What Happened on Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009: Week Two

What happened on Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 season's second week of competition? Read on for all of the delicious details, from the first shimmy to the very last shake.

The show opened with the customary greeting from DWTS season 9 co-hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris, who welcomed the stars and their professional partners to the Dancing with the Stars ballroom floor. They went on to introduce head judge Len Goodman's fill-in for the evening, Baz Luhrmann, who has an extensive dance background and is the mastermind behind Moulin Rouge.

Up first on the ballroom floor were model Joanna Krupa and partner Derek Hough, who were charged with performing a Jive. Joanna aimed to "just have a blast" during their dance, so we'll see how that pans out. Their Jive started out with a bang as Joanna rocketed toward Derek during the first bars of the hypercharged hit What I Like About You. Joanna's hair this week scared me: Big and wild. They were clearly going for an 80s look, but wow. Their Jive was action packed and super de duperdy fast, but not especially precise. Carrie Ann agreed with me on the hair, but went on and said "it got out of control at times". Bruno Tonioli praised her for not holding back, but noted that her "flicks and kicks" weren't precise. Baz finished the critique by saying they needed to develop more of a relationship to make their dances really work. Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 6, 7, 7 = 20

"Million dollar mermaid"-dubbed Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin and partner Alec Mazo took to the Dancing with the Stars 2009 ballroom floor next with a Quickstep. During rehearsals, Natalie had trouble remembering to breathe. Yikes! No problem in the pool, but on the dancefloor? Essential to pass that air! (From the mouth. Get your mind out of the gutter, DWTS fan!) Natalie's super flowy lavendar gown really hid the bulk of her footwork from my tired eyes and a few of her kicks looked a little awkward, but I can't say that it looked like she wasn't breathing. Phew for them! Bruno told her to "relax a little bit more" to keep herself from "going a little bit funny" on top. Baz noted the difficulty of the Quickstep and agreed with Bruno's assessment, but called the second half of the dance fantastic. Carrie Ann called her one of her favorites so far, and told her to view Alec as "an extension of you" instead of a separate person. Deep stuff. Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21

Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 season's second night rolled on with a Tango by Ultimate Fighting Champ Chuck Liddell and partner Anna Trebunskaya. Wow. I'm not sure what to think of Chuck and Anna's Tango get-up. It's almost like Bride of Chucky meets Tim Burton meets a grudge match cage dance. Intense and full of heat. I think it was definitely better than I'd expected, though Chuck definitely didn't get in touch with his feminine side, as Len had asked him to do last week! Baz said that although Len probably would've hated it (uh, yeah, ya think?), he thought "it was fantastic". Carrie Ann said "I was a little frightened" and said "that dance had impact.... It was sexy but kind of scary". Bruno called the dance "Savage and primeval but always a Tango" and praised him for working "very, very hard". He then went on to ask America to "please vote for this guy, he's amazing". Wow, high praise from Bruno! Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 6, 7, 6 = 19

Next up to showcase their stuff on DWTS season 9's second week were actress Melissa Joan Hart and partner Mark Ballas. Mark noted Melissa's lack of coordination during their pre-dance segment, but also noted that she was very interested in learning tricks for their Jive. Hmm. The first thing that occurred to me as they took to the ballroom floor was Melissa's resemblance to Minnie Mouse in her red dotted dress. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but my 3 and 4-year olds would absolutely recognize their favorite (ok, second favorite) Disney mouse with no trouble at all. Oh, and the dance: Energetic, fun and not as nerve-filled as last week. Carrie Ann confessed that she'd been worried about Melissa making an early exit from DWTS season 9, but called her "bright red with spots" and praised her great energy during the Jive. Bruno cautioned her against being too wild, and Baz called it a "big, big improvement from last week" but said to work on her "step work". Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas' Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 7, 6, 6 = 19

Perhaps last week's most harshly judged couple, NFL star Michael Irvin and partner Anna Demidova took to the floor next with their Quickstep. Anna and Michael trained relentlessly last week to prepare for their dance and to show the judges that they could do much better. But will they? I like their costumes: Michael's gray suit vest and pants are a nice choice against his bright pink shirt and Anna's bright pink dress. So points for style! As far as the Quickstep went, it was a fun performance, but I'm not sure Michael really nailed the steps. Bruno praised him for giving them content and called it "a proper Quickstep". Baz called him "a natural performer" and praised "his great charm", while Carrie Ann said "compared to last week, this is like a touchdown". Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 7, 7, 6 = 20

Actress Debi Mazar and bad boy of the ballroom partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy were up next with a Tango. Debi noted during rehearsals that their "love-hate relationship" should be perfect fodder for their dance this week. We shall see. Maks showed a shockingly sensitive side when Debi complained that he'd hurt her feelings. I was stunned. They're definitely a firebrand couple. Shazaam. My first thought about their Tango? This is a great character dance. Debi nailed her role and looked the part, as did Maks (of course). I thought they did an excellent job with bringing the piece - and the music - to life. Baz called it "an achievement" and Carrie Ann said "Debi, you are the Drama Queen". Bruno said "I love it when you're channeling the feisty ball-breaker" and told her to keep it up. Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21

Another Jive was next on the Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 menu, and snowboarder Louie Vito and partner Chelsie Hightower served it up. Louie confessed that one week ago, he didn't even know what the Jive was, so this indeed could be interesting. It definitely wasn't perfect, but it was cute, fun and fast! I thought some of Louie's kicks were actually quite excellent. And yes, even as a thirtysomething mom, I think he's a cutie. Does that make me a cougar? Carrie Ann said it was good but he lost track of the music at times. Bruno went after him and told him "you can do much better than that because you have the ability" and told him to "come back here and just blast it". Baz criticized the outfit, but called it "tremendous and joyous and what a Jive should be". Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 6, 7, 6 = 19

We're now halfway through Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009's second week of competition, so I thought I'd pause for a moment to recap the obvious. One, Bruno, Carrie Ann and Baz seem to be stuck in the 19 to 21 zone. Did someone replace all of their paddles with the same two numbers? Can we see something other than a 6 or a 7? Pretty please? Two, I don't think the dances have been that bad, all in all. Mr. Crankypants may be absent this evening, but his spirit is clearly in the Ballroom. Now I'll move on with the action.

Singer Aaron Carter and partner Karina Smirnoff continued the night's action with their Quickstep. Karina said during rehearsals that she pushes Aaron hard because she sees "how much potential he has", and Aaron agreed that she's brutally tough. Yay, a Muppet opened their dance! How fun! My initial thought? Aaron looked like a dancing Leprechaun in his green suit, although in hindsight I suppose he was supposed to be Kermit the Frog while Karina was to be Miss Piggy in her fluffy pink get-up. It was cute and fun and brought up all sorts of comfy nostalgic feelings for me. I did love how Gonzo showed up at the judges' table, though. Bruno rose to his feet and exclaimed "spectacular, spectacular" and called Aaron "mini Fred Astaire". Baz called the dance "clever and inventive" and "a great show", and Carrie Ann said it "was truly a pleasure". What made Carrie Ann especially happy was the "contact" during the hold. Hmm. Good thing Karina and Maks broke off their engagement. Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 9, 9, 9 = 27. Yowza, they must've heard me! Woohoo, no 6s or 7s here!

The great surprise of last week, reality TV star Kelly Osbourne, and her partner Louie van Amstel came up next with their Tango. Kelly called herself "a nervous wreck" and was convinced that the Tango woudn't be nearly as good as last week's offering. How sad. Girl needs some self-confidence! I thought Kelly looked good once again, though I wish she hadn't broken her serious expression with such a big smile during the middle of the first or second pass. Her concentration was intense and though she looked lost at times and had trouble with some of the footwork, it was still a decent offering. Baz praised her for her "incredible self-revelation" even as he pointed out that she'd made mistakes. Carrie Ann agreed with Baz, and said "you're building this wonderful technique baseline". Bruno likened her to Eva Peron and said "it went very wrong" with mistakes. Kelly Osbourne and Louie van Amstel's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 6, 7, 6 = 19

Dancing with the Stars season 9 pranced on with Kathy Ireland and partner Tony Dovolani's Quickstep. Kathy planned to "get over herself and throw caution to the wind and not be so tentative" this week. I hope she does it! I think Kathy is absolutely better-suited for ballroom-style dance. Her carriage is lovely and she's so very graceful, though I think the judges will nail her for their hold. Incidentally, I don't fault her one bit for keeping her distance from Tony; it's likely just out of her comfort zone to get too close to someone who isn't her husband. But I digress. Carrie Ann said it was elegant, but she needs to do more to separate herself from the others in the competition. Bruno noted that "You can't dance the Quickstep two miles apart" and told Tony to hold Kathy more closely, and Baz agreed. Kathy Ireland and Tony Dovolani's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18

Iron Chef Chairman Mark Dacascos and partner Lacey Schwimmer were up next on DWTS season 9's second week with their Quickstep. Mark lamented during their rehearsals that there was "no way to learn the steps quick". Mark had good energy and made the funniest faces at times (though I don't know if he meant to do that), so it was a cute, fun, lively number. And it was shockingly void of martial artistry! Bruno said "what a great performer! If only you could get your feet under control". Baz called it "an incredible comeback" after a fall early on in the dance, while Carrie Ann called it "very ambitious" and praised his "explosive" but "controlled" moves. She also told him to "breathe a little bit more" and "relax a little". I can see that. Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21

Jive was the name of tonight's DWTS season 9 game for R&B singer Mya and partner Dmitry Chaplin. They started their quick, hip-shaking number with a cute nerd-and-hottie sketch. Although the dancing they actually did was really, really good, I think they spent too much time on the cuteness at the beginning. But that's just me. Baz called it "the real deal" and "fantastic", and praised them for "making it their own". Carrie Ann said "I know for a fact that Len wouldn't have liked the beginning" (did I call that or what?) but she liked it. Bruno called her "Mya the magnificent" and said it was like seeing Josephine Baker and Clark Kent... doing it like I've never seen done before". Uh, yeah. Bruno's at it again. Mya and Dmitry Chaplin's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 9, 9, 9 = 27

Tom 'the Hammer' DeLay and partner Cheryl Burke were next up on Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009's second week of competition with their Tango. Tom visited a doctor and discovered that he had a "pre-stress fracture" in his toe, but he was still allowed to compete. Wow, I have to say that I'm impressed. I sort of laughed my way through Tom's Wild Thing last week, but there wasn't anything laughable about tihs performance (except the last two seconds when he nearly dropped Cheryl on the floor. Oops). Carrie Ann said "you're an awfully well-matched couple" and she really like it "until the end". Bruno said "you nearly pulled it out of the bag. Distinguished, determined" but "it went to pieces". Baz said that "Uncle Lenny would be very happy with your hold". Tom DeLay and Cheryl Burke's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18

The evening's edition of DWTS season 9 came to a close with a Jive by showbiz legend Donny Osmond and partner Kym Johnson. During rehearsals, Kym worried that Donny's advancing age would make the fast footwork a challenge. Donny Osmond? Old? Never! Pish-posh, Kym. Before the music even started, I thought 'Austin Powers' and '70s', so they nailed it with the costuming. And as with last week, Donny absolutely nailed the performance aspect of the dance. I laughed aloud at some of the faces he made, and my husband (who was pretending not to watch across the room) uttered "yeah, I'd say it's not fair that he's in the competition". Bruno said "secret agent Osmond, mission accomplished" and praised the "touch of John Travolta" he'd added. Baz said "it's fantastic that dance knows no age" and Carrie Ann said "this is why the name Osmond carries so much weight in this business" and then she praised Kym's outfit. Woot! Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week two scores: 8, 9, 8 = 25

Ah, so now it's that time: Time for this vaguely crazed DWTS fan to offer up her own personal insights on the night's events. First off, Donny Osmond is getting under my skin. Before the season began, I wasn't anti-Donny, but I was cautious. I worried that he'd dance like his sister Marie and win the whole thing, and the notion was very, very scary. After all, a truly good dancer should win Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 season! But I worried for no reason: Donny can dance! He's fun and he's a crowd-pleaser to boot. Good stuff.

Now, onto a serious note. Far be it from me to go all political in my happy place, but I was really (no, really) disappointed by the open scorn substitute judge Baz seemed to direct at Tom DeLay. We all have our political beliefs, but hey, keep 'em to yourself and off of your face, especially if you're judging a celebrity dance show like DWTS. So I'm sending a big old 'pttttthp' packaged with a hearty 'booooo' to Mr. Luhrmann.

That all said, who goes home? Oof, that's a toughie. We've already lost Ashley Hamilton, who I'd considered the least likely to get audience votes from the get-go. The lowest scorers were Kathy Ireland and Tom DeLay with 18 each, but there were also a sea of 19s, so it's a tough call. Going purely on the numbers, I'll guess that Tom will make his departure tomorrow night. It would probably be the most merciful outcome, as he was clearly in pain after his dance.

Be sure to tune in to Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009's second results show tomorrow night to see the USC marching band in action, and of course, to find out which celeb gets the boot. Or you can just check in with me. You know I'll be watching.