What It's like to Stutter

I'm not writing this for sympathy but I know that's how it'll look so I apologize in advance. I just thought people might want to get a look inside what goes on in the head of someone who can't always get the words out.

I like to go to Panchero's for lunch during a hard work day. It's a Mexican restaurant, one of those places where you walk down an assembly line telling the various cooks what to put on your creation. But I have a really hard time ordering a burrito. The word "burrito" itself is no problem, although sometimes I can get stuck on the "b" (imagine pressing your lips together to say "bee" but not being able to un-press them... they kind of get physically stuck. I avoid this sometimes by saying "urrito," because most people will hear "burrito" anyway.)

The problem comes when they ask "chicken or steak?" You see, I really want chicken. Steak on a burrito is nasty, but I've had it a few times just because eating steak is less embarrassing than trying to say "chicken." But I really want my chicken so sometimes I have to endure the embarrassment of pounding on the counter, stammering "ch-ch-ch-ch-ch," or just pointing and saying "that one."

Wikipedia: Much of what constitutes "stuttering" cannot be observed by the listener; this includes such things as sound and word fears, situational fears, anxiety, tension, self-pity, stress, shame, and a feeling of "loss of control" during speech.

We all have things that scare us, and because we are scared by those things we avoid them. Imagine what it's like to have a phobia of a certain word. Your own name, for example. You can't really avoid saying your name. I've learned how I can coax my name out (usually I always preface it by saying "my name isadam..." thereby avoiding the 'a' sound), but as a child this was really rough. Whenever a substitute teacher showed up I was stricken with fear because, unlike my real teacher who my parents talked to about my condition beforehand, this one had no idea and had no qualms about calling on me in class and asking what my name was. "You there... your name is....?"

"Uhm, what?"

"I said, what's your name?"

"Sorry, what?"

Firmly: "Your name, please."

Some of my fondest memories of elementary school involve people who'd speak up and say "that's Adam," before I had a chance to answer. I can't be sure why they did it, but I don't think it was because they knew I stuttered (although who knows, it could be). I wish they'd have volunteered to read out loud when the teacher decided she wanted to go around the room and read a book. They never did, so before it was my turn I usually just went home sick.

Some people say that stuttering is an emotional disorder and it's caused by some underlying emotional trauma. I can't really put much credence into that and neither has any self-respecting researcher on the subject. Personally, I think it has to do with the muscles that are associated with speech and how they move. I went to a three-week "speech rehab" center my freshman year of high school where they retrained people how to speak, reconditioning the muscles so they didn't lock up. (I was the only one whose treatment didn't work.) Then again, according to my mom, my stuttering started around the time my parents got divorced, so I haven't ruled out the possibility that it is all mental. I can't remember that far back.

I've read books and seen literature with titles like "Advice for Those Who Encounter Stutterers." Most of the advice is, "do not finish their sentences," or "do not say things like 'it's ok,' or 'slow down.'" The last one is absolutely true but I will tell you to completely ignore the first one. If you ever see someone who you think stutters (if you have doubts, they probably do), please finish their sentences. It's a relief.

Some people think stuttering is funny and I admit that when you really look at it, I guess it kind of is. Seeing somebody trying to say a simple word but contorting their face or stretching out syllables just looks funny. Ace Ventura was pretty successful, after all. But I guess it's kind of like laughing at someone in a wheel chair when they can't get onto the sidewalk because the curb is too big, or laughing at a retarded boy because he looks funny wearing a helmet all the time.

Wikipedia: Anxiety, low confidence, nervousness, and stress do not cause stuttering, although they are very often the result of living with a highly stigmatized disability.