What If Road Signs Meant What They Said?

Road signs were never made to be taken literally. If they had, we would all be in some serious trouble. Those of us who fall into the category of "concrete thinker" would inevitably drive about endlessly, struggling to interpret these seemingly informative signs that adorn roads both near and far.

Some signs would need no explanation, and would thus be easily interpreted. For example, one that states the speed limit. Okay, do not go over that number. Simple. Or perhaps one that reminds you of no parking. Again, easy. Just do not park your car near that sign and all will be well.

However, some signs would cause devious trickery, and would leave the interpreter to make some odd inferences, or, even worse yet, some strange judgments. Consider the following sign: NO DUMPING. To any regular person, the sign lets us know that we should not leave garbage or any scrap material along side the road. What if, however, someone interpreted this sign differently? Observing the rule of the sign with any interpretation is fine, but what if someone tried to break the rule? Forget about people tossing coffee cups out the window or even leaving refrigerators on the curb. Be more concerned with the three teenagers who drop their pants and actually take dumps on the sidewalk. How gross and unsanitary is it to see people defecating underneath a sign that urges them not to dump. While seeing it occur-people with pants around their ankles, shirts pinned up, and pushing as hard as possible as excrement finds its way into our previously well-scented world-is bad enough, the aftermath would prove horrifying. Small piles huddling around each sign, some shaped like soft-serve ice cream and others flattened like grandma's pancakes. No matter how you view it, this sign stinks.

Next, reflect on the signs that want you to be cautious but, in reality, add to the sexism that hinders our society. CAUTION MEN AT WORK lets drivers know that construction crews will soon appear, so watch out. Yet, interpret it literally and you put women in considerable danger. According to the wording, only be cautious when men are working. If you see a woman hard at work, throw caution to the wind, slam the pedal to the floor, and buzz her as close as you can, all the while whistling your best cat call. Do not hesitate to play slalom with the female flag operators. Do not waver in your attempts to slightly clip the bottom of the thirty-foot ladder being used by the woman working for the telephone company. Do not think twice about laying on your horn just as you get close to the woman public works officer bending over the open manhole trying to hear her partner speaking.

Not all signs, however, insult people. Take, for example, your average STOP sign. A bright, almost fire engine red, serves as the eight-sided backdrop for four bold white capital letters: S-T-O-P. The clarity and decisiveness with which the sign appears leaves little doubt that you better stop that vehicle. But, if taken literally, this sign could cause chaotic back-ups and monumental traffic snarls. The sign offers no extension of action; it just tells you to stop, but it does not release you. Unlike its much more advanced cousin, the traffic light, the stop sign does not provide a warning or a bright happy verde that says "go about your way". No, instead, it acts like a third world dictator or some overbearing step-parent refusing to allow any flexibility in the rules.

People who have learned to follow orders and ask no questions, such as infantry men, may struggle against the natural urge to move forward in their cars as countless horns honk at them from behind. Folks with processing disorders may very well just sit there waiting for it to turn green, oblivious to the cacophony surrounding them. Indecisive people my sit and sweat as irate drivers hurl ungodly obscenities at them through the back windshield. Those riddled by anxiety, scared to disappoint their parents by breaking rules, might squeeze that steering wheel and scream. In any event, the sign's abrupt nature, if seen only for what it says, could create long lines of forever frustrated people who thought they would get there on time.

Although the stop sign family can generate some concern, the largest problem arises when dealing with signage that describes children. In a time that encourages equality and inclusion, road signs have never been made to change to reflect our new values. Take, for instance, the "SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY" sign. Some sign designer thought it would be efficient or cute to leave out the needed comma or period. With that decision, the insults begin. According to this, only mentally challenged children live in this area and are currently at play. As a driver, do not bother to watch out for those "normal" children running about because evidently they are unable to be injured by a speeding car, but rather focus on the ones who are somehow mentally disabled. Let's make this sign neon yellow and almost three feet tall to remind those kids just how bad they have it. Nice job with that one. A few years from now, when those kids grow into adults, the sign will need to be changed. If the same clueless guy designs it, it may read something like "Slow demented adults playing Othello and Jarts ahead".

Now, if it is not enough to label these children on their home streets, signs continue to plague them at the one place they should feel ultimately safe: school. Drive toward a school and you will inevitably see, about a quarter mile or so out, a sign that designates it as a "SLOW SCHOOL ZONE". These signs, much like the SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY sign, exist as disrespectful and mean. Obviously the slow kids who are at play need to go to school somewhere, but why has that same inept sign designer feel the tragically cold reason to follow them here?. Evidently it is okay to have a school solely for "slow" kids. All kids should be included together with no one left out. But, if these signs have their way, we will forever be a divided society, only informed of when to drive carefully if a slow child is in the area. Otherwise, drive like a nut. So sad.

Once you arrive at the school, think about the highly inappropriate sign that normally finds its place close to the front door. Eclipsing the signs designating the principal's and the nurse's reserved spots stands a proclamation as insulting as it is confusing. The sign itself reads RESERVED PARKING. While this is all well and good, the problem begins with the associated picture. Below the words is an image of a wheelchair. Certainly this cannot mean handicapped, for not all disabled people use wheelchairs. If interpreted literally, only people who push themselves to school in wheelchairs may park here. And if this is the case, why make the space so big? Is it to make them feel small? Why not divide it so multiple chairs can fit? Why not provide it with a small awning, much like the carriage returns at shopping malls, because no wheelchair I have ever seen has a roof to protect the occupant during inclement weather? Think about how frantic a driver gets when he is in a store, sees the rain coming down, and realizes he has left his windows open. Not fun at all, is it?

Take it a step farther. If the wheelchair must park there, how does the person get inside the building? Does the space come with concierge service to carry him to his classes? Or must he instead crawl across the parking lot, playing frogger with oncoming cars and buses? To put it mildly, the sign is an incredible misrepresentation of what the true intent is.

Keeping in line with the school theme, yet another sign that will grace the roads leading up to an academic institution is the famous DRUG-FREE SCHOOL ZONE. Clearly meant to proclaim to all that this area where children play and learn has a pure, untouched foundation free from drugs of any kind, the sign has a genuine purpose. No marijuana, cocaine, crack, LSD, PCP, or heroine has found its dirty little way into the school. But, let's think about what a more literal interpretation of this sign offers. While its intent to put the public at ease and assure its students seems noble, what it misses is potentially troublesome. If the area inside the signs is drug free, what about just on the other side of the sign? Picture this: A student, fresh out of his junior Chemistry class, walks with his monogrammed backpack, collared polo, and mauve corduroys along the street within the sunny drug free zone. But, as soon as he reaches the sign and crosses an inch beyond its invisible border, he throws down the bag, rips it open, pulls out a large multi-colored bong, and does his best impression of Michael Phelps. Sitting criss-cross applesauce, he smokes up and waits for his friends to leave the drug free zone and join him. Feeling assured that he has not broken a rule, he leans against the sign and blows the pot high into the air and smiles. Thus the sign implies that only a small portion of the city or town is drug free. Everything else is open season. Go figure.

So, these signs are all inappropriate and hurtful if left to a literal interpretation. Any parent would be angered to no end if his child was treated in such a manner, not to mention the time it took him to navigate through eleven stop signs, four no dumping messes, and a caution for only men working on the way to school to get him. But, for the father who is highly frustrated by what these signs are doing to his life and kids, there does exist one sign that will make his car tires screech to an abrupt stop, force him out of the car in record time, coerce him to begin unbuttoning his shirt and scan the surroundings for what it promised: 3-WAY.If we interpreted road signs literally, we would all be headed in seriously different directions. Some signs are actually tremendously insulting to certain segments of the population