What Happened on Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009: Week Five

You may deny it, but you know you're dying to know what happened on Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 's fifth week of competition. (Seriously, I know you are.) I'm here and hoppin' to fill you in on the latest DWTS news and funstuffs, including color commentary on the return of co-host Samantha Harris' scary Halloween hair, why model Joanna Krupa ditched Derek Hough in favor of Maksim Chmerkovskiy, what LaToya Jackson was doing in the ballroom, and who Len Goodman likened to Robert Pattinson and praised for comin' back to Papa. Read on for all of the juicy DWTS season 9 details from this halfway-through-the-season-9 show.

Each Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 couple performed either the Argentine Tango or the Paso Doble during this fifth week of DWTS season 9 competition. The Argentine Tango is passion; the Paso Doble is aggression. Very simply put, of course.

Up first were Olympic medal-winning swimmer Natalie Coughlin and partner Alec Mazo, whose most recent dance, the Bolero, the judges criticized as lacking passion and chemistry. Natalie and Alec's Paso Doble was set to American Woman, which is a kickin' tune and perfect for a badass athlete like Natalie. She looked super-smooth. I wish she'd looked just an iota less tentative at times, but hey, I guess I'd be pretty tentative if I was on Dancing with the Stars, too. Something about millions of viewers and all. Head judge Len Goodman said "everything you do is clean and precise" but told Natalie and Alec to "get a little bit more chemistry between the two of you". Bruno Tonioli called her "the wonder woman" but called the dance itself "wonderless". Carrie Ann Inaba called her "a great student" but also put on her Lift-Nazi Hat and called them out for including a lift (whaaaa?). Wha choo talkin' 'bout, Carrie Ann? Lift my posterior! Crazy woman! Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week 5 scores: 7, 8, 7 = 22.

Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 's fifth week of competitive dancing continued with an Argentine Tango by singer Aaron Carter, who was most recently told to "chill out" by Carrie Ann after his spastic Lambada left America screaming No! No! NO! Aaron and partner Karina Smirnoff's dance started off red-hot, but fizzled. Aaron did a whola lotta standing around while Karina pranced and pouted and played sex kitten-in-a-red-dress. More substance! He can dance. He can. I just want to see more dancing and less prancing. Bruno said "you've done exactly what I've asked you to do" and "it was something like watching Robert Pattinson tangoing during Twilight". (I thought Aaron was going to burst into tears of joy.) Carrie Ann, after collecting a make-up kiss from Aaron, praised the dance as "grounded". Len finished the review by saying "the last couple of week's you've been... like a little boy who's lost his daddy... but you've come back to me!" Clearly I was wrong. Maybe I was watching the wrong couple. Whistle, whistle, whistle. Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff's Dancing with the Stars week 5 scores: 8, 8, 8 = 24.

DWTS season 9 action continued with a Paso Doble from NFL star Michael Irvin and partner Anna Demidova. Last week, Bruno likened Michael and Anna's performances to the current US economy: Down, down, down. Ouch. Okay, so the Paso is certainly Michael's type of dance: Aggressive and BIG. But at the same time, I felt like he could've danced BIGGER. DWTS is about being there in a BIG way, after all. Cool cape-swinging aside, I don't think they pulled it off as well as they could have. Carrie Ann said "finally! Favorite dance so far". Len praised his posture and the knee walks. Bruno said "keep the nickel in your butt because it's working for you". (Whoa, back up. During their rehearsals, Michael practiced his Paso with the coin in his butt to keep his back straight. Seriously.) I'm clearly way off tonight. Way, way off. Maybe it's the big bowl of Pirate's Booty I'm munching my way through. Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week 5 scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21.

Last week's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 's 'grossest dance' winner (because that Lambada was nas-TAY) Mya and partner Dmitry Chaplin kept the DWTS action going with their Argentine Tango. Gah, when I watch Mya and Dmitry dance, sometimes I want to scream 'ballroom dance doesn't have to be smarmy!' Their dances are so, so well-done and they're both such good dancers, but in my humble opinion, there's such a thing as too sexy. Especially at 8 PM on Network TV. But anyway, I'm sure the judges will eat this one up because it looked good and they're both hot. And in fairness, it wasn't horribly slutty this week. Len "I never really know what I like until I see it and I liked that". Bruno called the dance "intricate like lace" and said Mya is "a great technician", but told them to keep the emotional connection intact in the future. Carrie Ann praised the way Mya moves, but said the emotional connection was "lacking". Mya and Dmitry Chaplin's Dancing with the Stars week 5 scores: 9, 9, 9 27.

Iron Chef America Star Mark Dacascos and partner Lacey Schwimmer came up next on Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009. They offered up a Paso Doble, and Mark hoped to show the judges "a matador and not just a lot of bull". Ha ha. Lacey's hair kind of scared me. That's my first thought. My second? Dang, Mark has the feel of this dance DOWN. Slick, smooth, sharp and in his element. And holy cow, that kick spin thingy he did in the air? Awesome. Slam, bam, thank ya Mark. You da man. Bruno said "the red devil, you're gonna sprout horns". Carrie Ann said "you were in your power" and called it "very exciting". Len said "you need posture, you need passion, you need performance. You had all three." Woot! Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week 5 scores: 9, 9, 8 = 26. Bruno, what the heck?! But props to Tom Bergeron for sharing my vague fear of Lacey and Samantha's crazy, finger-in-the-electric-socket hair-dos. Shuddering here.

Another Argentine Tango was in store as show biz legend Donny Osmond and partner Kym Johnson took to the Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 ballroom floor. I can't help but love Donny. He's an enigma wrapped in a... well, you get it. Love, love, loved Donny and Kym's opening pass. Sexy, but appropriate and not at all smarmy. Props to Kym for that. As he always does, Donny hook, line and sinkered the mood of the dance, and the actual movement-parts were good, too. Niiiiice. It's crazy to think that Donny is old enough to be Kym's FATHER. Egads. Carrie Ann said "the Argentine Tango loves Donny Osmond!... I just fell in love with you.... It was so darn sexy!". Len praised "the intensity of the dance" and called it "your best dance". Bruno yelled "it's bonanza time! Finally Donny Osmond is turning into Donny Darko!", which of course led to another odd interaction between the two men. I'm torn between glossing over the weirdness and exposing it in all of its glory, but glossing wins out. Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson's Dancing with the Stars week 5 scores: 10, 9, 10 = 29. Well-deserved.

Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 rolled on with a performance from snowboarder Louie Vito and partner Chelsie Hightower. The pair was charged with dancing the Argentine Tango. Bummer for them having to follow Donny and Kym. It's a good thing Louie and Chelsie are darn adorable together and have smokin' chemistry. Otherwise they'd be screwed with a capital S. As much as I suck up their non-smarmy cuteness like candy, I want them to give more! I want Louie to dance more. Len said "I wasn't expecting a lot and I've been so pleasantly surprised" and praised Louie for setting the mood. Bruno said "great storytelling: The Lost Boy meets the Hot Chick" but said "you have to start to dance". Carrie Ann said "it was a little pedestrian" but praised the way he "partners" Chelsie. Hmm. Interesting terminology. "Partnering." Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower's Dancing with the Stars week 5 scores: 7, 8, 7 = 22.

Actress Melissa Joan Hart and her flu-plagued partner Mark Ballas were up next on Dancing with the Stars week 5 with their Argentine Tango. Mark's bright red shoes were really distracting. Really. I had an awful time trying to concentrate on the feet. Have pity on my poor tired eyes, DWTS! Anyway, Mama Friend was fine; the dance didn't sparkle quite as brilliantly as Donny and Kym's earlier offering, but it wasn't bad. Bruno said "you lost your steps quite a few times and I never believed you were the harlot, the woman of the night". Oof. Carrie Ann exclaimed "Disagree!" and praised her for nailing the character. Len said "it did lack a little bit of the seduction" but "you coped with all of that difficult choreography". Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas' Dancing with the Stars week 5 scores: 8, 8, 7 = 23.

Paso time with reality star Kelly Osbourne and partner Louie van Amstel! I'm not sure how Miss Giggles is going to cope with performing such an aggressive dance on DWTS season 9. Makes me giggle a bit myself. Kelly had the added challenge of dancing to one of her dad Ozzy Osbourne's songs - Crazy Train - to boot! Ooh, more finger in the socket hair here. Very apropos. The opening pass was awesome. Great energy, great attitude. Sweet. I thought it lost a little sparkle and heat over time, but all in all, not bad! Daddy should be proud of Miss Giggles. Carrie Ann told her to keep her confidence because "it is all there, honey". Len praised her for getting rid of the nerves. Bruno agreed with Carrie Ann and told her to "stay on it". Kelly Osbourne and Louie van Amstel's Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week 5 scores: 8, 8, 8 = 24.

And then there was one. Last to dance: Model Joanna Krupa and temp partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy with an Argentine Tango. Joanna didn't reeeaallly boot Derek Hough; he contracted the flu this past week and was unable to perform. Welcome back Maks. Holy smokin' chicken, that was hot in a sophistocated way. Nothing against Mr. Hough because he's fab, but there was a maturity to this dance that only the Bad Boy of the Ballroom can bring. Bruno said "I was living my fantasies up until that stumble". Shoot, I missed the stumble; woot for the DVR. Len said "I think you did a great job under the circumstances", and Carrie Ann agreed. She also told Joanna to work on her flexibility. Joanna Krupa and Maksim Chmerkovskiy's Dancing with the Stars week 5 scores: 8, 8, 8 = 24.

Round two followed after a break: The group Hustle! 70s baby! Snicker, snicker: I bet Donny Osmond feels right at home. I always approach these Dancing with the Stars mainstays with a healthy mixture of dread and anticipation. I always expect someone to fall down, but no one ever does. I was born during the 70s, and routines like this one make me glad I don't remember the decade of disco. Fun, but whoa thar, sideburns and scary prints! Though I confess: I like some of the dresses. It's my birthright to be drawn to 70s fashion. Self-discovery, table for one. But we're talking DWTS season 9 here. It was a fun dance. A bit crazy and manic and over the top, but fun. And fun is largely what matters for group dances. Bruno called it "sublime and ridiculous at the same time". Carrie Ann essentially agreed. Len praised Mark Dacascos, Aaron Carter and Donny Osmond in particular and said it was good.

So what's what happened on Dancing with the Stars week 5. Who goes home tomorrow? Shucks, I don't know. They were all good tonight, so it's hard to pick, but I'll stick with Michael Irvin, and also put Louie Vito in the bottom two. Not that I don't like the guys; I think they're both starting to step up. But I think perhaps they're the weakest links at the moment and fair is fair.

Tune in to tomorrow night's Dancing with the Stars results show. The show will feature a tribute to the late pop superstar Michael Jackson and much more. Or you can just check in with me. You know I'll be watching.