What to Get HIM for Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is coming and there are really two schools of thought on it. One of them is the generally held female perspective which says that it has to be romantic and full of flowers and cards and things shaped like hearts and big elaborate gifts delivered to offices so that they can show off to the other women that their guy is better than their guy. The second school of thought comes from the men, like myself, who think it is best summed up by seven gangsters being lined up against a wall and shot in the back in a garage in Chicago during the 20s.

It seems to me that when Valentine's Day comes around it is a perfect example of the different ways in which women look at things and men look at things. Women tend to get all starry-eyed and dreamy and think the most ridiculous Hollywood movie or Harlequin Romance novel thoughts. Men, meanwhile, break out in cold sweats and worry and fret and wake up in the middle of the night with visions of lawyers, break-ups or lonely nights with no sex for a year dancing through their heads.

I know women who actually base their entire relationship, seemingly, around Valentine's Day. The sit at work and every time another flower delivery guy shows up their heads all pop up from their cubicles like meerkats on that Discovery Channel show. Then they put on fake smiles and congratulate the woman who got the giant bouquet while inwardly they secretly seethe. I have overheard conversations where one woman threatened to banish her loved-one to the couch for a full year if he didn't pick the right restaurant to take her at the end of the day.

So, women probably assume that men put as much stock into this ridiculous of all holidays as they do. That would be about as far from the truth as can be, ladies, and you had better get that through your heads as you plot and plan for what to give your hubby or boyfriend this year. Before you spend hours trying to think of that perfect romantic thing that you think will cause tears to well in his eyes and his heart to melt, you had better just realize that this is about as far from what your hubby or boyfriend cares about as the moon is from the sun.

What would be the perfect gift? The first gift that might bring about a true heart-felt thank you is to leave him alone. That's right. Say nothing. Don't give him a card. Don't remind him what day it is. Don't drop hints or slip the address of your office under the bathroom door while he's shaving with a picture of your favorite flower on it. He's stressed enough already. Leave him alone and he'll thank you for it.

The second thing guys want is sex without having to work their fingers to the bone to get it. Nothing says "guy" more than sex that comes to him without him having to lift a finger. As the old joke goes "show up naked, bring food" and you have an idea of what a guy really wants in a romantic dinner. So, do it. Give him whatever he wants as long as it's legal. This is particularly true when it comes to oral sex which isn't about you anyway, but about him, but you know he wants it so just give it, dammit.

You know that sexy thing he bought you two years ago that was so low-cut even Hugh Heffner would plus and looked like it would split you in two if you tried to put it on when you noticed the string on the back? He didn't really buy that for you, as you probably know. He bought that for himself. So, suck it up and put it on for him. He'll be shocked and surprised and he'll be yours for the taking the rest of the year.

You see, come February most guys are depressed anyway. Football season is over and they have nothing to look forward to until spring training. All they have now is the dread and fear that whatever they do for Valentine's Day is going to keep them deep in hot water for the rest of the year.

So, go out and buy some sort of DVD or video that has lots and lots of football on it. Sit him down, after the sex and the lingerie and the oral homage is done, put on that DVD and let him watch football the entire day. Maybe you can strike a deal and make an entire weekend out of it. He gets his day on Saturday or Sunday and then he has to do what you want the other day. I would suggest you give him his day first because he will be so thankful to you he might just do the most romantic thing you have ever seen.

Of course, you could just decide to skip the entire Valentine's Day thing all-together, which may be the greatest gift you could ever give a man. Decide that the holiday is stupid and baseless and it makes no sense for society to dictate a day when you should express each other's love for each other. If you really want a random date to somehow and for some reason, to be a date for you to celebrate together then get two hats or boxes and put all of the months of the year on tiny slips of paper in one and then the numbers 1 - 31 on slips of paper in the other. Then, as you wear that slinky outfit and whisper sweet-nothings in his year then you pick from one box while be picks from the other. If you get a date such as February 31, then throw the number back and pick again. Then this date can be your randomly chosen date to express your love for no particular reason.

Trust me, it will be easier to book a reservation at your favorite restaurant, find flowers or get the kind of candy you want then anyway. During Valentine's Day all of the stores are sold out because of the frantic men with women who aren't as cool, forgiving and understanding as you are. Trust me on this.