What Makes a Good Boyfriend?

A good friend of mine posed a very thought provoking question in her blog not too long ago: What does being a good boyfriend mean? Synchronistically enough, I'd participated in a blog discussion the day before concerning why 70% of the female population is single/unmarried, in which one of the "reasons" I offered was unrealistic ideals of what a man/boyfriend is. Another reason, which goes hand in hand with my point, was unrealistic ideals of what a relationship is. As a result of these two discourses my journalistic nature was piqued, so I consulted an expert (my boyfriend, of course), read a couple of articles and conducted a very small random poll (I asked my 17 year old daughter her opinion) only to come up with this answer: there is no such thing as a "good boyfriend". There are "good for me" boyfriends, "good for you" boyfriends, "good for her" boyfriends and "good for them" boyfriends, but by general definition, a good boyfriend is as mythological as the Manipogo. As two readers of my friend's blog stated, the things that determine a good boyfriend are your personal relationship preferences, your life direction, and the attributes you think will enhance those things. From my point of view, a "good for me" boyfriend is (in no order of specific importance, except the first one):

father figure material,

someone who listens as much they speak ,

willing to support as much as they depend,

flexible yet resolute when need be,

secure enough in himself to be himself ,

able to allow me to be myself,

willing to compromise some behaviours ,

trust worthy and trusting,

able to identify just when it's time to grow from one point to another and adjusts well to change,

strongly spiritually grounded,

willing to learn as much as he's willing to teach,

patient and has stamina enough to deal with my periodic lunacy,

not emasculated by my strong personality or feels he needs to dominate me

The above list is comprised of the core values I consider make a "good for me" boyfriend, and at this point they are pretty much non-negotiable. Looking over the list I'm amazed to see how my prerequisites have changed with age. Ten years ago, I would have been happy with a guy who had a job and a car, whereas now I require someone with substance that I can build a life with - someone who's rooted in the present yet goal oriented and keeps his eye and mind on the future. As with anything, the more life you experience the more defined your preferences become, so it's only right that I have specific expectations for the man in my life now... and blessedly, I've been graced with one who fits the bill very well.

Something else I want to point out. My friend expressed the need for a 50/50 relationship - one where the man of her choosing carries as much weight in the relationship as she does. You will never find that, no matter how long and hard you search. So stop your quest right now. You see, no matter how equal you think you are with someone, there will always be something they are more adept at than you. And visa versa. This works perfectly in the sense that if you had someone exactly like you, what would be the purpose of coupling with them? Relationships are full of give and take, and periodically one of you will weigh in more on one side than the other. No one is on the top of their game 100% of the time, and in that instance it is up to whichever partner that is on the high or low end to either bridge the gap or fall back. Some days it will be a 60/40 split, others will be 80/20. On rare occasions you'll run into those 90/10 situations where is seems one of you has the short end of the stick, but in a well rounded, healthy relationship those times are far and few between, as well as relatively easy to rebound from. The point is, expecting 50/50 in a relationship is setting yourself up for failure. What happens in those moments where you need more than that 50%? What happens during "one of those days" where 50% is like a noose around your neck? Balance doesn't always mean equal when it comes to relationships. Balance in relationships means each of you provides what is needed, at the times that it's needed, to complete that give and take circuit.