What to Do If Your Child Says They Were Sexually Abused

What to do if a child tells you that they were sexually abused:

1. Believe them. Even if you think they are lying. Most kids are telling the truth. If they aren't, it will usually come out. Kids do make false accusations but it is much more likely that they are telling the truth. If you express disbelief in their statements, it could have a very negative impact on the child. In the case of sexual abuse, believe the child until it is proven otherwise.

2. Reassure the child. It is not their fault. Tell them how much you appreciate them telling you. Tell them you are going to keep them safe. Do as much as you can to comfort them. Do not force them to have contact with their abuser, ever.

3. Do not push this under the rug. Even if the abuser is a family member. Remember, most abusers have more than one victim. My abuser had been accused before.. 20 some years prior. It was dealt with by keeping it quiet and having him move away. All that did was allow more and more children to be abused.

4. If the abused children are your own children and the abuser is a relative, you should still report the incident to DFS. This strikes me as the single most powerful things my parents did. It was saying that I had value, that what he did was not just something to be brushed aside but something that was against the law. Something that had to be dealt with in a grown-up world. My dad used that phrase. We had been brought into a grown up world and after this talking was done, we could go back to being a kid.

5. Do not assume that what your children tell you about the abuse is all that happened. They could very well be blocking out the worst parts or afraid to tell anyone because they feel it is too awful.

6. Because of that, I strongly believe that every child who has been sexually abused should have a physical exam. Yes, I understand that you do not want to inflict more trauma on your child, but think of their long term health. It might very well be traumatic for a 9 year old to have a pelvic exam. It is equally traumatic to for someone to have an impact on their fertility or personal health because of an untreated medical condition that resulted from the abuse.

7. If your child has to testify in court, realize that this is going to be one of the most difficult steps. Also remember that there will be a defense attorney whose job is to make the abuser go free. My brother and I have often talked about one thing from that day. The defense attorney. He asked me every way he could if I was lying, if someone had told me to say what I was saying. It was very hurtful to me. Prepare your children for that.

8. Don't expect there to be signs of abuse. I can't recall doing anything that fits into the stereotypical abused child pattern. Also, don't assume that a lack of emotion regarding the abuse means the child is not harboring deep psychological problems.

9. If your child goes to counseling, try to get them individual sessions. They put my brother, my sister and me all in a room together. We were 13, 11 and 9. Do you think we wanted to talk about our most horrible secrets in front of each other? There can be family counseling, but children need to work on their issues individually and privately.

10. Realize that aftermaths of the abuse are going to be part of your child's life forever. Do not dismiss it when it becomes an issue after they move out of the house, get married, have a baby. Big life events can often bring up traumatic issues. Also, be sensitive to triggers. Triggers are things that remind the child of their abuse. It could be a particular scent or texture. You might think it is silly, but it can often bring back bad feelings or trigger a flashback of the abuse.

11. As your child ages, provide them with information regarding sex. Sexual abuse survivors often become promiscious, as they are used to being known as a sexual object. Also, sexual abuse survivors will often have problems with intimacy in their relationships and marriages. You need to treat the sexual abuse as you would if you had a child with a disease. You would educate them about the impact of their disease throughout their life stages. You should do that with sexual abuse survivors. It will be hard for both of you to discuss it. That is ok. Discuss it anyway.

12. One of the worst side effects of abuse is the shame. If possible, try to provide opportunities for your child to speak to other sexual abuse survivors in group sessions or allow them to read testimonials by those who were abused. Let them know they aren't the only ones. If you can't find anyone, give them my email.

13. As a parent, forgive yourself. Yes, they are your baby. That doesn't mean you could have protected them. Forgive yourself.

14. Don't assume that your child's life is ruined. Being abused does not mean that your child will become an abuser. It does not mean they won't be able to function in a relationship. One in four women experience some type of forced sexual interaction before they are 18. That means there are a lot of abuse survivors out there, leading normal lives. We all might carry a heart full of pain, but we are making it. Your child is strong. They survived this far. They can make it.