What If You Learn Your Teenager is Gay or Lesbian?

What if you learned your teenage son or daughter was gay or lesbian? Would it be your worst nightmare to find out your child was a homosexual? What would it mean for your child? You? Your friends and other family members? Where do you go for help and answers?

A good working definition of homosexuality for our purposes is: the persistent sexual and emotional attraction to someone of the same sex. The actual "causes" of homosexuality are not yet fully understood, but I believe there are a multitude of root causes. Regardless, it's important that you understand that your child's sexual orientation - whether homosexual or heterosexual - is not a matter of choice, just as you did not choose your sexual orientation. It's also important for you to understand that homosexual orientation is not a mental disorder. That being said, however, I believe we all have a choice about how we express our sexual orientation in terms of our behavior and manner of living.

Virtually all children explore and experiment sexually. Some experiment and explore with members of the same sex, as well as with the opposite sex. It's also not unusual for exploration to occur between children of similar age within the same family. Regardless, sexual experimentation of this nature is an important aspect in forming your child's sexual identity and is not necessarily an indicator that he or she is either homosexual or heterosexual. However, for many teens, including your own child, sexual thoughts, feelings or attraction toward someone of the same sex can be very disconcerting and cause for various fears and feelings of confusion and isolation.

For most gay and lesbian individuals, they first became aware of and experienced their sexual thoughts and feelings during childhood and adolescence. Although society's attitude toward sexuality has been helpful in making gay and lesbian teens feel less isolated, you play perhaps the most important role in how your child deals with his or her homosexual feelings and orientation.

To begin with, if your teenager is gay or lesbian, you can be certain they have struggles beyond those all teenagers face, including feelings of guilt about their sexual attractions, fear of being rejected by you and other family members and friends, fear of being teased, harassed and ridiculed by their peers and knowing they are "different" from their peers.

What often comes with social isolation is low self-esteem and depression, sometimes including thoughts of suicide. It's critical that you be watchful for signs that your child is in distress because gay and lesbian youth account for a significant number of deaths by suicide during adolescence.

So what, specifically, can you do? No doubt you will initially have a hard time accepting that your child is gay or lesbian - probably for the same reason your teen has a hard time accepting his or her sexual attraction to teens of the same sex. Although it may be tempting to either lash out in anger or try to convince your child that it's "just a phase," resist doing either. Most important is that you come to understand you teen's sexual orientation and get yourself to the place where you can provide strong emotional support. That may mean seeing a counselor or therapist. I also strongly encourage you to find a chapter of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), where you and other family members can gain tremendous understanding and support.

It's also important that you not "out" your child to others. Your child should be allowed to decide on their own when and to whom they will disclose their homosexuality. Some have taken the "don't ask, don't tell" approach. Others have found that disclosing their homosexuality is based on the "need to know." Regardless of what your child decides, it his or her decision to make.

Finally, counseling for your child may be helpful in terms of helping him or her understand their sexual orientation and to clarify their feelings. A good counselor can also help your son or daughter adjust to their homosexuality, not just personally, but within the family and their school.

Although some parents have sought therapy for their children in hopes of changing their sexual orientation, I strongly recommend against that approach. Forcing a child to undergo such therapy often creates even more confusion and anxiety, including a lifetime of self-hatred and feelings of failure and guilt.

If you have questions or concerns about the sexual orientation of someone in your family or a close friend, a good place to start is PFLAG at www.pflag.org.