What to Do If You Don't Like Your Teenager's Friends

When children are small you can control who they spend their time with and if you don't like their friends you don't arrange play dates. But as your child becomes a teenager you lose that control. So, when you see you child spending time with kids you don't approve of you get very concerned about what they may be doing and where they may be going. The tougher you get the more they rebel. This issue brings families into my office constantly because the fighting becomes intense and the rebellion uncontrollable.

What do you do in this type of situation?

Examine your own motives. Why don't you like these kids? Is it the way they dress? Do you believe they are doing drugs? Do they seem to have 'attitude' which offends you? The answers to these questions are important. Your teen has reached an age where they feel entitled to choose their own friends. They feel mature enough to do so without your permission or approval. When you want to intervene it should only be if there is a concern for their safety. Your teen will feel you don't trust their judgment and aren't giving them the right to make decisions for themselves if you try to control who they befriend.

Why has your child chosen these friends?

It's easy to say that your children are with the wrong kids. But these are the kids they feel comfortable with. Maybe you need to take a really good look at your own child to see why these are they kids they want to be around. If these kids are doing drugs it probably means your kid is too. If they are doing other things you disapprove of then you child is probably doing those things too. Demanding that they stop seeing those friends will increase their rebellion and push them closer to them. Getting your child the help they may need to make better decisions about their lives would work far better. If they need a drug or alcohol program then help them to get into one. If you are concerned about criminal acts then go to a therapist before they are arrested.

You might have to bite your tongue

If the issues are not really serious and you just don't like the look of the group you have every right to express your feelings to your kids. That's what parents are for. And then back off. Let them know you disapprove but be prepared to say why. Small children can be asked to do things with less explanation but teens won't hear a word you say unless you tell them why and your reason makes sense. That 'intuition' that parents have just won't cut it anymore. You're going to have to have a valid reason for them to even pay attention at all.

If your child's choice is not an indication of a more significant problem, then hopefully they will outgrow the group. If it is, then address the problem and not the friends.