What I Learned in Kindergarten

Remember Robert Fulghum? If the name is not familiar, perhaps the title All I Really Needed to Know I Learned In Kindergarten may ring a bell. It was a big best-seller in a kinder and gentler era, and its cheerful musings still occasionally pop up on page-a-day calendars, posters, and even T-shirts sold in those catalogs you tend to get unasked-for in the mail toward the end of the year in preparation for the holiday gifting season.

Well, Mr. Fulghum isn't the only one who took notes in kindergarten. Look at all the things I learned, observed, or surmised--and probably you did, too--when I was supposed to be taking a nap:

Never argue with people bigger than you, for they are always right, even when they're not.

Holding hands with strangers is icky: satisfying relationships take time.

Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to sleep, especially when someone is forcing you to try.

The alleged differences between boys and girls is mainly hype.

Adults don't always tell the truth, but expect you to.

Life isn't fair. Sometimes a kid is rewarded for doing something another kid would be punished for. And vice versa.

Several conflicting theories of where babies come from, the most implausible of which turns out to be the real deal.

Homeland security: nobody likes a tattletale except those to whom the tale is tattled.

If an item is pronounced "cool" by its advertisers, you must have one.

Other kids' home lives somehow never seem "real."

If you're picked on or bullied, it's your own fault for being "different."

How to be called a smart-ass: make a perfectly valid, rational argument that a grownup has no answer nor contradiction for.

The other side of the room/school bus/playground is always the fun side.

Eating too many sweets makes you sick. But it's worth it.

Being "just curious" entitles you to poke into all sorts of none of your business.

Getting into trouble, like most things, is more fun when you have a friend to do it with.

Violence is funny, as long as it happens to other people.

Saying "Just kidding" (even when you aren't) allows you to heap verbal abuse on others with impunity.

There are simply some situations in life to which the only workable reaction is to wet one's pants.

A sense of discovery beats the hell out of the much-touted "sense of wonder" any day.

"Nice" equals "dork."

Getting good grades is not the same thing as learning.

WHAT KEVIN DAWSON LEARNED WHEN HE GOT OLDER

Hard work and perseverance do not guarantee success. But at least they keep you busy.

You lose more friends by telling the truth than by lying.

It's the people with the least reason to do so who feel the sorriest for themselves. Isn't that interesting?

Never say "It's never too late" unless you actually know a fifty-year-old working child star.

Proponents of plain (unpretentious, non-euphemistic, calling things by their proper names) rhetoric frequently quote "my dad, who passed away a while back" (not "my father, who died recently").

Beware the charming people. They'll rob you blind and have you apologizing for their having had to go to the trouble.

A 60-year-old is capable of being every bit as rude and naughty as a 6-year-old.

How to turn hypothesis into fact, or myth into reality: preface the hypothesis or myth with: "Studies show" or "Everybody knows"

Despite popular belief, not everybody was meant to wear blue jeans.

An optimist is someone who says "I believe people can do whatever they set their minds to do," then refuses to flap his arms and fly around the room to prove it.

Praying, like having fun, doesn't count unless enough people see you doing it.

You know you're mature when you ask Santa Claus for dry cleaning.

People who tell others to be patient should be made to sit on a hard chair alone in an otherwise empty, windowless, white-painted room for an indefinite period of time.

People older than you no longer seem proportionately smarter.

"That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" isn't true. Anyway, sometimes it kills you.

Never say "It's like old times," because that makes it stop being like old times.

Every time a door closes, a new edition of Windows comes out.