What Happens After You Get Arrested?

Your humble narrator had the television on as background noise whilst cleaning the Server room and 'American Jail' came on. It was actually entertaining in a perverse sort of way. Anyone who knows me well knows I spent some time **ahem** as a repentant guest of Fast Buck Eddie's wonderful Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, on several different occasions. Each visit, I was a wee bit more repentant, until I finally went to a 12-step program, have since turned me life around and pointed it in the right direction. Anyway, the show did not cause some 'Cousin Strawberry' type flashbacks; however, it did start a trip down Memory Lane. I did a Google search and found a couple pages, some actually asking for money, about what to expect, when going to the stripy hole. For reasons that should be painfully obvious, this is a loose guide for folks anticipating a trip to jail, not an emergency reference work. If you are using heroin, meth, or crack, rest assured this page would apply to you at some point. The truest phrase parrot-ted by the sincere and insincere alike out of NA is "jails, institutions, and death".

First things first, this detainment is going to take a while. Trying to be the hard-boiled type giving the guards a hard time, is only going to make intake processing even longer. If you get there an hour and a half before shift change, it is going to take even longer, before you are even printed. For reasons that should be obvious, the middle of the week will not take as long as weekends. It is very important to forget whatever you have seen on television or the movies. A little apprehension is wise and healthy. The time to be scared was once you realized you were a fully-fledged dope sick addict. (I am surprised Hazelden® did not trademark dope sick, alleged greedy s.o.b.s) If you are still fearful about being in jail, just chill, with a little luck, you can go to the Chapel in less than a week. If your charges are not exceptionally serious and you still have an unburned bridge or three out there, you may be out on bail within 36 to 72 hours.
Perhaps it is time for another disclaimer: All of the experiences are with the Allegheny County Jail system (henceforth referred to ACJ). Judging from TRUtv, which was the artist formerly known as CourtTV, most jails operate in a similar manner. Lord knows that the 'Pod' architecture is damn near universal in this Federal Republic. Externally, ACJ looks like Big Brother's Ministry of Love. Located on the north bank of the Monongahela River, it sits between the 10th street and Liberty bridges. Its other two borders are Second Avenue and the Parkway. The interior and its method are on what we are going to concentrate.

For whatever reason, you are now a guest of the county and the Department of Corrections. Your best option may be staying in until your preliminary hearing. Seriously, after 3 days the dope-sickness is bearable and if the charge is weak enough (cattle rustling, DVDs, etc) you might be looking at time served. Thanks for sticking with this narrative so far and keep the above info in your mind as we do a quick overview. So now, it is time; whether from the Magistrates or the local fascist stronghold, your ride to the county has arrived. If it is Pittsburgh's finest, it will not show up as a court cost. They will likely use the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial East Busway, known to Pittsburghers as the EBA, to get you there. Do not expect a scenic tour. If it is a constable, he or she may take pity and allow you one last smoke, before heading to the big red resort on the Monongahela River, but it is going to cost you in the end. The sooner you get smokes out of your system, the better. As you guessed, ACJ is a non-smoking facility. The vehicle pulls into the stripy hole and the garage door closes behind you. This is real and the summation of being addicted to drug or drinking, so deal with it.

Now it is a short shuffle into the sally port, the secure area between other areas. In this case, it is between the free world and the crossbar hotel. On the right hand is a bunch of lockers. A sheriff once informed me this is where visiting cops lock up their guns. Sallying into the sally port, it is time for you to be searched. This can go quick and business-like or be a pain, just co-operate.

DO NOT try to attempt to sneak contraband in. I am not kissing up to the jakes, just sparing you some very real heartache. I forgot about a stamp bag I had in my wallet and told them. I remembered before they went through it. The guard said, "Honesty is the best policy" and tossed it into the contraband bag. I never heard about it again and for that, I am grateful. Seriously, attempting to introduce contraband into the joint will get you a new case thus more charges. Playing the tough guy criminal is not going to impress anyone and it will make you stick out in a very bad way.

A very thorough search will be conducted. A female told me the women get an elaborate search as well. The females are required to shake hair, loosen hair bands/barrettes, shoes, socks, etc. This is where you get a real feel for the place because, what you see is what you are going to get. It is very institutional, grays and blues color most of the landscape. I found that someone calling me "prisoner" was oddly disturbing. The noise level is high and the smell of the place takes some getting used to. Once finished with searches, you receive a white wristband with your name sharpee'd on it, and then a nurse with a clipboard asks a brief health history. After which, you are escorted to a holding cell. If you are dopesick, make sure you tell the nurse so. You will see her again after arraignment, so be nice. The time has arrived for us to go to the holding cell.

The moment of meeting your fellow prisoners has also arrived. Cheer up; you are now at the first pit stop on your way to (hopefully) your eventual freedom. Look around and take a seat, if you can. My experiences between life, the Army, and some institutions make pairing up with someone my next priority. It is mainly to pass the time, but can be a defensive move. Just like combat, a friend watching your back can be priceless. Now, it is not like the movies or TV but it IS jail. This usually points me to an older brother (black male) or possibly someone from high school. Why is that? Well, to be both frank and brutally honest, the brothers usually seem to take these things in stride. I guess I should point out I am speaking in GENERAL TERMS, which should never be confused with stereotyping. Growing up in the Mt. Oliver area of Pittsburgh, PA, a person being black is just another nationality, no more and no less. I truly believe that if both sides of the aisle approached race relations this way, the dialog would be far more honest and productive.

The holding cell is a boring, stinky, and eventually crowded place that will be your temporary home. This can last anywhere from an hour up to 5 hours. If you get there right before shift change, it will be a minute. Survey the scared suburbanites, wanna -be tough guy DUIs, and a couple dope-sick fiends sitting there. You may get a bag breakfast or lunch, again depending on when you where signed over to the ACJ. It is now time to wait until they call your name. When your name finally called, it is on to the next stop, which will be the ID section. This is where my reference to defense in the preceding paragraph comes in. For the most part, everyone is just waiting to get to the phones or get upstairs (where the housing cells are). There may be a drunk with a hangover starting to kick in. Sometimes he wants to be a tough guy. Ignore his tales, if you can, along with the suburban kids talking like Justin Timberlake. Their bravado is probably based on fear. If you are bullsh*tting with someone, they move on to a loner.

After what feels like a hundred years, a CO (correctional officer) calls your name. It is your turn to go to the ID section. This consists of mug shots and fingerprinting. You might be able to bum a dip of chew from one of these cats, who are not Correctional Officers or cops, but they like to present themselves as such. They can summon the goon squad (Emergency Response Team) with the quickness of a CO. That is something you might want to keep in mind, lest you are tempted to play the hardened criminal role. Our next stop is a long wait for arraignment. Escorted as a group to the pre-arraignment area, there you are divvied up. This area has its own group of C.O's. They split everybody up into groups of five and put you into the smallish cells. It is in these cells that you wait.

The wait in that area is what pre-arraignment is, both as a noun and as a verb. After the wait, you will be re-grouped, shackled, and led up a ramp to the city court. Waiting on us is yet another cell. It is a small cell and everyone about to be arraigned is in there. That is a random number but the night I was there had about a dozen. The next stop is the magistrate who sets your bond. This is an exercise in learning how to keep your mouth shut in a couple ways; FIRST, some others will be talking about their respective case(s) and you may be tempted to join in. Now, you will not establish the camaraderie you hope to, and there is NO HONOUR AMONG THIEVES! Pr*cks will snitch on their mother if they think it will get them out 10 minutes earlier. In fact, the cat bragging about being a major gangsta, etc. is the most suspect to me. Any true crime lord is not going to be saying what a BMF he is repeatedly to a group of strangers before arraignment. The true major criminals know to keep quiet and observe, as well as any other inmate with brains. SECOND, the key to keeping a good smile is to brush and floss, visit your dentist and minding your own business. Jail is nasty, scary, and crowded; the smallest thing can set off a fight. In the Army, folks are slow to break up a fight and this holds true for confinement.

Do not even think about or hope for an OR Bond (release on your Own Recognizance). Allegheny County is all about the "Money" (DeMonet, DeMonet shouts Harvey Korman's Count de Monet character). Something small anywhere else, say p*ssing in an alley will be $500 bond here in the land where the three rivers meet. Unless, of course, you are from the right family or a part of the hack political machine. Those rarified folk can "turn themselves in" to a magistrate and walk out with a preliminary hearing date. Now, I am not some whining leftist who blames everything on racism, but I pride myself on honesty. This is why I can tell my African-American friends, they can count on having to get a couple signatures and/or property ON TOP of getting up the dough for the bond. I am not trying to angry up anyone's blood, just trying to present an honest and realistic picture here. Save the hate mail for your congressman. A neighbor of mine was gripped up by taskforce, with two bundles of heroin on him and a couple rigs (syringes). It was a fair bust and he had no beef with the arresting officers and offered no trouble. What was his bond? $25,000 straight !!??!!! That same night a nephew of a former mayor stabbed his girlfriend. Stabbed, but not murdered. What was his bond? $2500! Before you Fraternal Order of Police types, and Jake wanna-be's flood my inbox with your hate, I am not taking any sort of stand or political position. I am just passing on an observation and always try to stick to first-hand knowledge. Any tale that someone passed on to me will get full credit whenever I write it.

After seeing the magistrate on duty and having your bond set, it is back to the jail proper. Back in the jail compound, we arrive at our last stop before making a real cell "home". The nurse sees you for further evaluation, gives you a high blood pressure pill for being dope sick and its off you go to the common area. If your heart contains any hope of seeing the outside, it is going to be realized through the pay phones here. It is also your last shot at soda pops. The guard station is in the center of the area, blue almost comfortable chairs take up the center of the area, and a bank of phones are to your left. On the right are holding cells lining that wall. That is where you go for counts, shift changes, or if you are not playing well with the other guests. The phones are the very last that do not play "This is a collect call from (Mr. X), an inmate at the Allegheny County Jail. This call is from correctional institution and is subject to monitoring and recording." If you or someone you know can make bail, the CO station has the numbers of some bondsman and agencies. If not, you are going upstairs to the intake SHU (Segregated Housing Unit) up on the fourth floor. That, in and of itself, requires its own story.

Well, that is about it. If you are using hard stuff, please read my other articles and GET HELP. You will end up behind bars, eventually. I will have another article on what happens if you do not make bail and go upstairs. I would also like to point out that the Pittsburgh Police are some of the most professional law enforcement officers in the country. As an ex-offender, I never thought for a second that the goof who killed three would leave the standoff above room temperature. The fact that they did capture him alive has changed my tune about them forever. May God give those officer's families peace and closure.