What is Hypomania?

I miss my hypomania
Bi-polar disorder type II is a depressive disorder that includes periods of hypomania. Hypomania can actually be a pleasant state. It's one of those states that are a great place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there. Why wouldn't a person want to live in a place where they feel great? A place where creativity just seems to flow effortlessly and the weather is always great. A place where you feel like you are on top of the world and nobody can knock you down. I used to visit there a lot and everybody I met seemed to like me. Even though they were complete strangers I would engage them in conversation. It was a breeze making new friends. I oozed witty comments and affable affectations like honey from a bear's claw. Living just didn't seem hard. As a matter of fact I couldn't understand why other young mothers didn't just do what I did . Why were they finding it so hard to get a routine down? Why did they need so much sleep? Looking back on those years I must admit that I do miss my hypomania.

What goes up must come down
When I was in a hypomanic state everything in my life just came together in my mind even if it really didn't. Problems were shoved way back on the burner because I was feeling too damn good to deal with them. They would get sugar coated and watered down until they just seeped through the walls and puddled up in the basement. Unfortunately, I had to go down into that basement now and then to do laundry. I became quite adept at stepping over them. Eventually boots weren't enough to get through the puddles. Still, I would smile as I pulled my hip-waders on. That's when they would fill with water. The first time I found myself immobolized by depression I was in shock. It didn't last very long as far as depressions go, only two months. One day I woke up and I felt great again but I did think, "what was that"? I didn't go for help because I felt that my feelings of bleakness had been justified by real problems. Until it happened again. Unable to extricate myself from the mud puddle I went to my doctor. My doctor sent me to a psychiatrist. I learned that eventually what goes up must come down. It was a hard lesson. I had been "up" for years and I didn't know how to separate my hypomanic self from my "real" self.

Will the real Yvette please stand up
Coming to grips with a mood disorder has not been easy. I liked the hypomanic me better than this diluted version. Getting on a mood stabilizer has evened out my moods. The handful of clinical depressions that I have experienced were horrendous. Not just for me either but for my whole family. It scared them and they did not know if I would come out of them. I didn't care if I came out of them at the time. A clinical depression has a way of making large trees and the front of my car want to meet in the worst way. Not that they ever did but the suicide ideation was real. If I picked up a pair of scizzors to put them away an image of my falling on them would pop into my head. So, with treatment the depressions have been kept at bay which is great. No one wants to live in that state believe me. There was no way to keep the elevated mood going and suppress the depression of bi-polar type II for me. The two distinct mood states had to be chemically assimilated somehow. I had to reinvent who I am. Figuring out who I really am is an ongoing process. Am I supposed to be the woman who can work, cook, sew, knit and keep the house clean on five hours of sleep and have a social life? Or am I really the dark, brooding woman that lays awake at night with thoughts that go 'round like a haunted merry go 'round.

I y'am what I y'am
Thankfully, I have accepted that I have bi-polar type II afterall. Most of us don't because the hypomania is greatly missed. The productivity and the feel good emotions that come with it are hard to part with. Our self esteem is tied up in all of that. When we remove that aspect of this disorder we are left with having to rebuild self esteem. Not all creativity has gone out the window for me. It is all still there. I just don't have the boundless energy to harness it and run anymore. On the other hand I can drive just about anywhere and not even see the trees by the side of the road. When I do start a project it may take me longer to complete but I can handle the scizzors without seeing them sticking out of my chest. Will the real Yvette please stand up? Oh, I'm standing and I y'am what I y'am in the immortal words of Popeye. My feet are on the ground for the most part even though my head may miss the clouds.