What to Do with His or Her Toothbrush when the Relationship is Over?

At some point, the relationship you've invested in becomes a slumber party. You stay at his place, he stays at yours, and so on. In the interest of hygiene, it often becomes essential to store small items of convenience at your significant other's residence so that the slumber party mood isn't interrupted. These items ensure the comfort of both yourself and your partner, and combat such ails as the infamous "morning breath", or "raccoon eyes", and "five o'clock shadow". As long as you have the pieces of equipment to handle these issues, everybody's happy.

For some, inevitably, the relationship will end. So I pose the question; what do you do with the toothbrush your former partner has left behind? After careful thought and reminiscence, I've come up with a few scenarios, and have established that what is done with the toothbrush after the relationship has ended depends directly on the relationship itself.
1) The Vengeful Toothbrush Disposal - You've broken up, and for a damn good reason. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé/wife/husband/whatever has committed some sort of unforgivable act, which has caused you to vigorously kick them to the curb. You're mad. You're hurt. You have no dignity left. Your self-esteem is in the toilet…and speaking of the toilet, you clean it with said toothbrush. But you don't stop there. The cat litter box, tub drain, car rims, and every other nasty surface you can think of gets the ex-toothbrush treatment. Never mind that you're spreading germs around like the plague, it feels good. You seek pleasure in finding surfaces to clean with it. I think we can all agree that there are certain "levels" of germs in the average household. The kitchen for example is rather germy, yet that doesn't seem to stop many people from abiding by the "5 second rule". You (and by you I mean YOU, not ME) drop food on the floor, and as long as it's scooped up to safety before having lain there for 5 seconds, it's somehow still edible. Now, if this were instead the bathroom floor, I bet many of you would think twice, and most likely throw whatever edible it is that you dropped into the trash. Why? Because the bathroom has different germs than the kitchen. And you know exactly what kind of germs I mean. Back to the toothbrush. There's something degradating about cleaning a surface covered with that nasty type of germ with an appliance formerly used in a very sensitive area where those particularly nasty germs should never ever touch. It's satisfying. And when you've used said brush on each one of those germs in the house, and the bristles are bent and exhausted, you finally allow the brush to retire to its final resting place in the trash. And you do so with a smile on your face.

2) The Denial Toothbrush Disposal - You've broken up, and you're downright devastated. You're in shock, and you can't BELIEVE he/she could break things off with you. You're wonderful! You're fantastic! Your mom says you're a catch! But apparently, none of your wonderful-fantastic-catchiness was enough to keep it going. Clinically, you are depressed. You don't even get out of bed for days to use your own toothbrush, and facing the possibility of dealing with the other one in the holder is overwhelming and thus moves you to tears. Eventually, you're able to get out of bed and address your own hygiene issues, and slowly life starts to take shape again. However, every time you reach for your toothbrush, you refuse to acknowledge the other one still sitting in its little hole next to yours. Days, weeks, months go by, and still the forlorn brush sits in its hole. Its knit itself a little sweater of dust and cat hair, prompting you to move your own toothbrush to an enclosed location away from the open air. And still it sits. By the time it has reached afro status, you've moved on, and one day, you can actually look at it. You can pick it up. You can either remove the dust bunny from its head or leave it…but you know that it's time to let go.

3) The I'm-Never-Throwing-This-Away Toothbrush Disposal - You were the person who was lucky enough to score front row tickets to the U2 concert. Bono breezed by onstage and as he did, he touched your hand. Your eyes glazed over in a far off look of infatuation as you said to the person next to you, "I'm never washing this hand again." You obsess over contact of this kind, and probably have a drawer full of ridiculous tokens and memorabilia chronicling your emotional exploits. The used and discarded rubber bands from the braces of your first crush in the 6th grade that you swooped into the garbage can in 3rd period to retrieve, the beverage napkin from your first date with your first serious relationship, the sock that what's-his/her-name left at your house the one (and only) time he/she spent the night. These odd and often disturbing artifacts of attachments gone by are a vital part of your existence. Reminders of happier times. You're a collector all right. Needless to say, the toothbrush that has been left behind by your former mate earns its very own spot in your Drawer of Detritus. Occasionally you may open the drawer to gaze fondly upon the toothbrush and remember the blissful days of this particular relationship. You may hold it in your hands and remember the time that he/she used it and said through a mouth of toothpaste foam, "Stop looking at me, you're creeping me out"…which in actuality sounded like "Schtop wooking at me, yo cweeping me owt". You smell the toothbrush, and realize immediately that it's a bad idea, as it's emanating a stench worse than any funk you've ever smelled. What do you expect, look what else it's living with in that drawer. The point is that you're not one to let things go. Someday you may need that drawer to make room for more important things in your life. Such as a new and lasting relationship. Or maybe a sweater.

4) The Indifferent Toothbrush Disposal - You've broken up. Sort of. The relationship has just…slipped a few rungs on both of your "to do" lists. Don't ask me how it happens, it just does. Careers, hobbies, friendships, out of town work engagements interfere, and before you know it the sleepovers have dwindled. The toothbrush is used often enough so that it doesn't grow the fro formerly mentioned in breakup #2, yet used so little that you occasionally contemplate its removal. Personally, relationships like this don't deserve a toothbrush. Throw the damn thing in the garbage can and find someone worthy of keeping a dental appliance at your house.

Perhaps if we took care of our teeth as well as we take care of our relationships we'd never be faced with the toothbrush dilemma. Much like we eat things that are really bad for our teeth, so too do we fill our relationships with things that decay it. Lies, secrets, jealousy, etc. Perhaps if we straighten things out with the important people in our lives, retain our loyalty, fill the cavities, and lavish our unions with a healthy dose of attention and fluoride, we'd be okay.