What John McCain Believes In

Senator John McCain has long been hailed as the resolute maverick of the Republican Party, the one voice of reason willing to stand up to an irrational administration, a reliable defender of the faith, always striving for what he truly believes to be 'the right thing'. Whether we agreed with him or not, his unwavering valor has always been worthy of our respect.

But, over the last few months, McCain has largely abandoned his post. He's flipped and flopped enough to make John Kerry look like the Old Man of the Mountain. Maybe he thinks that being straight with America didn't end well for him in 2000, so now he'll try something else. Maybe he thinks that he's doomed either way. Maybe his mind is going the way of Reagan, and taking the "Straight Talk Express" with it.

Whatever the reason, McCain's antics have left a lot of us very confused. He seems to be moving to the Right and to the Left at the same time, and doesn't have a clear position on any issue of importance (except committing to 1,000 years of occupation in Iraq). So, to clear things up, both for those of us who have yet to decide on a candidate, and for those of us who have already settled on McCain (even though he can't seem to settle on anything himself), here's a recap of his current standings (watch carefully: these might change at any time).

* McCain was against domestic drilling, especially in national parks and nature preserves. Now, he's in favor of it.

* McCain believed that abortion was appropriate in cases of incest and rape, or when the mother's life was at stake. Now, he doesn't.

* He stood against Bush's "indefinite" detention of possible terrorists, stating that America believed in a system of "innocent until proven guilty". But, when the Supreme Court came to the same conclusion, he called it "one of the worst decisions in the history of this country."

* He supported opening up a dialog with Hamas and Syria. Now, he doesn't.

* He used to decry Bush's illegal wiretapping program, on the grounds that it was illegal. Now, he's all in favor of government efforts to break its own laws, as long as a decent 'national security' excuse can be thought of.

* He is both for and against the privatization of Social Security.

* He is both for and against the 'death tax'.

* He used to oppose Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy, even stating that "trickle down" economics "do not work". Now, he supports them.

* He is both for and against penalizing the oil companies for price fixing, price gouging, and, lately, market manipulation.

* McCain used to want to "normalize" our relationship with Cuba. Now, he doesn't.

* He is both for and against storing nuclear waste at Yucca Mountain.

* He is both for and against the USA PATRIOT Act, No Child Left Behind, and the Kyoto Treaty, among other things.

* He now opposes lobbying reform legislation that he himself drafted.

* He both welcomes and denies the endorsement of radical hate-monger Rev. John Hagee.

* He is both for and against attacking Barack Obama over his own radical preacher controversy.

* He believed that Rev. Jerry Falwell, who said "America deserved 9/11", is an "agent of Intolerance"... until he decided that getting the man's endorsement was more important.

* He is both for and against efforts to clean up America, the climate, and oil-spill stricken wildlife.

* He spearheaded efforts to raise cigarette taxes and promote health programs in 1998. Now, he opposes cigarette tax increases, has hired lobbyists from Philip Morris as members of his campaign staff, and opposes a regulation bill that he himself co-authored.

* He is both for and against earmarks, including for his own state.

* He believes that waterboarding is torture - and that it isn't.

* He co-sponsored the DREAM Act (giving citizenship to the children of illegal aliens, if they finish High School). He now opposes his own bill.

* He has vowed to vote against his own immigration reform bill.

* He is both for and against efforts to overturn Roe vs. Wade.

* He is firmly against gay marriage, which he used to strongly support.

* He is both for and against "aggressive tactics" to "roll-back" rogue nations.

* In 2003, McCain called the Iraq strategy "a mission accomplished". In 2004, he said "we're on the right course". In 2005, he said "we will have made a fair amount of progress if we stay the course". Today, he says he has "always" been the "greatest critic" of the failed Iraq strategy - while vowing to continue the effort.

* In 2000, he accused Charles Wyly of being corrupt and donating "dirty money" to Bush's campaign, even going so far as to file a complaint against him for violating campaign finance law. This year, he asked for Wyly's support, and happily accepted his money.

* McCain now opposes the McCain campaign finance reform bill.

* McCain was against campaigning at the religious-extremist Bob Jones University - before he was for it.

* He is both for and against ethanol.

* In 2000, he refused to work with Henry Kissinger, saying he "would taint the image of the 'Straight Talk Express'." Kissinger is now co-Chair of the New York campaign effort.

* McCain has recently stated, depending on who he's talking to, that the economy is both better and worse than it was before Bush.

* He said that he considered running with John Kerry himself in 2004, and that he never considered it.

And this isn't even the half of it (but I'm getting too sick to my stomach to keep writing). It just goes to show that that the term "unwavering" has fallen victim to the same villainous re-definition that brought us "freedom fries", changed the Iraqi Army into an "insurgency", and lowered poverty rates by moving the income line. It's enough to make one wonder whether any other candidate can ever match up with that kind of "integrity".