What Can You Do If Your Life is Falling Apart?

"I don't want to do this anymore"! Is this your daily mantra? It used to be mine. My eyes would fly open in the morning and that would be my first thought of the day. Before my feet even hit the floor I was talking myself out of any shred of positive energy. Did I have a reason to want to give up? That all depends on which year I rewind to. I have seen more adversity in just under fifty years than some people see in a lifetime. It took me quite a few years to acknowledge the truth of that. I loved living in denial. It was how I coped with the crisis at hand at any given time. I wasn't denying the existence of a problem. I was denying it's effect on me. My smiling face and humorous attitude was something I put on daily with my make-up. It was sprayed on like hairspray every morning so I could face the world. Then little by little the mantra started to insinuate itself into my head. Underneath the smile and the jokes was the thought, that I really did not want to do this anymore. It was subtle at first. Quiet, like a whisper that I had to strain to hear. The thought would shock me. Instantly it produced a feeling of guilt. For a long time I would try to reason with myself. "What do you mean, you don't want to do this anymore", "this is your life, who else is going to do it"? My life was falling apart again and again and I finally had succumbed to the stress.

"Honey, I Don't Know How You're Still Standing"
It was probably during one of the most stressful times as a mother that I cracked. One of my adult kids was in rehab in another state. "Rehab". One of my four children was in a drug rehab. How hard was that to type? This is the first time I have ever put those words into print and sent them out into the world. My life was falling apart again. It took the words of one of my sisters to shake me out of it. My son had been gone for about a week at that time. I was standing in her kitchen and laughing about something and she just stared into me. She didn't stare at me. Her eyes bore into that secret place that whispered, "I don't want to do this anymore". I heard her ask me how I was still standing. "What do you mean"? I answered. She said, "honey, I don't know how you're still standing". It hit me all at once. I didn't know how I was still standing myself. Day in and day out I was telling myself that I didn't want this life anymore but it was the only life I had. It was a life of worry and shame. It was a life of wondering when the good stuff was going to happen. It was a life that I began to dread.

Time To Pick Up The Pieces
It took almost a third of my life to learn that no matter what is happening I have choices. People can choose to stay stuck or they can choose to move forward. Staying stuck is comfortable and familiar. Moving forward is uncertain and may be painful. A few days after that conversation with my sister I chose to get unstuck. I looked back and saw all I had lived through. I saw what I wouldn't let go of and therefore could not heal from. At some point after a review of the staggering adverse life events I knew I had to pick up the pieces of my life and do much more than cope. Coping means to be struggling and contending with something. I didn't want to struggle through life. Who wants "she contended and struggled through life" on a tombstone? I wanted to live and be happy. I didn't want to be afraid of scissors anymore. I always pictured myself falling on them whenever I picked them up. I found myself a good psychiatrist. I needed help getting myself back together. I also needed some medication. Picking up the pieces for me meant not picking all of them up. Some weren't mine to begin with. I left those on the floor. A good counselor helped me figure out what was mine to carry and what belonged to someone else.

I Can Do This!
I began to separate the past from the present. The past will always be a part of who I am but I don't live there anymore. I live in the now. Today, this moment is the only place anyone ever really lives. If you don't, you miss so much of your real life. I greet each day now with a new mantra. "Another new day, I can do this, thank-you God"! It's not that my problems relented at all. My children have grown and recovered in their own way. I have two wonderful grandchildren now that add immense joy to our lives. The, "I can do this" attitude stayed with me through a bout with cancer. You can get through things even when you are scared. My husband is battling his own serious illness today and unable to work. The more adversity I face and put behind me the more I trust myself. I know now that I am a strong person. I have learned that fear and worry are emotions. I can feel those emotions but I don't have to let them rule me. I can do 'this" meaning, I can live this life with all of it's challenges and I can enjoy it at the same time. There are always parts of your life that are good and worth putting emphasis on no matter what your situation. Look for them and add them up. You may be surprised to find there are more good things than you thought.

Falling Apart Is Usually a Family Affair
Falling apart is usually a family affair. I had been relentlessly trying to patch everyone else up and smooth things over. It was exhausting. I wore myself down to a frazzled nub. My life became a constant effort to fix things for people that I could not fix. I was trying to do the impossible and wondering why it wasn't working. The only pieces I could pick up were my own. I sifted through them all during my process of healing. What did not belong to me was left for the rightful owner to take care of. Some days I walk through the house tempted to pick up bits that I feel are being neglected or trampled on but I don't do it. I never want to go back to feeling like, "I can't do this anymore". Especially when I am stopping someone else from learning that they can do it for themselves.