What to Do when Your Loved One is a Victim of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a series of actions which are used to exert power and control over a cohabitant, spouse, ex-spouse, fiancé, boyfriend, or girlfriend. This relationship abuse takes on a variety of forms, but the most typical ones are emotional, sexual, and physical. Although domestic violence is generally thought of as a "female issue," statistics are now showing that men are often victims of relationship abuse as well. Abuse does not target one specific gender, race, age, education level, or economic status. It can happen to anyone. In fact, according to a recent study conducted by the U.S. Department of Justice, approximately 1.5 million women and 835,000 men are reported battered each year. Data from the Domestic Violence Resource Center (taken from (Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence, 2006) also suggests that three out of four Americans personally know someone is, or has been, a relationship abuse victim. With statistics like these, it is likely that you know at least one person who is a victim of domestic violence. So what should you do if you suspect friend, coworker, or family member is being abused?

When you recognize warning signs that a loved one might be in an abusive situation, it is often difficult to know how to handle it. Should you help, confront the abuser, report it, or simply mind your own business?

Do Your Research and Know the Facts
Don't make a decision without first learning the facts about abuse. Gather information and seek out resources available for domestic violence victims. Many public libraries offer books, pamphlets, and other reading materials on abuse. Showing your friend or family member hard facts will help him or her understand the abusive situation and the gravity of it more than merely sharing your opinions.

Verbalize Your Concern
Express your concern for the safety of your friend or family member. Reaffirm to your friend that the abuse is not her fault, nor is it her responsibility to stop it. The responsibility of the abused is only to find protection and get away from the abuse. Victims of abuse may already feel they are to blame for the situation and may be afraid to share many details. Don't push and be careful not to accuse the victim or make it about his or her actions instead of the actual abuse. Doing so will only emphasize what the victim has been hearing from the abuser. Reiterate that domestic violence is not about anything the victim has said or done to upset the abuser. Every act of abuse is a conscious choice the abuser makes to dominate. Open the lines of communication, and let your come to you when ready to share.

Offer Support and Maintain Contact
Stay in contact with your friend. Speak with him or her regularly to make sure things are okay. Offer a code word or phrase to be used in an emergency situation. For example, your friend telling you over the phone that "the neighbor's dog ran away last night" might really signify the need to exit the situation immediately and meet you at a predetermined location.

It may be frustrating and hard for you to understand why your loved one would stay in an abusive relationship, but try to be patient. It may take some time before your friend feels prepared to leave and your impatience will only further pressure the situation. In the meantime, continue to offer reassurance of your support and do not give up.

Create a Safety Plan with Your Friend
Suggest to your friend that he or she make a personal safety plan, and offer your assistance in creating one. A safety plan should cover topics such as community and legal resources, contact numbers for assistance, a list of safe places to go, noticeable patterns in the abuser's behavior, and a safe hiding spot for money, spare keys, medications, and important documents needed if a quick escape is necessary.

Seek Professional Help
As much as you wish to help your friend or family member, the need may go beyond what you are equipped to handle. Enlist the assistance of local crisis hotlines, shelters, and support groups to help your friend and keep him or her safe. Provide numbers to these National Domestic Abuse Hotlines: National Sexual Abuse Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE, National Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-799-SAFE, and National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474.

If you know or suspect a friend, coworker, or family member is being abused, please take action. His or her safety, and life, may depend on it.

Sources:
"Domestic Violence Statistics" from the Domestic Violence Resource Center
"Develop a Safety Plan" by Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness
"Getting the Facts: Research About Domestic Violence Against Men"by Men's Activism
"How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship" by Women Helping Battered Women