What to Do If Your Child is a Bully

Your friend is telling you about her child's day at school. Her child has come home crying and distraught. Her child has been demeaned and harassed at school. You share in her frustration and want justice. You wonder what kind of child rearing practices do the monster child's parents engage in. You wonder if the parents are bullies themselves. You shake your head at the children of today and worry about your own child. Then, with a mixture of surprise and shame, you find out that you are the parents of this "monster child."

We have all felt empathy for our children when they are victims. But, what happens when our child is the aggressor? After our denial and embarrassment, we know that we must take action of some kind. Here are some steps to take, if you find out that your child has become a bully. Hopefully, you will find out soon so that you can take steps to eradicate this behavior quickly. It is much easier to break unwanted habits or change behaviors in elementary students than it is in our teenagers. Remember, if you do nothing, it is likely to get worse. We as parents, are responsible for teaching our child what is right and wrong and what is and is not socially acceptable behavior. No one said that parenting was easy.

First, we must realize that there are two types of bullies. There is the serial bully and the situational bully. Situational bullies are easier to recognize and their behavior is easier to redirect. It will take a longer time to change the internal feelings and the external behaviors of serial bullies. A quick description of each is below.

Situational bullies are not bullies all of the time. They bully out of anger or frustration. When the bullies feel as if they have no other option, they begin to manipulate their victims into doing what they feel is the best course of action. This type of bully lacks the social skills and creativity to solve a situation without resorting to manipulation and/or violence.

A serial bully is someone who uses manipulation or violence of some sort on a regular basis to either attain any of their desires or to make themselves feel more powerful or important. This kind of bully feels a high level of inadequacy (which they try to hide) and they are categorized by a low level of empathy for others. This type of bully feels a sense of satisfaction at making another person feel inferior.

Know that the child you see is not often the child that everyone else sees. It is quite probable that your child will act a certain way around you and quite different around other people. The distinction might be between adults and children, or it might be between his/her parents and others. Of course, as parents, we know all of the good qualities and the potential of each one of our children. We want to believe that our children certainly would never hurt or threaten another human being. Unfortunately, this might not be so and ignoring the issue will not assist in solving it. This does not mean that you have taught the child these behaviors. Blaming the parent (unless you engage in such behaviors, yourself) serves no good purpose and will only hinder your action. Of course, if an adult example has contributed to your child's behavior, then you will want to address this situation with your child. By avoiding the issue, you are giving your child silent permission to continue his/her manipulative tactics.

Don't rule out your sweet innocent daughter. Although statistics have shown that bullying is usually done by males, the rate of female bullies is increasing rapidly. girls have been known to be quite aggressive at times, especially to other girls.

One of the hardest things to realize, as a parent, is that our children will make their own choices. Furthermore, many times, these choices and their corresponding behaviors are ones that we find quite objectionable. It is a good idea to communicate with all involved. Sometimes other siblings can give a good prospective about the child's character. The child, himself, will not admit to engaging in such tactics. In fact, the child will probably portray himself/herself as the victim. It is a good idea to find an objective observer. sometimes videotaping your child in certain situations will help. The important thing is that you get an accurate account of the exact problem. when you do understand the situation and if your child is at fault, then it is time to act. Even if you don't feel that your child is at fault (or not the only one at fault) you can still evaluate the situation and talk about any other options that your child could have made. Examine whether those options would probably result in a different outcome.

The first thing to do is to defuse any current unpleasant situations. Talk to your child and understand his/her account of the situation. Explain to them why their manipulative or violent response was not warranted. You will have to confront the victim and their parents. This is often embarrassing for at least the parent and maybe the Child, as well. If it is embarrassing to the child, it is more likely to detour any further bullying behavior.

Help the child understand that their behavior was wrong. apologize to the parent and make your child apologize to the child that they bullied. Repentance includes a commitment that it will not be done again. This is a lesson in repentance that your child must learn. Apologizing is not only good for your child, but it reaffirms to the other child that they did not deserve the kind of treatment that they received from your child and that you and your child recognize that your child was wrong. This type of responsibility is the most difficult for children and parents, but it is crucial to moving forward.

It is also essential that you are able to set boundaries with your child. Let them know exactly which behaviors will not be tolerated. Then, be consistent in your efforts to reinforce such boundaries through stern disciplinary actions. Consistency will help your child develop the concept of consequences.

The interesting thing about bullies is that they are more like their victims than either wants to admit. Many bullies are experiencing a lack of power and try to regain their power at the expense of others. If your child only exhibits these behaviors in specific circumstances, then, you already have a framework for addressing the issue.

Allow your child to talk to you about their feelings of disappointment and inadequacy. Also know that "You," as the parent might be unwittingly adding to those feelings by your actions or expectations. If your child continuously feels that they are disappointing you or falling short of your expectations, it can cause them to obsess on their weaknesses. Putting pressure on your child to succeed might be having a negative effect on him/her. Relax and give your child permission to make mistakes. Always encourage them to do their best, but if their best is not "The best," then, learn to be satisfied with their attempts. This could be difficult for some adults because many of us have been conditioned to be - and want - "the best." Ask your child if you are putting too much pressure on him/her to succeed. Make sure that your child is succeeding at their own interests and not yours. Explore other areas of your child's life where they might feel a loss of power and try to find appropriate ways for them to feel empowered without usurping the power of others.

If your child is a situational bully, it is important to talk about which situations make them feel vulnerable. Discuss such situations and present other options for them to try. then, it just takes practice. Inevitably, there will be a situation or two in the near future for your child to put their newfound skills to work. Since they have a lack of social skills, it will take practice for them to form new ones. Encourage and praise them when they exhibit new behaviors. Understand that they might relapse into their old behaviors from time to time. Remind them of the benefits of the more appropriate behaviors. It is important not to set your child up to be disappointed. Even when they behave in a correct manner, they might not get their desires met. The point of engaging in appropriate behavior is not because you will get what you want more often. It is because bullying is not an appropriate way of dealing with people. While you are working on anger management skills, you can simultaneously teach empathy.

Most bullies have low self confidence. I hesitate to make this statement, because "low self confidence," seems to be the excuse for every kind of emotional problem. However, know that the bully does not recognize his/her good qualities and/or strengths. Often he/she feels inadequate and seeks to level the playing field by making others feel the same. To this end, it is important to help the bully recognize his/her strengths, preferably those that have nothing to do with physical strength at all.

If your child is a serial bully, you will both need to work more diligently to curb this type of behavior. These children usually feel quite inadequate and project their inadequacies onto others. They exhibit behaviors such as persistent manipulation, incessant criticism of others, frequent exploitation of the differences or vulnerabilities of others and a display of enjoyment or satisfaction from their power over someone else. Unfortunately, this is a sign that your child might have antisocial personality traits. People who exhibit some of these traits have an underdeveloped conscience and lack empathy. For this reason, it is very difficult for them to understand why manipulation is not appropriate. However, for the sake of this article, let's assume that your child is not one of these people. Remember, I said "MIGHT." Just because your child is bullying others does not mean that they will grow up narcissistic or antisocial.

A bully needs to understand empathy. Somehow, they can feel the victim status, but not understand how their behavior perpetuates someone else's victimhood. One of the key components of overcoming a bullying attitude is helping your child feel empathy for others and holding your child accountable for their own behavioral choices. They must see each and every situation as an opportunity to make a choice. They must see options within each situation. Talk to your child about the options that he/she has. Remind them that they are responsible for their behavior and the consequences of such actions. Explore what might have happened and how he/she would have felt if they had made a different choice.

Talking is the easy part. Acting is more difficult. Hold your child responsible for their behavior. Each time your child bullies another child, follow a pre-discussed plan of action. This plan should include: a punitive action for their manipulative or violent tactics, an apology to the victim, some type of retribution and a framework for slowly earning back privileges. Removing privileges should be part of the punitive actions taken. After the child realizes that their actions are damaging to someone else, omitting one of these steps will hinder the progress toward an emotionally healthy child. These steps will allow the child to recognize their inappropriate behavior, receive a punishment for that behavior, practice skills of empathy, provide some compensation for his/her actions and slowly rebuild his/her reputation by using positive strategies for conflict resolution.

If your child is use to manipulating either people or situations to obtain their wishes, you will have more of a difficult time in eliminating these destructive behaviors. Examine your family dynamics to find any other ways in which you, your child or another family member engages in manipulation. Be aware that this effects your child's behavior. Parents cannot be hypocrites. They cannot lecture their child on bullying, if they engage in other manipulative tactics (even if those tactics are less overt in nature). We can't change the actions of other adults, however. If it is an extended family member's habit to routinely manipulate, explain your feelings concerning that person.

It seems that many people these days have an attitude of entitlement or justification. As a way of deflecting the seriousness of their own behavior, some people will cite the imperfections or misdeeds of the other people involved. Don't support any excuses for your child's behavior. Similarly, don't allow your child to blame the victim. Make your child own his/her own behavior.

Extricating the bully from your child is a process. It won't happen overnight. However, if you (or someone you trust to give you an objective analysis) do not see any progress within three months, it is recommended that you visit a respected counselor or therapist. Of course, they will instruct you to follow many of the steps that are in this article. However, they might give you more specific ways to address the issue. You should not allow it to continue without seeking some sort of assistance. Hopefully, this article will help you take action so that your child can grow into an emotionally happy adult which is what we all want for our children.