What I Know About the Personal Quest Toward Happiness

Some people who know me might find it odd, my writing an article on happiness.

As I've mentioned before, however, sometimes those who struggle with something, those who have to try a little harder, might have some insight to share.

Years ago, just after the separation that led to my divorce (when I was ridiculously young) my friend gave me my first self help book. It was "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," by Susan Jeffers. As that was over a decade ago, I remember very, very little of the book. I lent it to a woman who needed it and never saw it again. Perhaps I should revisit it. There is one key aspect I remember about the book, though I'm sure so many years later I don't recall it as it was in the book, as I've tailored it to be my own.

The happiness pie chart.

At the time what I had learned, coming out of a bad relationship that had been all consuming, that was at the end of that relationship my life was certainly going to feel completely all in shambles and entirely empty. Of course, any break up is upsetting and the recovery time can feel very surreal; the difference, however, lays in the how much the relationship had dominated your life. If you are the type of woman or man who completely surrenders your identity to the "we" of a relationship, then not only are you setting yourself up for a disaster (this is most often the case) then when the disaster hits, you, yourself, can expect to become a disaster. Why? Because you have nothing else to make up your "you."

The same scenario can happen to someone who sinks all of their self into a job. Should the job come to an end, so does the identity of the person. Or, as people age, having spent years in this role, they might abruptly wake up some morning and feel lost, personally. Like a mother who devoted every bit of herself to her children and family during their formative years, then when they are grown she wonders, "who am I?" Not to mention, of course, the damage that might be done as she attempts to retain control. Retirees often have a very hard time with their transition when they've spent years "as the job."

The happiness pie chart is very simple. It is a way to diagram the aspects of your life and what part of you that you choose to devote to each. Examples are family, career, education, spiritual growth, self improvement, long term projects, finance and investments, etc. Your pie chart might have five slices. It might have twenty. We're each different and we want and need different things. But you should realize it if you've no slices in your pie.

It is imperative while drawing up such a visual tool to ask the difficult yet crucial questions. Do you have a job or a career? Which do you prefer? It is perfectly acceptable to answer, "job." Many, many people are happy with a job in which they spend eight hours a day, clock in, clock out, get paid, and then get on with what is more important to them. It is perfectly noble and respectable. The more dominant slices of their pie are family, perhaps a hobby or travel, intimate relationships and so forth. It is up to each individual to decide what's important for them.

Did you answer "career?" If you did, have you decided what steps you need to take to get what you want? Perhaps another slice of your pie should be "education." And in saying that, it is my own personal belief that the people who are most fulfilled are those who have made the commitment to lifelong learning. This does not necessary have to take place at an institution, such as a college or university.

Do you have the people in your life that you want in your life? What types of people would you like to get to know? Often in diversifying our social circles, we feel more enriched and in getting to know several people who are very different from each other and from ourselves, we actually become better acquainted with ourselves. It is my fantasy to someday gather all of the unique, dissimilar people that I know in a dinner party scenario. I would just sit back and watch the show!

What do you want to be involved in? In my own quest for personal growth, I had a surprise desire to become a real part of my community, an active member. Never before had I thought I wanted that. As a theater minor, it was recommended to me that I become involved with a local theater group and get to know how a community theater functions; I became a board member and today am Vice President. I've met some fascinating people that I'd not have met in, say, my job or my classes. And in taking on a role such as that, I began to see myself in a new light. In taking that one step, I began to see that I had a greater capacity than I had previously realized.

What are the things you want? Actually planning and working on obtaining goals should be a piece of your pie chart. Although it might not be part of your daily life, if there is something you want badly (for some it is home ownership, for some it's travel, etc.) then it should be a slice of your pie.

As you begin to make a visual chart of your life and map out what is important in it, other things begin to happen. Your self worth gets a boost. You become more excited and passionate about things; we begin to realize that the more we do and the more we work toward improving ourselves, the greater we acknowledge our abilities to be. We become less self-conscious. We look back on something we do with ease (perhaps speaking at functions for an organization to which we belong) and say to ourselves, "wow, five years ago I'd never have thought that I could do this!"

Most importantly, when we grow in such a manner and truly establish our identity, create a life that is truly fulfilling, when something is lacking it isn't so devastating. For example, if someone is missing something in their life which they regard as highly important, such as a romantic relationship, they'll be less affected by the feeling of something missing if their life holds other treasures (not to mention they're less likely to become obsessive). It's sometimes funny how things happen; this is actually the person that is most likely to find what they want. Loss is also more tolerable; with the exception of the death of a loved one, most other loss is more easily rebounded from when a person has a healthy "pie chart."

I can't promise that in following my advice you'll become happy. But I have a hunch you'll be on your way.