so cute. It was like watching a little dancing Hobbit". Ha! Quote of the night! Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week one scores: 6, 7, 6 = 19.

"This'll be the only chance I ever have to say I beat Jerry Rice." Sage words from the next DWTS season 9 contestant to hit the floor, NFL superstar Michael Irvin. His goal on Dancing with the Stars? To take down the season two runner-up. He and partner Anna Demidova got the ball rolling with their Cha Cha Cha. There's something hecka funny about seeing Michael Irvin shimmying around in a black jumpsuit. He's not bad at all; definitely shades of Emmitt Smith. And it amuses me that he sings along with the music. I fully believe that "he feels good" and "knew that he would". Michael Irvin is a showman. Anna is fabulous and he managed to outshine her. Len said "for me it wasn't a great first dance" and said he needed to get "slicker". Bruno praised his "great presence" and called him "a crowd pleaser" but agreed with Len's assessment. Finally, Carrie Ann said "you beat Jerry Rice's charisma" and then turned to Anna and said she needed to add more content. Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week one scores: 5, 4, 4 = 13. Oooh, tough one.

The first round of the Dancing with the Stars premiere wrapped up with a Cha Cha Cha from politician 'the Hammer' Tom DeLay and partner Cheryl Burke. Ooh, Cheryl looked upset during their initial meeting. Not really a surprise. She said he motivates her to "get the best out of him". I'm not sure if that's good or bad. We shall see. Buwahahahaha, Tom DeLay can shake that booty! I can't believe he and Cheryl are dancing to Wild Thing. It seems so wrong somehow. I think the best part of this dance was when Tom winked at Bruno and Bruno looked shocked. Well, that and the initial booty shake. At least it was fun! Bruno said "you are crazier than Sarah Palin!" and "the little Cha Cha Cha that you did wasn't too bad". Carrie Ann called it "surreal" and looked genuinely dazed. She was blown away by his "natural grace". Len said "parts were magic, parts were tragic". Tom DeLay and Cheryl Burke's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week one scores: 6, 5, 5 = 16. Better than Michael Irvin? Really? I think Jerry Rice must've greased some palms.

DWTS season 9 Continues - Relay Dance

After a break, there was an interesting addition to the Dancing with the Stars repertoire: The Relay Dance. Tom explained that the dance would be used to compare and rank four of the couples. How delightfully intimidating! The first four couples - Donny Osmond and Kym, Chuck Liddell and Anna T, Louie and Chelsie, and Ashley and Edyta - were charged with performing a hippy Salsa.

Ashley Hamilton and Edyta Sliwinska were up first in the relay dance. They weren't bad, but didn't blow me away. Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya were up next. Chuck wasn't bad, either. I think he used his aggressiveness to his advantage as he tossed Anna around the floor. Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson entered third. Donny once again blew the crowd away with his showmanship and shimmy shaking. Louie Vito and Chesie Hightower capped off the performance. Louis burst onto the ballroom floor with a dramatic tumbling pass. I can't say I noticed much about his dancing after that. It was hard to focus with all of that red! Carrie Ann said "side by side, Donny you smoked 'em." Len said "Ashley, that was a dance only a father could love" and agreed that Donny rocked it. More of the same from Bruno, who also added "Chuck, a revelation". The rankings came next and were as follows:

Fourth Place: Ashley Hamilton, an additional 4 points added to his DWTS Fall 2009 premiere total

Third Place: Chuck Liddell, an additional 6 points added to his DWTS Fall 2009 premiere total

Second Place: Louie Vito, an additional 8 points added to his DWTS Fall 2009 premiere total

Winner: Donny Osmond, an additional 10 points added to his DWTS Fall 2009 premiere total

The remaining four couples, Michael and Anna D, Tom and Cheryl, Aaron and Karina, and Mark and Lacey, finished up the Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 premiere with their Relay performance: A Viennese Waltz.

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff started the second DWTS Fall 2009 premiere relay performance. I thought Aaron looked decent, though there was a definitely boybander quality about him that I can't quite put into words. Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer then took over. Mark's kachow arms were still in play. Oye. Tom DeLay and Cheryl Burke had the floor next and much to my surprise, he wasn't bad! He may not come in last! Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova finished up the Relay Dance with their segment. It was a little awkward, but I think Michael had fun. Len called Tom's "a little skippy" and praised Mark's effort. Bruno said he loved Aaron's work and that Michael's performance was "better!" Carrie Ann called Michael "elegant" and reminded Mark to "breathe" while calling Tom "elegant". Then... the all-important rankings.

Fourth Place: Tom DeLay, an additional 4 points added to his DWTS Fall 2009 premiere total

Third Place: Michael Irvin, an additional 6 points added to his DWTS Fall 2009 premiere total

Second Place: Mark Dacascos, an additional 8 points added to his DWTS Fall 2009 premiere total

Winner: Aaron Carter, an additional 10 points added to his DWTS Fall 2009 premiere total

Ah, the beauty of the Dancing with the Stars premiere! The ladies still have to dance tomorrow night, so I can mull my picks and predictions for another 24 hours. After this brief first taste of the Fall 2009 action, I'm pegging Donny Osmond as the eventual winner. Yes, it's a bold proclamation, but I'm a realist. Donny's sister Marie didn't receive half of the adoration that was bestowed on Donny this evening AND she wasn't a great dancer, yet she still managed to come in third a few seasons ago. Foregone conclusion, baby.

So that's what happened on Dancing with the Stars. Check in with me tomorrow night for more play-by-play and the occasional snarkery. You know I'll be watching!